I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My mother told me she was abandoning the family to go across the world and study yoga. I had only one thing to say to her:
Namaste.
I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She smiled and answered...
“I do!"
My girlfriend and I were just touring the farmer’s market - she said one of the tables had some red hot chilli peppers, and asked if I wanted some.
I said, only if they’re givin’ ‘em away, givin’ ‘em away, givin’ ‘em away now.
A woman entered an online pun contest. She submitted ten different puns in the hope that at least one would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
The one time I took a librarian on a date, she cost me a bloody fortune.
My own fault though, I kept her out too long.
My wife asked me if she's the only one I've been with.
I said yes. The others were all nines and tens.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
My mom played the clarinet in high school. She mentioned she wanted to play again, but doesn't have the money to waste on it. I ordered one for her birthday and left her a subtle clue.
One Night a Viking named Rudolph the Red told his wife, It’s going to Rain...she asked how he knew...
Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
(Yes, I stole this from another sub:))
I called round at my neighbour's house early one morning and she opened the door in her nightie.
I thought, "That's a funny place for a door."
My daughter asked if she could cut the hair off of one of her barbies to make a boy barbie.
I said "You Ken if you want to."
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
Mary Queen of Scots. My favorite one, but She was found guilty of high treason and the Head of the Monarchy was then..
[removed]
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
My wife just gave birth to a set of identical twins. She named the first one Pete.
I named the second one Repeat.
My ex girlfriend had the laziest cat, she was so lazy I actually at one point thought it was dead.
Turned out it was just catatonic.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote “Ant” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
A woman asked her husband if she was the only one he’d ever been with.
He replied “Yes, the others were all nines or tens”.
My wife wanted to buy a ceiling light. She said, “this one comes with a hanging chain but I think we should just mount it flush with the ceiling.”
I said, “that would be off the chain.”
A princess wants to choose her future husband. Her engineers create a maze full of deadly traps. After the struggle, four princes survive. The first three have both their hands cut off. The fourth one still has one hand left. Which one will she choose?
She will chose the fourth prince: he's the most hand-some.
I remember when I once had a friends named Eni. We were best friends until one day, she gossiped about me and stopped hanging out with me. The following day, a teacher asked me if a had any friends,
I responded with “No, not Eni.”
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
My 11 year old and I were at a grocery store. I got one of those flimsy bags to put peaches in. The bag ripped, my daughter laughed. I looked at her said oh no, I had a Bagcident. She stopped laughing.
One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.
Stupid Subway
Probability had crush on one girl, but she wasn't the one.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf
An old couple sat on their porch in the morning after they let the chickens out of the coupe. They wanted to count how many hens the rooster fucked. The wife was counting one, two, three, four, five, six! Six times she proclaimed!
He responds, “Yeah with a different chick each time!”
I was in the gym the other day, when I saw a man get down on one knee and propose to his girlfriend. Unfortunately she said no!
Well that didn't workout...
One of the hosts of the View invited me to her home and we sat in her den. She then offered a pillow...
It was a Whoopi cushion.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
My mother has always been a staunch supporter of the LGBT movement. In fact, back in the 80s, she even told me that one day, “out and proud” people would have an entire month of celebration!
Mama said there’d be gays like this!
Happy Pride Month, y’all. :D
My sister is really indecisive. When I bought her that red phone cover she always wanted she returned it and bought a blue one, then she returned that one and bought the red one again!
I knew that would be the case.
My wife asked me, “Could you go to the store and buy one gallon of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.” When I came home with 6 gallons of milk, she shrieked, “Why in the world did you buy 6 gallons of milk!?”
I replied, “They had avocados.”
My sister has a cat named Queso. I told her she should get two more and name one of them Justin and the other Mergencies...
My daughter wants the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she can have one if she gets good grades, does her chores and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone because
It's my way, or the Huawei
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and she’s wanted to get a new cat (recently lost our old one), so my son and I got a cat from the animal shelter, put her gently into a large gift bag and brought her home. Before I could shut my driver door my son ran inside and ruined the surprise...
Can’t believe he let the cat out of the bag.
One night she told me to put out the garbage.
I told her “you cooked it, you take it out”.
My wife just came back from the store. I asked which one and she won’t give me a straight answer.
She keeps saying, “Guess.”
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
A famous viking of the red clan came home one day and told his wife it's gonna rain tomorrow. She asked him how he knows. He told her:
Rudolf the red knows rain, dear!
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes.... all the other guys were nines or tens”
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
