Vin Diesel should commission a heraldic crest under his first name, a pair of snakes intertwined with fangs bared...

Vin's Shield: Vipers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ranzear
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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Found Martin Griffiths on comic con, he did commissions and drew me a tattoo :D
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Albme94
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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If I ever have the money, I'm going to commission a bust.

But I'm getting a head of myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reyzorblade
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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The us navy should commission a new ship and name it "R"

The USS-R

Imagine the Russian navy getting intercepted by it; "Sir, the USS-R is behind us!" "Yes, comrade, but a strong Russia is still in our future!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sleazyridr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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My friend works for the road commission, but he only hangs signs on streets where there's no outlet.

What a dead end job!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/three_rs
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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Why fish don’t have planning commissions?

They hate public herrings.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
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My Orthodontist doesn't work on commission...

He only works on retainer.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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The fishmonger’s apprentice was flirting with me, but I have a hunch she just wants to make better commission.

I mean, it could be real but maybe that’s just fishful winking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slavaa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2015
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I sent my dad a picture of my latest commission...

He thinks he's hilarious.

https://40.media.tumblr.com/ba1077dffd5348723c720fb03a9f6e24/tumblr_nkgtdqBkh71rhe477o2_400.jpg

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2015
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I commissioned an artist to make me a set of letters of the alphabet out of cast iron.

I received A, B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z.

I'm missing the iron E.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tratemusic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
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I was lecturing on the criminal law concept of hot pursuit, and I asked there were any questions.

A student asked "what if you're ugly?'

As an old dad, I was befuddled for a moment before asking "did you just tell a dad joke?" She grinned, and I commissioned her as a dad on the spot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M4sterofD1saster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
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My dream of becoming the first professional boxer/pirate were crushed....

The boxing commission said my right hook was illegal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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I commissioned a statue of myself to be built...

... But the sculptor only did my face and shoulders.

What a bust.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/solipsistence
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2016
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My co-worker commissioned this drawing for her daughter for Christmas, who said that all she wanted was "peace on earth"... etsy.com/listing/17350414…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ekwegener
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2013
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I once met Meatloaf when I was working as a car salesman.

He came in looking for a small coupe for his wife’s forthcoming birthday. He found one he liked and we completed a test drive together. The car was listed at Β£28,000 plus tax. He was deep in thought looking around the car but unfortunately for me he decided not to buy it. I was in my 20s, had a young family and working a commission only job so a couple of days later I rang him to see if anything could be done. He was keen on the car but didn’t like the Β£28,000 plus tax price tag. I assured him that this was a great price for the car, however he said that it wasn’t so much the price of the car, it was more the tax. He said, β€˜I’d do anything for love, but I won’t do VAT’

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CromulentDucky
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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A friend challenged me to a pun-athon, but being an artist, he was into pictoral puns.

Some of them were pretty strange: only he could understand them and explaining the 'pun' to somebody else would take like half an hour. Anyway-

He said, "So I'll go first?"

I said sure.

I think he took "pun-a-thon" a bit too literally - he took out a marker and drew a point, and then he kept drawing this straight line (he's good at drawing straight lines) while taking how many ever steps back. I for one was concerned, because first off I didn't know how long I'd have to stick around for this, and second of all, I didn't know if I could clean the mess he'd inevitably leave behind.

He kept drawing this line! We stepped out of my living room, then my apartment which was on ground-level, and he kept drawing it. He drew his line all the way through the corridor, up until the entrance to the building, and when I kept asking him if he's done yet, he didn't say a word. I had to keep subtly reassuring security and everyone who was staring at my friend hunched over like that robot from Wall-E.

He stepped out of the building and kept on drawing his line. At this point I was trying to guess what the hell is the outcome. I kept screaming punchlines at him like "is this where you draw the line?", "are you going to punch me after this so this is a punchline?" and shit like that. There were people following us and two were taking videos and it was really fucking uncomfortable.

Right after he was outside the building and the premises, he started to draw this stunning drawing of the building right on the pavement. It was almost magical, as if he had been commissioned to make an ad for my place but for a million bucks. At this point the people who were following us didn't even get pissed off because they were so engrossed in his drawing. I was surprised the marker kept going on.

After about 20 minutes - he was a real quick draw (no pun intended) - he stood up and a crowd of two dozen clapped and cheered for him.

I told him, "Dude that looks fucking amazing, but I thought we were in a pun-a-thon. Why such a long set-up?"

He replied, "Yeah it was pretty drawn out."


(for more drawn-out jokes like this, visit r/feghoot!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jon-Osterman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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Some women are part of itty bitty titty committee

But some man are stuck in bare-skin hair-thin chin commission

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πŸ‘€︎ u/konstantinua00
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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Did you know Santa is not allowed to go down chimneys anymore?

It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety commission.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kurac_Palac
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2015
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My dad told me this one today...

Have you ever wondered why there was only 1 monopolies commission?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blatso
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2015
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