Did you hear about the man who hid his train set?
He was good a covering his tracks
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
Winning a German sausage eating contest is all about your mind set
You hope for the best, but prepare for the wurst
My girlfriend and I bought a new mattress. When we got home and set it up, we were unsure about whether or not it would be comfortable enough.
She said, “Let’s sleep on it.”
Did you hear about the man who invented a more efficient way to set up the high jump and pole vault?
He raised the bar.
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote “Ant” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
I thought I would tell a joke about this new set of drills I got.
I’m sure it would just bore you though.
I got a multi-volume encyclopedia about Egyptian mythology and history. Bought the full Set.
Everyday I like to take a little bit of time just kind of set it aside and forget about it
That way by the end of the year I'll have a few days to myself
Every day I like to take a little bit of time,kinda set it aside,and forget about it...
That way,by the end of the year,I'll have a few days to myself.
How do you feel about swing sets?
I go back and forth on them.
it was about a game set in space so it made it extra funney
Did you hear about the movie star who broke his wrist whilst on set?
Don't worry, he's still in the cast
Im upset about this quilt set I bought.
I thought it came with a pillow case, but it was a sham.
Did you hear about the guy who had criminal charges set against him?
They blew up.
Did you hear about John Green's new book set in the Russian revolution?
It's called 'The Fault in our Tsars'.
