True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
Anybody want to start hanging out?
Every time I hang out my laundry, the song "Nine to Five" starts playing...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
My kid’s chemistry teacher was arrested in class yesterday. He was pouring out teaspoons of sodium chloride for each student, but because the class was rowdy, he kept losing his place and having to start over.
The police charged him with multiple counts of a salt.
I was tired of quarantine so I decided to go out and start skateboarding.
Now I’m totally sick, bro! 🤘🤘🤘
Did you know you start out with four kidneys, but lose two of them growing up?
They turn into adult knees.
Be easy guys this is my first semi original dad joke.
An alien came down to Earth the other day, stepped out of his spaceship and said, "G'day cobber! Let's start a barby and throw some shrimp on! Strewth!".....
....he was an Austr-alien
Can you believe that Boeing is going to start building planes out of cardboard to save money?!
We can’t just let things like this fly!
When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.
It's called Parking Son's disease.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.
Did you hear about the cow who dropped out of school to start a computer business?
A teenager's car won't start out at the mall one night
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help.
Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life.
The teenager is shocked at how easy it was.
"Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!"
"It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo.
As my son was heading out to go camping, I advised him, "If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same."
"Then you’ll have a match!"
If you want to dress as a Cyclops for Halloween, start keeping an eye out for an authentic costume design.
Why did the hamburger start working out?
...to get better buns
EDIT: I got called away to do some actual work before I could add this: I credit Dr. Jason Bull for this, from an episode of Bull, reading from the bag that he got a burger in.
LPT: If you are running out of things to say on a date, start talking about sunscreen.
I decided to start trying out some new salsas
It’s a nice change of Pace
A recent study shows that 5 out of 26 peoples names start with vowels...
.... Oh sorry, sometimes 6.
Why did the Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
A man gets on an escalator and starts going up, but the motor malfunctions, causing him to speed out of control and fall flat on his face.
All I can say is... that escalated quickly.
A man walks out of a pub and starts pouring his drink out on the street
His friend, confused, asks "What are you doing??"
He replies "That's one for the road"
(actual joke told by my dad)
Dad you need to start working out..
Me: Dad you need start working out
Dad: I do work out almost every day, almost Monday, almost Tuesday ...
When you get locked out, do not scream, but just start singing.
You had better find the key.
When the lights start to go out on a Fuddruckers
... it becomes a game of cussing roulette.
When I reach home, my youngest son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it while making car sounds. His cute antics always make me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease.
It is called Parking Son's disease.
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo. "He's my star," I conclude with a smile.
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