Rumor has it that I’ve been sentenced to the gallows.

Please collect me if I’m wrung.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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My wife ran over someone , and was sentenced to 10 years imprisonment.

She got out after 5 years and I had to serve the remaining 5.

We always finish each others sentences.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NRGFalcon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend got sentenced to the guillotine

He couldn't face death head on

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/endommagejosue
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was sentenced to 20 years in prison when he inadvertently contaminated the food supply of 30 specimens of America’s national bird.

His actions were highly ill-eagle

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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Today they sentenced the infamous "Country, Rap, Gospel and Classical Music Killer" to death

He's going to get the eclectic chair.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?

Because it's a gray area

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erikjb12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Does femail fraud carry the same sentences as mail fraud, or is it about 80% of the time sentenced?
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SomeZ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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A judge recently sentenced a geologist's chauffeur to prison...

He was found guilty of trafficking miners.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guydoingthings
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the one about the 95 year old man who was sentenced 25 minutes to life?

Ba dum tiss

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MandatorySuicide
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2016
🚨︎ report
Does every sentence need to include a vegetable?

Not neccescelery.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad keeps sneaking bird references into his sentences

Well, toucan play that game.

Stolen from Dad Jokes

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bmantis311
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was a child, I couldn't finish a sentence...

Doctors diagnosed me with Clausetrophobia

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I hate people who use the same word twice in a sentence...

Enough is enough!!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Teacher: "Use the word sugar in a sentence."

Student: "The tea is too sweet."

Teacher: "Where is sugar in the sentence?"

Student: "In the tea!!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad, I need help writing a sentence using the word "irony."

Try this : I licked a golf club and it tasted irony.

πŸ‘︎ 194
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heavyduty1930
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Damn right!!!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M_Arslan_Tahir
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.

Now she's a small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggsaladapologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Teacher: Use the word oath in a sentence

Student: Mike Tyson eaths oaths for breakfasth every morning

Edit: made this up today, have merthy on my thoul

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/traceywashere
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the sentencing when you get caught hunting illegally?

Murder in the first deergree

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Urinal-Cake2113
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.

They both have a great time.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
sentence
πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Katoof
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Teacher: Use the word β€˜intermittent’ in a sentence.

I said: While I was camping it began to rain hard so I ran intermittent.

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/El_Sidgio
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a linguist about my problem with putting periods where. they don’t belong in sentences

I suffer from premature punctuatio!n

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vehiclesales
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Well, is it?
πŸ‘︎ 527
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nakikibaka
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
If my toddler misbehaves I sentence him to an hour in the

play-penitentiary.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad: Can you tell me a sensible sentence that uses the word 'because', three times, consecutively?

Me: Not today, Dad.

My Dad: Give up. Let me tell you in his glorious beaming pride face

I use because, because, because is a conjunction.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yours_petpeeve
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I could never accept a two-year sentence. I just don’t have that much to say.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/equiinferno
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do kids say after getting a phone call from someone older than them?

Boomerang.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
A man with a stutter died in prison

He never got to finish his sentence

πŸ‘︎ 385
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeevesPoltergist
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
To connect two sentences, what conjunction should I use, but or less?

Nevertheless

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
It swordof works...
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cornelius____
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Well, you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/naumanafsar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
You should never end a sentence with a preposition.

End of.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orangemozzarella
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
i got a prison sentence

i don't remember what it said.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wesamzxc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Can't even what..? Finish the sentence...!!
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deb_Eternity
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a sentence that can hurt you ?

A punchline...

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SVT85
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I was asked once about the meaning of the word ' inexplicable ' in a sentence..

..and found it very hard to explain.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a death sentence gone wrong?

Good concept, bad execution.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElephantsAreHuge
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
We should create a sentence for everyone

But I don’t know, judge for yourself

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sdot28
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole

Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.

Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.

πŸ‘︎ 531
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a writer who doesn't follow the rules of sentence structure?

A rebel without a clause

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Jewel thief with worlds worst stutter was jailed for 10 years yesterday...

A police spokesperson says it may take him up to 11 years to finish his sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuckinWimp87
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...

He used wrote learning.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The world tongue twister champion just got arrested.

I heard they're going to give him a really tough sentence...

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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A man has been found guilty of using too many commas.

The judge told him to expect a long sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elwheelio
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I heard somebody died after reading a book

They were sentenced to death

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afc1224
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Does every sentence need to include a vegetable?

Not necesscelery!

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeersForSmarch
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report

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