I read it's romantic to scatter rose petals on your bed, but they were too expensive. Instead, my wife and I will just have to make love on..

No bed of roses

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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My grandfather’s last wish was that we scatter his remains in the sea.

Everyone at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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When I die, I have two wishes. 1) Scatter My remains on my ex’s front lawn.
  1. Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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After Orville and Wilbur’s first horrific and fatal plane-accident leaving their remains scattered on the tarmac, the chief medical examiner approaching what was left of them simply asked:

β€œAre you all Wright?!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fadedmemento
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, scattering its cargo

Police are combing the area

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frudedude
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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Magic the Scattering
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Islarf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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We were moving some boxes to my son's car, when he dropped a Scrabble game and the letters scattered everywhere. So I asked him...

"What's the word on the street?!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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How do you turn 8 scattered sheep into 10 sheep?

By rounding them up

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OFWILLBEDONEFOR
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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A local town (Bulls, New Zealand) has signs with bull puns scattered across the town at points of interest.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SerialMasticator
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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When my friend, a CIA agent, arrived at the hotel in Syria, dead insects were scattered all over the floor...

He had to sweep for bugs.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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My grandpa grew up during the depression, as a result, he never threw anything away.

He died in the war, holding a hand grenade.

πŸ‘︎ 875
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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It was my first day on the job at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. My boss gave me the easiest, but most important, job on the assembly line. After a few hours, my boss frantically ran to my station to check in on me. "Why are you so far behind? Why are marbles and thread scattered everywhere?"

"Sorry boss... I just can't keep up! You told me to give each Elmo two test tickles!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PolarBurrito
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Today's weather forecast…
                               S

             O 

 E

S

H

                 W   

  R

Scattered showers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A shocking story

My freshman year in high school (96-97), I was in choir, and we drove up in a big coach bus to Magic Mountain for a choir competition.

Approaching San Onofre, the driver told us a "little known fact" that if you put your hand on the window while passing under those jumbo power lines coming from the plant, you can feel a moderately painful shock. Being gullible teenagers, a lot of us tried it.

We passed under, and the driver asked if we felt any pain. There were scattered replies in the negative. The diver said, "You didn't feel the window pane?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wasntmyproudest
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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I made a graph of all the animals I've observed pooping in my yard.

It's a scatter plot.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dothemagic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A wizard dad became concerned that whenever his son went to the bathroom, he wasn't giving himself privacy.

One day, the dad went to use the bathroom, thinking it was unused. There was a loud crash and he sighed, staring down at the scattered mess on the floor.

"Please, son," he said, "will you quit leaving the door a jar?"

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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So a sensei or β€˜teacher’ at a martial arts school brings a bowl of crispy wontons to class.

He sets it on a plinth and tells the students they’re free to take a couple after class is over. Halfway through teaching the senpai or sensei’s assistant approaches and tells him he has an important phone call. He tells the class to find a partner and practice. He comes back fifteen minutes later and the plinth is knocked over, the bowl is in pieces and the wontons crushed and scattered about. He is dismayed that his students would engage in such sensei-less wonton destruction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Igrotzny
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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Professor just dad-joked the class on the first day

So, our professor was calling out names for attendance:

Professor: "Holly Brown?"

Holly: "Here."

Professor: "Xu Shuo?"

silence

Professor: "I guess we can all say that he's a no-Shuo...."

Facepalms and groans scattered across the room.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chunkymonkeyman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2015
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A murder happened at a local grocery store...

When the police showed up, everything was in disarray. Employees were panicked. Family members were present, and crying. The lead detective approached the scene of the crime to see what happened. Milk was spilled all over the floor, and spoons were scattered everywhere. The detective spoke after a moment of thinking and said, β€œThis appears to be the work of a cereal killer.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wolff_X
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I just concluded research mapping chimp feces ...

... the locations are marked on a scatter plot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/8bagels
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the messy life story of a statistician...?

...it had a scattered plot

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pungunner98
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2018
🚨︎ report
A little boy walked in on his dad..

A little boy walked in on his dad working on the PC, his tools scattered about, and a few internal components laying on an ESD(electrostatic discharge) mat.

The little boy went to pick up a part, and asked his dad, " What are those pointy things on the bottom?"

"They're pins."

"Wow, there's a lot of them. How many do they have?"

"Well, there's a few different types, so it depins."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hentaisianbloke
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Was driving down the road the other day...

When I came upon a flock of birds in the middle of the road. I expected the birds to all scatter before I hit them, but BAM, one of the birds hit the front of my car, flew over the top, and struck a police officer's car right behind me.

He immediately pulled me over and issued me a citation for flipping him the bird.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Some friars set up a flower shop

A pair of friars came up with the great idea to use the extra flowers scattered around the monastery to start a flower shop. After the first week, the new flower shop is bustling and quickly becomes the most popular flower shop in town. This upsets a fellow florist, John, because he is losing his business. John decides to go down to the docks and find someone to destroy the competition's flower shop. John ends up finding a large sailor by the name of Hugh. Hugh promptly goes and completely destroys the friars' flower shop, effectively putting the friars out of business. Once again proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Debt-Profit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2015
🚨︎ report
typical dad.

typical dad:

"The wind was picking up this morning. Usually it just scatters things around."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MisterM8
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Just because I'm a childless female doesn't mean I can't dad joke.

Background: My SO and I were at a flea market in LA the other day where there were food trucks scattered about. The one we chose to eat at specialized in grilled cheese (my favorite food). They had a sign saying they would cater special events... I asked how far of a radius they would travel. Cheese Griller: We actually have a few trucks between here and Texas. Me: None in North Carolina? Cheese Griller: Nope. Me: Well... are you looking for any francheesors?

SO immediately disowned me and walked away.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lliz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Another dad at Michael's.

The Mrs and I were at Michaels (hobby/craft store, if you haven't heard of it) looking for things for our kid's moustache themed first birthday party.

We were having trouble finding anything, so we asked a man. He said it was scattered all across the store, so naturally, I asked him "you mean you don't have a mus-stash?"

He was so impressed, he spent about fifteen minutes and showed us everything he could think of that was mustachioed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjQball
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2014
🚨︎ report

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