I can tell you, he sure got a piece of my mind.

So, I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner the other day. It was just gathering dust!

What kind of bagel can fly? A plane one!

I went to a graveyard the other day, it was really crowded. I figure people are dying to get in.

Didja hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the no-bell prize!

What do you call a pointless pachyderm? An Irrelepahnt!

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired!

Ever hear about the restaurant on the moon? No atmosphere at all.

And to end it all: "I bet if I gave you some thyme you could mustard a response to this complete a-salt on language, but for now we're just beefing around!"

I was Thor just thinking about it.

I said, “That...sounds like a big step.”

She just laughs and says, "Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona." I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon...

Funnely enough

I couldn't get a single laugh from the guys in the other urinal stalls.

Crossfit

Wife : Do you know (artist's name)? Her skin care routine has 38 steps.

Me : Well, it's not that far tbh.

It’s not good enough to bring you to tears, but it’ll certainly moisturize.

To keep them on their toes.

turns out my daily routine is more productive than others

Edit: thanks cappuch for better punchline and constructive criticism

I’m still trying to work out the bugs.

A classic Abbott and Costello routine from their radio show – where Bud Abbott is talking about his Uncle Herman who works in a dye factory, and Lou Costello confuses “dyeing” for “dying”

Single handedly!!!

The jokes were dead-on, really a killer performance.

It’s a shame, he’s only half the man he could’ve been

Comedy is all about timing.

...she laughed and said: "No-one expects the Spanish King's position."

I’m working out the bugs.

I'm just not sure about this Dr. Acula.

At first it was hard but eventually they worked out the kinks.

It's the only way I can cope…

It was a comedy of errors.

Selfish Schtick.

I just can't figure eight out!

I called my family tonight, they put me on speakerphone, and my less than ladylike little sister disappears with "I've got to go take a shit"

My father chimes in with his usual-- "Take one? That's weird, I always leave one when I go to the bathroom"

I said, “I don’t know. That seems ....like a big step.”

Her: Why don’t you try lunges?

Me: That sounds like a huge step.

I said, “That’s .... a big step.”

I said, “That sounds....like a big step.”