I went in to hospital for a routine operation and was furious when I woke up to find the surgeon had given me a lobotomy

I can tell you, he sure got a piece of my mind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Justlikeyourmoma
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Comedy Routine

So, I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner the other day. It was just gathering dust!

What kind of bagel can fly? A plane one!

I went to a graveyard the other day, it was really crowded. I figure people are dying to get in.

Didja hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the no-bell prize!

What do you call a pointless pachyderm? An Irrelepahnt!

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired!

Ever hear about the restaurant on the moon? No atmosphere at all.

And to end it all: "I bet if I gave you some thyme you could mustard a response to this complete a-salt on language, but for now we're just beefing around!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WyvernLord123
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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When Chris Hemsworth was cast by Marvel they gave him an exercise routine. When asked what he thought of it, he responded

I was Thor just thinking about it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oppy1984
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine, and she said, β€œWhy don’t you try lunges?”

I said, β€œThat...sounds like a big step.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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I started pulling the "Hi hungry, I'm dad" routine with my two-year-old. A couple days in, I asked her if she was hungry.

She just laughs and says, "Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona." I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMasonX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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I've decided to base my stand up routine around hollowed-out cones

Funnely enough

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magooster14
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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My "bathroom humor" comedy routine was a failure ...

I couldn't get a single laugh from the guys in the other urinal stalls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadMoor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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What was Jesus’ favorite exercise routine?

Crossfit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wiseoldmeme
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was telling me about a certain artist's skin care routine

Wife : Do you know (artist's name)? Her skin care routine has 38 steps.

Me : Well, it's not that far tbh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clowninmyhead
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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I have the best skin care routine

It’s not good enough to bring you to tears, but it’ll certainly moisturize.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Just a routine CAT scan
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VoodooChild-666
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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Why do ballet dancers change their routine right before the show?

To keep them on their toes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pritchyy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I got stopped for routine check at the airport

turns out my daily routine is more productive than others

Edit: thanks cappuch for better punchline and constructive criticism

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ro-B0t
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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I’ve developed an exercise routine for insects, but it isn’t going that well.

I’m still trying to work out the bugs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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Dyeing Routine

A classic Abbott and CostelloΒ routine from their radio show – where Bud Abbott is talking about his Uncle Herman who works in a dye factory, and Lou Costello confuses β€œdyeing” for β€œdying”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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How do one armed people go about the it daily routines?

Single handedly!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamingGod07770
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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Duck's Daily Routine youtube.com/watch?v=FQ0QI…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bad_Bobby2009
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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I tried to get my buddy off his one sided workout routine.

It’s a shame, he’s only half the man he could’ve been

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brapping
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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I watched a stand-up routine by a convicted murderer.

The jokes were dead-on, really a killer performance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkaic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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I am recovering from a knee injury and wife asked how my morning excercise routine went. imgur.com/sEI4Q7b
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Some_MelonCat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do clocks have the funniest stand-up routines?

Comedy is all about timing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Torley_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I once asked the Queen of Spain about her husband's surprising sex routines...

...she laughed and said: "No-one expects the Spanish King's position."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StuieBuck
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m trying to develop a fitness routine for pet insects.

I’m working out the bugs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I went in for a routine checkup, and they took way too much in the blood draw. I was dizzy, and it was a real pain in the neck...

I'm just not sure about this Dr. Acula.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_zensphere
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Ray Davies, Dave Davies and some friends each hired some personal trainers to figure out a training routine.

At first it was hard but eventually they worked out the kinks.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
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Ever since our son was born, it's been the same routine every morning. First the crying, then a breastfeeding, followed by a nap…

It's the only way I can cope…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2017
🚨︎ report
My standup routine about statistical inaccuracy went really badly...

It was a comedy of errors.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Middlerun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Somewhere there's a comedian doing a stand-up routine entirely about his own life and it's called his....

Selfish Schtick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joecalderone
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2016
🚨︎ report
I'm an aspiring ice dancer but I'm struggling with my new routine.

I just can't figure eight out!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/islandonisland
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2013
🚨︎ report
My father on bathroom routines

I called my family tonight, they put me on speakerphone, and my less than ladylike little sister disappears with "I've got to go take a shit"

My father chimes in with his usual-- "Take one? That's weird, I always leave one when I go to the bathroom"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dagnythedoodle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2014
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, β€œWhy don’t you try lunges?”

I said, β€œI don’t know. That seems ....like a big step.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife, β€œ I’m thinking of starting an exercise routine. What do you suggest?”

Her: Why don’t you try lunges?

Me: That sounds like a huge step.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, β€œWhy don’t you try lunges?”

I said, β€œThat’s .... a big step.”

πŸ‘︎ 250
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife ideas for an exercise routine, and she said, β€œWhy don’t you try lunges?”

I said, β€œThat sounds....like a big step.”

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report

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