Which dinosaur was widely regarded as the best fortune teller?

The tarotdactyl

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πŸ‘€︎ u/budcuddly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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Why is Stephen Hawking regarded as the smartest man ever?

He can never stand corrected.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/b0ner_Champ
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
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Conversation regarding YouTuber Therapist "Dr Honda" I had with my girlfriend
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πŸ‘€︎ u/J-L-Picard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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A midget was in my office applying for a job. He humbly noted all the benefits of his stature regarding the job.

I still think he was selling himself short.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Virtual-Prime
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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I conducted a study for Steve Jobs regarding the lack of evolution in his employees.

Those are Apple Bottom Genes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vehiclesales
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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We’re remodeling our home’s exterior and my wife is being prying/divisive regarding who I’m hiring to do the job.

She really wants to know who I’m siding with

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daddymcdadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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My friend got married so I wrote her a poem regarding what she meant to me...

I ode her that much.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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There is a lot of concern amongst the flat earth brigade with regards social distancing.

They’re worried it’s going to push people over the edge......

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrP8978
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Work pun regarding a dewar (large metal tank used for liquid nitrogen)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Timmy12er
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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A woman asks her husband in the morning regarding breakfast.......

"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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In regards to the toilet paper shortage in Australia

The entire stock - wiped out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/00eleven
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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Just watched a great documentary on Netflix regarding Chewbacca's porcelain skills...

It's called - Hairy Potter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shercroft
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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Me to my daughter in regards to the gyms closing: "Guess I won't be flattening this curve." (As I pat my belly)

She rolled her eyes and sighed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Batchet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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My response to my wife’s update to friends and family regarding my surgery
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skhenson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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Three of my high school's percussionists were all involved in a torrid affair regarding the geometric shaped piece of metal...

It was an odd love triangle...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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Had an argument with my physiotherapist regarding my posture

But now I stand corrected

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sammy_Colon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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Is this sub dead?

No one's posted here all decade...

(Regards from New Zealand)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndydaAlpaca
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
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Dad joke pun the GF hit me with this morning regarding blue jeans

While putting on a pair of jeans this morning before work, I remarked to my gf something along the lines of "I've had these jeans for years, they're so old!"

To which she replied: "Yeah I can see that, they look like they've been in your family for generations."

I'm still absolutely floored with pride.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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Today I received a call regarding a new hearing aid.

The connection was bad, I couldn’t hear a thing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xFarrokh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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People are going crazy about Sony and Disney regarding Spiderman

They probably can't come to agreement on Spiderman because they don't want any strings attached.

People going so crazy it breaks the whole web

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReferCS
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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The reason short jokes are poorly received is because they aren't held in very high regard reddit.com/r/Showerthough…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EchoNeko
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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Friend in regard to my dad jokes: "Typically I'm annoyed I didn't get the answer"

Me: "Typically I'm dad" :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoloOwO
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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A man called the police regarding a fly problem…

So I'm watching a show called outrageous 911 Calls, and there was a story of an old man who was cooking bacon that ended up burning. So he opens up his back door to try and air out some of the smoke. Well, the smell starts attracting flies and of course he calls the police to report it and hope that they can send someone to handle the fly issue. The emergency operator says the police cannot do anything to help him.

So I turn to my friend who is watching along side me, and I say, "Obviously the police can't help him, he needs a swat team."

Bah dum, tss

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deatoai
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2014
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What do you call a rumour regarding a mask?

A masquerade

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatShanksguy09
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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I finally won an argument with my wife regarding my favorite tea...

I was about thyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DandyBeyond
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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Regarding the current top post, I'd like to add

1 + 1 = 2. Thanks.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
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I try to encourage my wife to come up with her own mom jokes. So when she asked me to make one up regarding wood, I got a little upset.

"Cedar, that's what I'm talking about. Its not oak-ee doke to take credit for what wood be my joke. Every bodhi has to create their own." I told her. Didn't mean to chop her down like that in hindsight. I hope she still pines after me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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Had this conversation with my co-worker regarding the recent age-discrimination case in Oregon.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabeanzelini
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
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Did you hear about the new math book regarding combining infinities?

It's a new addition.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/britamordio
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
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I made a β€œsuggestion for improvement” to my wife regarding her cooking.

She responded β€œyou know, I slave away all day in this kitchen..”

So I cut in: β€œand you still can’t seem to get it right.”

On the plus side, it’s way roomier than I would have expected in this doghouse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phisopholer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
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What was the general consensus amongst seals in regard to the new club scene ?

It was a hit!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElCarabo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2017
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They finally had that meeting regarding daylight savings

It was about time

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thorzyn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
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I guess there have been safety concerns regarding NASCAR's track designs; specifically with the turns. In an attempt to address them, the courses were reversed.

They're all right now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thewilltosucceed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2017
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Does any have any good puns regarding famous authors or book titles? I'm in desperate need!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvTheSmev
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2013
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Dadjoked my housemates regarding pets...

One of my housemates said he thought a hedgehog would make a cool pet, I replied "Nah, you don't want a hedgehog, they're all pricks."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cindres91
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
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Regarding the diets of dairy cows.

I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"

That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.

You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.

As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.

I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.

So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.

However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.

What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/estomasi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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So in regards to what happened between Drake and Josh....

Josh definitely has a chance at winning the "no Bell" prize this year

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bassplayer93
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2017
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What did the monarch exclaim regarding the attempted coup?

"Revolting!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thewilltosucceed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
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A proud father: My son got my wife today

Today we were eating and my son ate a carrot without using the fork so my wife promptly said: "Don't eat with your fingers..." to which he answered: "I'm eating with my mouth!"

I was soooo happy and my wife had to let it slide...

(We don't speak English so I hope the joke isn't lost in the translation)

EDIT: Thanks for all the upvotes :) This was an unexpected surprise to wake up to. Very happy that it translates in to English so well. Now some clarifications:

  1. Yes... the carrots were cooked, we are not psychopaths (in regards to our eating habbits)

  2. My son is 10 years old and still living at home

  3. We all speak English, just not our native language and not used at the dinner table

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lweinreich
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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My dad's joke in regards to the roving gang of clowns

"How do you stop a gang of clowns?"

"Go for the juggler"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Afatjapanda
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2016
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Regarding Iran's nuclear deal, John BOEHNER might face....

...some STIFF competition

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EternalPharoah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2015
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Just got this text from my dad regarding a college class I may fail.

This can be a good learning experience for you, It's best to get help on the front end, don't be to proud to do that, try your best to stay caught up. I couldn't spell Kat when I first heard the word but with some help I finally picked up on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForRiskyClicks
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2016
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Lots of discussion regarding energy. But I have to ask, does energy even matter?

Yes energy matters, but only if you you divide it by the speed of light squared.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uptwolait
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2016
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An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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