Regardless of price, Velcro is always a rip off
πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/geve4now
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 25 2019
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Did you hear about the teacher who carelessly assigned every student a good grade, regardless of their actual work?

She gave zero F’s.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 80
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/vicious_viridian
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 26 2018
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Every single present he receives, regardless of shape or size ...

Dad: Is it a basketball?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 143
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/nottjanie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 09 2013
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It costs around $7 to cross the Golden Gate Bridge, regardless of whether you're a commuter or a tourist.

It takes a toll on everybody.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/original_evanator
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 31 2016
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Regardless of who wins the election today, let's hope that whoever runs in 2020 has the perfect vision this country needs.

Sorry Bernie fans, but he wears glasses so he's either far or near-sighted.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 31
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ashinyfeebas
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 08 2016
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I'm a little upset you guys didn't like (and downvoted) my awesome post yesterday. Regardless I'm going to try typing it again.

It again

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/markyland
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 22 2017
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This is a late post, about a month but I'm proud regardless.

It was Valentine's day and some buddies and I went out to grab lunch at a pizza joint called Mellow Mushroom. Appreciative of the waitress working on this day I left her two gems on the receipt to make up for it:

"Morgan, you had me at mellow," and "I have mushroom in my heart for you"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/yessayason
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 06 2015
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This dad joke's more of a mom pun. She wasn't impressed, regardless.

http://i.imgur.com/6b53dgn.png?2

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TPWALW
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 31 2014
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Which came first

I don't know if it's been done before but it's my favorite.

Which came first the chicken or the egg...

[Regardless of answer]

Not according to the rooster.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/fireonice420
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 11 2020
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I'm determined to walk with my wife across the second largest state in the USA, even if she wants to walk across the largest.

Regardless if it Texas along time, Alaska.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/zippysausage
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 28 2020
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It has been 3 years now since I got my neck removal surgury.

And I haven't looked back since.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 37
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Howzitgowen
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 15 2012
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Mathematical proof that it pays to be dumb

power = work / time

but...

knowledge = power

and

time = money

so, substituting...

knowledge = work / money

solving for money...

money = work / knowledge

The less you know, the more money you make, regardless of how much work you do.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JBaczuk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 20 2019
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Why is a bicycle called a bicycle?

Because it let's you ride regardless if you are a boy or a girl

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/iamold21420
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 27 2019
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A string is walking home one Friday evening after a long week at work

And so the string decides that he shall stop at his favorite Pub and treat himself to a pint before going home to the wife. But after a decent walk he arrives at the pub to find a new sign on the door that reads " No Strings Allowed".

The string becomes infuriated. "How dare they" he thinks to himself. After having been a loyal patron for 10 years he decides this injustice is not to be tolerated and comes up with a plan.

He takes a moment and steps into the back alley way to be discreet. While he is there he ties himself into a knot and frays the top. Content with his disguise he marches back around to the front, enters the bar and has a seat when requests a pint of beer.

The bartender being a little suspicious looks at him a little uneasily but just can't seem to peg what the problem is. He serves him the beer regardless while keeping a close eye on the suspicious character. A little while later the string decides that the week at work has been so long that he is deserving of two pints of beer before going home to retire for the weekend.

It is just at that point when the bartender is serving him his second pint that he pauses and looks at the string and says "Hold on one minute! Aren't you a string?"

To which the string replied, "Sorry, I'm a frayed knot".

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CannaBrained
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 15 2019
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My friend owns a mall (long)

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that β€œthey were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/st_pugsley
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 15 2016
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The Dyson Show -- an unintentional Dad-Joke channel

Before today this guy had 22 subscribes. Since being posted on reddit, his subscriber count is much higher. Regardless, his Dad jokes are unparalleled.

"Do you know which president had the strongest stomach muscles? Abs Lincoln."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_owbX2VkcE

Edit: Au, thanks for the gold!

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/6745408
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 19 2014
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My best friend's un-funny wife dad-joked us...

My wife was texting her inviting them over and said, "We will be grilling brats if you guys want some!"

She responded with, "No thanks, we generally try not to eat kids, regardless of their attitude."

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/IAmAnOutsider
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 07 2016
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I tried to change the wording of the pizza joke to improve it...

But no matter how you slice it, it’s still cheesy, regardless of the delivery.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rom_Dolos
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 24 2018
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Sure, Van Gogh was a great painter, but he was also a great listener

ear regardless.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ErwinFurwinPurrwin
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 18 2017
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The Dictator

So here's the setup: I recently started working for a taxi cab company. It's surprisingly lucrative, and a shitload better than McDonalds.

So I'm working, and I'm parked in front of a bar, hoping that a fare is gonna knock on my window, when about twenty feet or so in front of me, I see a very good friend of mine. I shout, and we spend the next few minutes shooting the breeze. A fare knocks on my window, and I driver her to where she needs to go.

After, I'm driving back to that bar, and I get a call from my friend, asking if I had another fare lined up. I didn't so he told me to come back, he's got a group for me. They get in the car, and these guys start bugging the shit out of me. Which I can handle. What I can't handle is when they start dealing each other cocaine in my back seat. At that point, I'm just livid. I tell them to give me my money and get the fuck out of my car.

Later, I chat my friend up on Facebook. I tell him that I'm super-grateful that he got me a fare, but to please not ever put those particular assholes in my car again. And since our relationship is built on surreal humor and snark, I start expanding the list. Those assholes. Colombian drug lords. Justin Beiber. Kim Jong-Un. Please, no Korean dictators.

"But what about a penis-shaped potato?"

I'll admit, that one threw me for a loop. But I tell him that potatoes are fine, regardless of shape, size, color, or type.

At that point, I could almost hear him laughing as he typed "Excellent. Instead of a dictator, I'll send you with a dick tater."

I was so pissed off I had walked straight into that one.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SoldierOfTruth
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 02 2015
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Two thumbs up for the handiest prosthetic I've ever seen!

Said to my kids after showing them this:

https://www.theverge.com/circuitbreaker/2017/7/6/15927362/3d-printed-prosthetic-third-thumb-dani-clode

...which is just plain awesome regardless!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/riskable
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 06 2017
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A favorite of mine that my dad likes to say

Me: I can't see

Dad: Raise the seat.

He'd say it regardless of whether you were sitting or not.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Imtheone457
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 05 2014
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Definitely not a Dad joke, just a PSA (Kinda...)

I would just like to thank everyone who posts here on /r/dadjokes Regardless of how shitty and awful my day at work may be, you all manage to make me laugh. And so, from the bottom of my happy heart, I would like to thank each and every one of you awesome folks. :D

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dyver_Finnigan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 30 2014
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A soccer referee told me this one during my game an hour ago

(A bit of context first, but you can skip this paragraph if you want). An hour or so ago, I was playing a div 1 co-ed soccer game. Since our captain wasn't there, I was the one talking to the ref, signing the game sheet, providing the game ball, and all that. At some point during the game, one of our guys shot the ball and it rebounded off, giving us a corner. However, none of our guys were going to get the ball as if they thought it was the other team's ball. I yelled at my team "Guys, it's our corner!"

The ref turned to me and laughed, and said "They need to concentrate". I said "No kidding, huh?" He then turned to me with a pre-dadjoke smile and asked me "Why didn't the orange juice pass its exam? ... It couldn't concentrate."

It was in that moment that I knew this grey haired, bearded man was a father of at least one child. He didn't even look back for a reaction, he just turned with his dad smile, knowing full well that the joke has merit enough on its own regardless of a reaction.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bearkin1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 26 2013
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iPhoned this joke in...

When you make one Siri talk to another Siri, regardless of the topic, it will be a Siri-us conversation

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Wet-Yeti
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 31 2014
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Got my girlfriend earlier with a Gothic music dad joke

Walking through the supermarket and talking with the missus about something or other, when she laid me an opportunity on a plate.

Her - "I'm just not gonna tell her. No need to deal with the hassle - the prevention is better than the cure."

Me - "Really? I've never heard them before. Any songs you'd recommend?"

It took a second for her to figure out what I meant, and I ended up with a kick up the arse for it, but it was worth it regardless.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GreenMoonRising
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 14 2014
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My dad's go-to toilet joke

Me: We're outta toilet paper. Dad: No shit?

Me: If i eat more of that I'll be constipated Dad: No shit?

He always tries to work that in, regardless of who is around. I always know it's coming, but I always smile.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Joshstritch
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2013
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Without fail, every time we're finished eating at a restaurant my Dad stands up from his seat and says...

"Let's make like fags and blow this joint"

Totally regardless of how classy the "joint" is. Thanks Dad.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JoyousTourist
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 17 2013
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"Have you heard the one about the three eggs?"

(regardless of answer): "Two/Too Bad!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/masterpigg
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 30 2013
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