I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
As English my second language, pretty proud of this one.
I have the power to ejaculate a pretty good distance.
I’m surprised at how far I’ve come.
Antartica is pretty scary...
Just thinking about it gives me chills.
I keep begging my wife to wear pretty dresses, but she just ignores me.
I guess she wears the pants in the relationship.
Pretty fly for a white guy
Not your normal format, but I have to share as I am pretty proud
For context I work in a prison as a nurse. The other nurses were looking up charges for one of the inmates and hes in for capital murder. One of the nurses asks, "Whats the difference between capital murder and just murder anyway?" to which I was quick to say "usually a bigger M"
I guess Ive been a dad too long now that it comes natural
Who goes on adventures with Lara Croft but is also pretty good at American Football?
I got called pretty today.
...well, actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
Fishes are pretty easy to weigh
They have their own scales
I'm pretty sure my office printer is Jamaican.
It's always jammin', mahn.
Jack: How’s it going? Beans: Pretty good
Why can't you feel anything for a pretty girl named anne?
Because all you get is the Anne Aesthetic
My German friend is pretty big
I was pretty well off before my divorce settlement...
but now I’m in the lapse of luxury
I became a father today, but no dad jokes are coming to me. I’m pretty bummed.
Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!
First tattoo i ever did, it was pretty “hard” wink wink
Ngl I find it pretty funny
I thought this was pretty good
Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.
But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.
Pretty fly for a white guy
The Theory of Plate Tectonics is on pretty shaky ground.
I accidentally stepped on my cats tail. The cat jumped, and I ended up kicking the table pretty hard. “Ouch!” I yelled
“YOU, ow?” The cat replied in disbelief.
“ME-ow”
I'm pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
Getting rid of an annoying crease on a piece of paper is pretty easy.
All you have to do is wait, eventually it’ll crease to exist!
Man last year was pretty bad, but at least I’m prepared for this year.
Because in this case hindsight is actually 2020
This year has been pretty terrible
Next year is looking better. Unfortunately the one after that is going to be Twenty Twenty too.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was not worth the trip.
Took a pretty good picture of the meteor shower a few days ago.
It's pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
What do you call a pretty girl from Georgia with a limp?
A peach hobbler.
(One of my kids favorites).
Just heard some pretty sad news about yard sticks
Did you know they aren't making yard sticks any longer?
While traveling internationally , I purchased a new car made in Prague for pretty cheap...
When I first started it, the Czech engine light came on!
I was texting this nun and things were getting pretty hot and heavy. Then out of nowhere she stopped replying.
I still can’t believe she holy ghosted me
Pretty unfortunate that October is now..
I’m pretty open to the idea of getting bionics
Honestly, I’d pay an arm and a leg for them!
I recently found out my wiener doesn’t work anymore. I decided to have a funeral since it’s pretty much dead now. My sweet wife asked if anything would make me feel better.
I replied, Perhaps mourning would...
Thought this was pretty funny
My girlfriend said I'm pretty
Well, she actually said, "You're pretty annoying", but I choose to focus on the positive things.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
