Because what he made was stolen!
I should have bought asparagus.
Supplies!
He He.
Would ya just look at the ground beef
Miso-Genie.
"You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Wheel!"
Donald of course
My dad said that if my mother was Jewish, I would have to do anything he said. I asked, "Why?" he then answered with "because you half Jew." (Have too) Comedy gold dad, gold.
I didn't mean for it to happen. It just came bursting out.
"Ive got a problem with my RAM...
...It's Missing a horn."
My wifes gone to the Caribbean. Jamaica? No, she went of her own accord.
As title says, we were laying in bed, my left arm hurt a bit, so I said "my left arm doesn't feel right." She replied "so does it feel left?" and proceeded to laugh hysterically for about 10 minutes.
Just then, I thought of this joke and chuckled to myself.
My friend asked me what was up.
I said, "Nothing. I just crack myself up sometimes."
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He used to lay awake at night and wonder if there really was a dog.
Me : Why do I need glasses to do math?
Teacher: Why?
Me: Because it helps with Division
Whole Class: Groan
She is 80 years old and in bad health recently, and I never would expect her to say anything like this but my brother asked her 'how do you feel?' and she said 'with my hands.'
The surgery required my bottom jaw being broken and the surgeon was running through how it would be for me afterwards.
Here's the conversation as it went down:
Surgeon - "Have you got any questions?"
Dad - "Yeah, will he be able to play the trumpet afterwards?"
Surgeon - "Yup, there won't be any problems with that"
Dad - "Oh, that's good. He can't play it now"
I was playing a game of heroes of the storm with friends. We played a map where the objective is to grow a giant plant to attack the enemies base.
My friend commented "I am really starting to like this map!" I said in return "Yeah, it's really starting to grow on me." Of course I was promptly told to shut up by my friend.
My mom wanted to go to the cooking store to look at stuff and my dad replied ”why do you want to go to the cooking store? to see what's cooking?” awfulllll
We were driving in our KIA Carens, when I noticed that we were one in a group of 4 Carens driving in the same lane. This is how it went:
ME: Hey dad, there are 3 other Carens in the same lane as us. What are the chances?
DAD: I guess you could say we're in a... Carens-van
LITTLE BRO: Ba Dum Tssss...
ME: facepalm Dad jokes
(Carens-van = caravan for those of you who didn't get it)
If you're searching for clothes at Goodwill, you're Good Will Hunting.
Dog is sitting patiently in the kitchen, waiting for me to drop some ham for him.
Wife: No dog, you don't get any ham.
Me: Yeah I tried hiding it from him but unfortunately... he nose the truth!
I tap my nose with a shit-eating grin... wife rolls her eyes and walks away
"Look! A semi truck!"
"Thats a whole truck."
http://i.imgur.com/PTQiPpB.png
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