I've been trying out some new knitting patterns, but I think my yarn is too thin

Sorry wrong thread

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alecdoconnor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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I just gave a sick burn to a load of hedges shaped into a pattern.

It was amazing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kimenon001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.

This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.

Joke by Terry Pratchett, β€˜The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatashiStickKid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Sorry I've been so quiet here today. I've been keeping a close eye on the local news. Apparently there's a lad going around stabbing people with knitting needles.

Police say he may be following a pattern.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pdarigan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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I'm so furious about my postmans route that I pull my hair out

I call it mail pattern baldness

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πŸ‘€︎ u/suolisyopa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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I thought the pattern on my coffee mug was defective...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honeyvcombs99
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.

A Christmas stalking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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So the Norwegian Navy is painting their ships with a bar code pattern

So when then come into port, they can Scandanavian

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ouyin2000
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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My smartphone tracks my cat's sleep patterns.

There's a nap for that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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My son has recently been starting to suffer from early male pattern baldness, like I did at his age.

I think itβ€˜s haireditery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/carotoffel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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When geese and ducks fly in a v-pattern, do you know why one side is almost always longer than the other?

Because there are more birds on that side.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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How do sea animals forecast current patterns?

They use algae-rhythms

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chexmp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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There's a nutcase going around our town stabbing people with knitting needles.

Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours.

The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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I suspect my friend has an unhealthy addiction to knitting quilts.

I have seen all the patterns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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After years of studying the flight patterns of ducks, scientists finally determined why one side of the "V" is always longer than the other.

There are more ducks on that side.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zhiva88
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
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Coughing in a pattern is basically dropping a sick beat.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattatbatt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2018
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If you rake a leaf pattern, you leave a rake pattern.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/luleigas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2017
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What do you call a vegetable in a particular red white and blue pattern

Onion Jack

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πŸ‘€︎ u/b8410
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2018
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In a certain part of Africa, the migratory pattern of lions heralds the changing of seasons

The people say that the lions come at the end of August with such regularity, they can begin to prepare for winter on the day they arrive. After all, The Pride comes before the fall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cormag778
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2016
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Paisley is such an ugly pattern
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElegantWeapon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
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Dad and I were discussing the migration patterns of loons....

Dad - You know why you always see loons by themselves?

Me - Territori.....

Dad - Because if there were more than one, they would not be a-loon

-_-

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manthey8989
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2015
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My dad comes in from mowing the lawn

DAD: "Man, I am dizzy from mowing the lawn"
ME: "Drink some water and lay down, it's hot out there!"
DAD: "Go look at the lawn" wink

He mowed the lawn in a giant circle pattern... The circumferences that man will go for a joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Only_Abe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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What do you call it when the crew of the starship enterprise enters a massive, destructive weather pattern?

An Uhuracane

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zibani
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
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Why is 77 better than 69?

You get 8 more!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imbarkus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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What's the next part of the pattern?

Cat 1

Cat 2

Cat 3

Cat 4

What comes next?

Ethernet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gilzabizlo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2015
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My Mother: This hat pattern looks easier than the other one....

Me: It’s sew easy!

My Husband: It’s not very sewphisticated!...Do my puns have you in stitches? I’m laughing so hard I’m bobbin my head back and forth.

My Dad: Are you starting to see a pattern here?

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2015
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My Wife said she drew her friend a quilting pattern she asked for...

But I told her winners never quilt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gunnrhildr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
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Fell into a generational dad joke pattern

My dad passed recently. He was the king of the silly sayings.

Was taking my grandson to go ice skating. We were running late and caught myself saying "We're off, like a herd of turtles!". Something my dad used to say ALL the time. Made me nostalgic...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ssn697
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2014
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Professor asked if anyone knew what "home-range" was in reference to dolphin migratory patterns.

Me: It's Kansas State song.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schro3der
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2014
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My dadjoke backfired...

So my friend was wearing a fish patterned shirt.

Me: "Hey, nice shirt." Him: "Thanks?" Me: "I'm guessing you're wearing it because you think you're such a great catch." Him: sigh "No, I'm just wearing it for the halibut"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SombreroLama
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2014
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Why don’t dolphins have hair?

They have whale pattern baldness.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daveg2001
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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My grandpa's finest moment

I'm out to dinner with my family and my grandpa starts sniffling a bit. So he pulls out one of his super old patterned handkerchiefs and says "my nose keeps running". He then quickly grabs his nose, handkerchief in hand and yells "got it!" super loud in the restaurant were at. While he's laughing at his own joke he goes "that's funny right there" and keeps laughing and partially retelling the joke.

I'm proud to be his grandson.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spawn1234100
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2015
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My son isn't keen on getting his haircuts. Every time I take him to the barber's, he questions why he needs his hair cut so often, while I never seem to need mine.

Today, I finally told him, "Because my hair falls out by itself."

I didn't have the heart to say, "You'll understand when you grow up."

It was about the only time male pattern baldness made sense to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/austozi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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So I was tired after a long day...

So as soon as I got home, I flopped onto a couch, and slept for an hour or two with my arm under a textured pillow. When I woke up, the texture left the textured markings on my arm. So I showed my brother, and he said β€œyou have weird sleeping patterns”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3lon_Lord
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
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Dad joked by control systems prof

When asked why he always wears a checkered shirt he replied "I like to wear grid patterns so I always look like I'm plotting something"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComicSansofTime
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2014
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Exchange with the wife this morning.

I walked down the stairs to see my wife on the floor laying out a pattern to sew. Her butt was facing me and of course I was staring and going into the kitchen.

Her: Are you staring at my butt? Me: Yes. Her: I always sense when someone is doing that. Me: I guess that means you have the gift of hind sight huh?

Edit: spelling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hupomeno
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
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My kids have one of those pillows covered in sequins...

You've probably seen these... One whole side of the pillow has sequins, which are reversible, and reveal a different color or pattern when you flip the sequins.

My daughter was playing with hers, and making pictures by flipping the sequins in patterns.

I asked her if she could make a picture showing what she did today. She spent about 15 minutes painstakingly flipping sequins to show her going to school, and dance class. She was all done, and proudly showed me her work.

I said "Well, look at that... its a sequins of events."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bcjgreen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2018
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Sweet old lady walks into Perkins with a home made sweater.

The sweater was made with alpaca wool and had a pattern with alpacas wrapping around her chest. It had a beautifully intricate diamond pattern of various colors and you could tell it was finely crafted.

Mom: wow, what a beautiful sweater is that made from alpaca wool?

Old lady: Yes, we have a small herd of them.

Dad: YOU HAVE A HERD OF SWEATERS?!

Old lady stares blankly into my fathers eyes not quite understanding as I’m dying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/servuslucis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
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[Pun Request] Bowling ball and space

I recently won a bowling ball that has a color pattern that looks like space. I want to get it engraved with an awesome bowling/space pun but I cant think of anything. Any suggestions?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sanjispride
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2013
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Dad nearly made me and mom choke on our coffee

Backstory: I had bought a set of nice Nespresso coffee cups for my parents for Christmas (original, I know). But these aren't your standard, chunky, ceramic Christmas mugs with snowflakes or Santas, but actually something for the type of coffee fanatics that spend their money on Clooney's kind of blend, what else?

So - having dessert; cake, coffee, the whole shabang.

Me, inspecting one of said cups: "I'm glad I actually found a set that doesn't stay in the cupboard all year like literally every other mug you've ever gotten from anyone."

Mom, eating cake: "Mm-hmm."

Me: "Like, these are actually really nice. I like the pattern around the base and how they're round and square at the same time."

Mom, between bites: "They're very nice."

Suddenly, Dad, eating his cake completely silently up until this point: "You should take a picture of them. Might make for a pretty cool mugshot."

Cue me barely managing to swallow my coffee, Mom chuckling into her cup and both our subsequent groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robowiizard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2017
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Dadjoked at supper

My mom, dad, and I were sitting down eating supper when my dad pipes up, "You know how birds fly in a V pattern?"

My mom and I hesitantly say yeah.

He asks another question. "You know how one side is always longer than the other? Do you know why?"

Now I had read something about birds flying in patterns and I wasn't expecting a joke so I guess something about air resistance.

A grin starts to form on his face and he says "Because that side has more birds."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigguy1027
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2014
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a sad time for dad-joking at the office.

I have this ongoing thing at the office where whenever this one middle-aged guy (call him Andy) gets a haircut, I say, "Hey Andy, you got a haircut" and Andy, without fail dadjokes me with "I got them ALL cut" and then we yuk it up in the hallway ... this has gone on for years and years, until recently, when Andy decided that due to male-pattern baldness, he would completely shave his head. Now it is not as funny to tell Andy he got his hair cut, because literally he got them ALL cut and it just looks like I am making fun of him. (:(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xRVAx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2015
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My knock knock joke from tonight's dinner table.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's There?"

".......Knock Knock."

"Who's There?"

".....Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"......Is anyone going to let the deaf guy in?"

(Repeat the pattern until you get the desired eye roll."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cliffkleven
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2016
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Got my dad last night!

My dad and I were preparing streaks for the family, he tells me how i should put it on the grill.

Dad: "so when you put these on, lie them down at a good 45 degrees, after 5 mins, turn them 45 degrees the other way, get a nice cross pattern on them."

Me: "45 degrees? Dad that's pretty cold I doubt it'll cook in 5 mins."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oconitnitsua
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2015
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Easter Sunday with my Jewish father.

Relevant info: my mom is Christian, my dad is Jewish.

My dad loves to silently craft his dad jokes until the morning of any Christian holiday. He did not disappoint today.

Dad: I've been really popular on Facebook this morning. Me: Oh yeah? Dad: All of my friends have been commenting on my sleep patterns. [longish pause while he gets this gleeful-boyish look because of the confusion he can see on my face) Dad: They keep posting about how "He has risen!"

He's saying this to every member of our family, one-by-one, as we wake up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tryph0sa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2014
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Bald Dad Jokes are great

My father has male pattern baldness and my older brothers hair is beginning to thin out and one day when my entire family including my grandparents were sitting outside my mom pointed it out by saying.

"Rob, you're starting to lose your hair."

Within seconds with a straight face my dad just peaks up with.

"Oh honey don't worry about him, he's not losing his hair he's just getting more head!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skybel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2013
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Not really a 'joke' per se, but my dad's take on 'Let It Snow', from Southern California

So my dad sent this to everyone in his office. I groaned a couple of times and thought it'd fit in well here.

Oh, the weather outside is crazy
Like a film from Martin Scorsese
The rain will fall and the wind will blow
El niΓ±o, el niΓ±o, el niΓ±o

It doesn’t show signs of stopping
My shirt and pants are sopping
Oh, where did that umbrella go
El niΓ±o, el niΓ±o, el niΓ±o

Weather patterns don’t seem right
Southern Cal is all a storm
The marine layer and all of its might
All because the Pacific is warm

The fear of fire is now subsiding
our thoughts turn to mudsliding
Down the hillside our houses flow
El niΓ±o, el niΓ±o, el niΓ±o

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2015
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