My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.

But Iโ€™m pretty sure she was hitting on me

๐Ÿ‘︎ 93
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MuffinDoughnut
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."

I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".

He's a legend among my friends dads.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 658
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SoDakZak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
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I never tell jokes about food for exampleโ€ฆ

If I tell a joke about a banana peel I have a tendency to slip up and I butcher all the jokes about meat.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Aceto1469
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 14
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 76
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Jokes about mitosis arenโ€™t funny

Especially when told twice

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/realtomcruise42
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
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My dad before a surgery to remove a brain tumor. It's a classic!

Dad: Will I be able to play the piano after?

Nurse: Yea of course!

Dad: Oh cool! I can't even do that right now!

Edit: Alright guys! I get it, old post! I just thought it was pretty funny considering the circumstances.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Farmfarm17
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 26 2014
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I have stopped making 9/11 jokes.

You see they have a tendency to crash and burn

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/darealbipbopbip
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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I am the proud owner of a family-run barber shop

For centuries, we've used our shop as a means of teaching the youngest of our lineage the importance of teamwork, the value of a dollar and, most importantly, the self-satisfaction felt in a job well-done.

In the past few weeks, it's been repeatedly brought to my attention that our youngest child, Sheeran, has been demonstrating particularly helpful and productive tendencies so, today, I felt it was finally time to experience the honor of rewarding his efforts, offering him the opportunity to join our workforce; to which he was nothing short of ecstatic!

I'll be honest, I initially withheld concerns that his excitement would subside once I explained the sorts of menial work I'd have to start him off on but, to my relief, he took no issue in hearing that his duties would mostly revolve around wiping our patrons' hair off of the chairs, and sweeping it up from the floor.

Sharing a moment of beautiful silence, exchanging our most heartfelt of smiles and basking in this pivotal moment o

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/somenewinfo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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I've been dealing with confidence issues, so I bought a sauna.

It's so I can give my self a steam.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mkaic
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
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Be careful telling jokes to windows.

They have a tendency to crack up.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LordDickSauce
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 24 2018
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The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. Theyโ€™re great because theyโ€™re flexible but...

They have a tendency to quack

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mdmcstuffins
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
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Gandhi

I heard Gandhi often went shoeless, so his feet were very tough. He was a vegetarian, so he had a thin build. Lastly, he fasted often, which has a tendency to cause bad breath.

All of those factors combined made him a super calloused, fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Flooberjibby
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 08 2015
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Got my buddy good...

My buddy and I were just hanging out and we've got a tendency to dadjoke each other pretty often. At some point I made some comment about stealing his binder and notes. "Yeah, and to the man that stole my Microsoft Office, I'll hunt you down, you have my Word!" was his reply. After a second I looked at him sadly and said, "Hey man, he's just looking for a new Outlook on life, I'm sure he just wants to Excel." I've never been so satisfied with a look of defeat...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Beer4adog615
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23 2014
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My wife set me up perfectly.

She was writing an email back to her father who has a tendency to be vague.

Wife: "You know,communication is really a lost art. I'd say I'm a good judge of that."

Me: "I guess that makes you a rater of a lost art."

Groans

๐Ÿ‘︎ 38
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ks64165n
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 08 2014
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While driving my dad often had a tough time paying attention to certain signs...

One example of this was his tendency to drive down One Way roads, going the opposite direction.

My mother would say, "Hun, it's a one way road."

To which he'd respond, "Good thing I'm only going one way."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MY_HARD_BOILED_EGGS
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 23 2013
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Dad joked my Dad

Dad is going on a trip with some friends, many who snore or have tendencies otherwise making them poor bed-mates. Dad says "looks like this villa will have a double and a few kings, to which I reply: "I just see a bunch of Queens, if you ask me." Got 'em.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/justobserving87
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 12 2014
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And you can dance to it!

My mom, my aunt, and I are walking down a London street. My aunt comments a shirt that a girl walking in the opposite direction was wearing.

Aunt: "Why would you wear a shirt with "suicidal tendencies" on it?"

Me: "It's a band name."

Aunt: "A what?"

Me: "A BAND NAME"

Aunt: "..."

Aunt: "...Well that's upbeat."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mrscbutterworth
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 07 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Huge list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What c

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 31
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BeaconOnAChairMC
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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