They should have just named Cyberpunk 2077 β€œPaste”

Because you Ctrl V

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebscaller
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Why was the can of tomato paste voted off the ship?

Because ketchup sus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/choosegoos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.

Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theycallmeslayer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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Rest in Paste
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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What does Tooth Paste mean in Italian?

Pasta al dente!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tflightz
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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I made this crazy paste out of sesame seeds, it was so good I nearly ate all of it

Don’t worry I still have a tahini bit left

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glowcoma
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Tepsodent. Polgate. Glose-up. Don't trust them. They are all copy-paste.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madjholu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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What do you call someone who copies and pastes a flu epidemic?

A plaguerizer

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
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My grandma just sent a chain email full of these. I'll just copy and paste them.

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for the use of words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

Here goes...

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/All_Hail_Dionysus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
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Wrong tooth paste

I was over at my MIL's with my wife and my MIL's boyfriend. We got on the subject of how my wife hates cold, chunky food. The rest of the conversation went like this

Mbf: "They make a toothpaste for that. It's called sensodyne.

Wife: " I have tried it, but it didn't work."

Me: "No. It's sensodyne, not Trident."

I also think I stopped my wife from punching the Mbf, because he hates him and he always thinks he has the answer to thinks. So... dadjoked stopped my wife from assaulting someone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nolehusker
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2014
🚨︎ report
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

πŸ‘︎ 377
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
I just learned the past tense of remove!

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 534
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
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*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*

Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"

Me: "Oh, why?"

Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yupitsnoone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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Past present and future walk into a bar

It was a tense moment.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-sharkey97
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
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Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...

My how the stables have turned.

Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zthazel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Because of the covid-19 lockdowns, every morning for the past year, I announce proudly to my family that I’m going for a jog… and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
My boss said to me, β€œYou are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”

I said, β€œI’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 647
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aromipesa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20
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My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
As we drove past Ikea, my dad began one of his rants β€œWhy do people want Swedish furniture? The fancy closet in my bedroom was built by a good ol’ fashioned local carpenter, none of this foreign import rubbish!” He was surprisingly vocal...

For a closet racist.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
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One day Sven was walking past Ole's place and noticed a sign that said Boat For Sale.

Sven went up to the barn and said "Ole, I see da sign in your yard. All you have is a tractor and a combine". Ole said "Yep, and der boat for sale!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
I was walking past a field and saw a couple of guys stealing the steps off a fence.

A lady came up to me and said 'Aren't you going to stop them?'

I said 'No. That's not my stile.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegasketmaker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when Barry Allen thinks about his past

A Flashback

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClaRkkkkk5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
🚨︎ report
Past Your Eyes

My wife and I were grocery shopping a few years ago.

I am 6'6", she is 5'1".

She couldn't find something and asked for help.

I found it on an 'upper' shelf.

She said she hadn't seen it, and I said it was past-eur-ized. She looked blank, then her face lit up, and laughed.

It is a situation we will always share.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karl1952
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
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Dad, why did they cut off people's hands for theft in the past?

Hmm. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think they just wanted them to hand something back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SleepOrderDis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
What Do You Call Award-Winning Hummus That is Past its Expiration Date?

Posthummus.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jzagri
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
You can never "run" through a camp ground.

You can only "ran" because it's past tents. (Sorry if this has been posted before. I just joined this sub)

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cupcake_Octopus
πŸ“…︎ May 19
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I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...

"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
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The future, the present and the past walked into a bar.

Things got a little tense.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LayThatPipe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14
🚨︎ report
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...

They say it’s a blast from the past!

*credit to my 9 year old daughter

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Milmer0408
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
🚨︎ report
I visited a monastery the other day and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him "Are you the friar?"

He replied "No, I'm the chip monk..."

πŸ‘︎ 583
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Psst Psst! I know the past tense of remove

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiabloArya
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
For the past five years, I’ve said that i’m going to start jogging, but I never have

It’s starting to become a running joke at this point

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/owarner40
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
If you spell the words β€œAbsolutely Nothing” backwards, you get β€œGnihton Yletulosba,” which ironically means...

Absolutely nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealTripleH
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
🚨︎ report
I found pictures of Mt. Rushmore before it was carved

Its natural beauty was unpresidented

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shiva8512
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07
🚨︎ report
I just saw Jesus & a couple of His disciples drive past me in a new car

Looks like it was a Christler

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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Child walks past the parents bedroom, peaks inside and mumbles....

"And you want to send me to a psychologist for sucking my thumb."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21
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The price of hot air balloons has really gone up over the past twenty years.

It's the inflation.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dokutabiru
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22
🚨︎ report
I was in the hotel lobby the other day when I heard 2 chess masters bragging about past wins.

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

πŸ‘︎ 600
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superdolmiosauce
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What to do when a black cat crosses your path...
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacwatrebor3000
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
My neighbour has had 45 concussions in the past few weeks.

He lives just a stone throw away.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...

'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.

'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.

Edit : Holy crap ! More than 1K updoots for a silly joke ? Thanks guys ! I am not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of myself.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aabesh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zagmut
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Some guy on a tractor keeps driving past my house shouting, β€œTHE END IS NIGH!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!”

It might be farmer Geddon.

πŸ‘︎ 184
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Where did the hacker go?

Oh, he ransomware.

πŸ‘︎ 196
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saintkillio
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
🚨︎ report
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"

She stops and ask "What?"

- "Your speed!"

She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"

- "What?"

- "Your hair!"

Oof.

True story.

πŸ‘︎ 298
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaploiff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
When driving past a cemetery:

β€œSee that cemetery kids? That must be a really nice one.”

β€œWhy do you say that Dad?”

β€œPeople are just dying to get in there”

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fraggle_captain
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the pirate who had trouble with the alphabet?

He always got lost at sea!

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar.

It was very tense.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cuddlemath
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
🚨︎ report
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar

And things got a little tense.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,

Things got a little tense.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report

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