I amputated a man’s toe and replaced it with a prosthetic made out of a breath mint.
I gave him a Tic Tac toe.
what's green and if it fell out of a tree and landed on you, it would kill you?
My wife was struggling because the packs of frozen turkey kept falling out of the freezer onto the floor. “Makes sense, I guess,” I said. “Why’s that?”, she asked, walking straight into it.
“Well, they’re… ground meat.”
(True story…)
I have a party trick where I swallow rope and it comes out tied up shaped like the 21st letter of the alphabet.
I was driving by a FIVE GUYS today but I guess one of them quit because some of the lights the sign were out and it now says IV Guys.
The other guys is probably still Roman around.
I checked out Old MacDonald’s clothing sale. He had a lot of stuff, but it was mostly brightly colored, loose fitting Hawaiian dresses.
There was a muumuu here and a muumuu there, here a muu, there a muu, everywhere a muumuu.
My wife and I were discussing the TV show Magnum P.I. and she asked how many stars would I give it out of 4.
I told her I would give it 3.14 stars.
A farmer wakes up one morning to find ice on the inside of his windows. It's the coldest it has been all year. Worrying about his livestock he rushes out to the field to find all his cows standing motionless. He taps softly on one of the cows and realises the cows are frozen.
He rushes into the village to the church and shouts my cows are frozen can anyone help? A little old lady stands up and says I'll help you son. She walks up with him to the field and walks around the cows touching them one at a time. The cows defrost one at a time as she touches them. By now a crowd has gathered. The little old women walks away. The man is standing dumbfounded. He exclaims what just happened. Somebody from the crowd shouts do you not know that's Thora Herd.
mosquitos find me delicious. I guess my humor isn’t the only part of me that’s salty. it turns out sweating the small stuff is beneficial in some ways…
if you’re ever itching for more terrible jokes, you know where to find me…
hope I’m not bugging you guys too much with these awful puns
I decided to stop working for the man and to branch out on my own! It was slow at first, but my business of designing main courses for restaurants is really starting to pay off...
I like being out on my own, an entrée-preneur.
What has 4 legs, is green, and if it falls out of a tree can kill you?
this joke popped out of my mouth today. I'm proud of it. I was leaving to drive to the store and my wife said "stay vigilant out there"
I said "I'm so vigilant, people are already holding vigils for me"
People running out of gas usually see it coming from miles away
I was getting really paranoid and thinking the police were following me. Turns out it was just a member of the band *The Police*!
It was a Sting operation.
what is green, fluffy, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table
(I'm sorry, I'll let myself out, I know it was absolutely terrible even by dad joke standards)
An undertaker didn't close the back door all of the way, the coffin fell out and started rolling down a hill. He chased it for half a mile and then went into a pharmacy and said.....
"Do you have anything to stop this coffin?"
I ran out of gas suddenly a bee flew in my car and asked are you out of gas, yes I replied the Bee said I'll be back.. moments later a sworm of bees flew in my gas tank and flew off the bee said try it now it started I asked what did yall use the bee replied
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
If I see you walking out of the store with an orange wedge of cheese, I’m taking it.
Because that’s nacho cheese.
what sounds does a cow make when it runs out of milk?
Non, there's udder silence
What did the French printer say when it ran out of paper?
At work today I bent over to pick something up and inadvertently showed some of my butt crack. My boss immediately called me out for it and despite me being a model employee he fired me on the spot.
All that company cares about is the bottom line.
My wife and I were driving past a swarm of cows in a field and pointed it out to her, she said herd of cows.
I said of course I have heard of cows, I just pointed them out didn't I? I get no respect I tell ya
Guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He pulls out a painting of lily pads and hands it to the bartender.
Bartender says, “This one’s on me. Your Monet’s no good here!”
I swear, every time I take the orange juice out I spill a little of it
I bought a painting of an ancient Mongolian leader, but it turned out to be junk.
The guy who sold it to me was a khan artist.
The last time I had to worry about Roe V Wade, it was because my dad was threatening to throw me out of a canoe!
This morning I took food out of the bottom freezer and moved it up to the fridge to thaw.
It’s time to raise the steaks for dinner.
Every day, a doctor would go to the same bar and order a chestnut daiquiri. One day, the bartender ran out of chestnut and used hickory instead. The doctor came in, sipped it, and exclaimed, “Ew! What is this?!”. The bartender replied:
“That’s a hickory daiquiri, doc!”
When I was a child, air for your bike was free? While out biking with my kids one of my kids needed a little more air in his tire. We stopped at a gas station. It’s a $1.50 now! I asked the gas station attendant why it’s gone up so much.
I accidentally stretched some bacon taking it out of the packaging
I guess we're having pulled pork now.
What do you call it when you run out of string when you're sewing
I went to the hospital the other day because my wife was giving birth. The doctor came out of the room, handed me a baby and said “I’m sorry— your wife didn’t make it.”
I said, “Okay, could you give me the one my wife made?”
“That’s a nice ham you got there!” I told my wife as she pulled it out of the freezer
“It would be a shame if you added an ‘S’ to the front and an ‘E’ to the end!”
Winnie the Pooh fell out of a tree and broke both his legs. While he was recovering in the hospital an administrator came and told him his insurance plan wouldn't cover it. Shocked, Pooh asked why not.
"Well, it's two bear bones"
My friend and I were by a lake. Before I knew it, out of nowhere, he started walking on water. You know what I said?
I know eyelashes are meant to keep things out of your eyes, but it seems to me the only things that get in my eyes and irritate them are eyelashes...
Being a pilot is staring out a window instead of a screen, sitting at the controls instead of your computer, intercom to passengers instead of Webex. It’s really just an office job…
A guy pulls out a stick and starts carving it with his knife. His friend yells: "Hey! You dropped a big piece of wood on my floor!" The first guy responds:
/r/Jokes/comments/uvelpm/…
I couldn’t afford a weight set so I tried to work out using 3 liter bottles of Dr Pepper, but instead of getting stronger it made me feel sad.
It was just soda pressing.
I got into an argument with my sister the other day. She said it was impossible to make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta
What Is Big, Green And If It Falls Out Of A Tree It Kills You
What is large, green, has 4 legs, and would hurt you if it fell out of a tree and hit you?
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it...
So I did. We had a few drinks, pretty cool guy, said he works as a web developer.
What's green has four legs and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk?
None. There is udder silence.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it…
So I did. We had a few drinks, pretty cool guy. He said he works as a web developer.
What is big and black and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you
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