Went to GameStop to use the bathroom, but it was out of order...
I guess I have to keep holding it.
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.
If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
Someone who points out the obvious.
Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
Why was 4 afraid to ask out 5?
Because he was 2 squared.
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...
What do Mexicans eat when it's cold out?
I just found out that Einstein was a real person...
I always thought he was a theoretical physicist.
I've offered my elderly neighbour $20 to try out her stair lift.
I think she's going to take me up on it.
I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.
It’s because they charge a lot.
The hardest part for someone when coming out
Saying it with a straight face
A midget stumbles out of the bar...
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Please don’t resort to violins and anger if you don’t notice.
2 snowmen out in a field, one turns to the other and says...
Text message conversation with my dad the other day, where I out-dadded him.
Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush.
Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke?
Dad: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
I made a belt out of watches
What's it called when Batman skips out on Church?
What's green, has 4 legs, and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?
These puns are getting out of Mein Kampfort zone
My roomba went out my front door and a pack of bears attacked it, an eagle carried it away to the ocean, and a shark finished it off.
What do buffalo do when they run out of bread?
They go to the store to bison.
:D :D :D :D :D
My wife tested my knowledge of common household herbs, and I’m happy to say I got 4 out of 5 right.
What kind of horses only come out at night?
I was at a hotel and asked the front desk to switch my pillow out with one filled with feathers...
My girlfriend broke up with me when she walked in on me making out with my personal trainer
She said "This isn't working out."
Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?
I just found out the country of Canada is a complete work of fiction.
Poor dude must be spaced out.
I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"
But it's just a curd to me
Just got out of a great interview with an amazing new job...
They told me they were looking for someone responsible! I told them this was perfect, whenever something went wrong at my old job they always said I was responsible.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Just found out my uncle is addicted to viagra
My aunt has been taking it hard
Just rolling it out for ya
I just found out that “Lincoln” made about $300 million in movie theatres.
Which is weird. Lincoln usually doesn’t do too well in theatres.
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris go out for a morning run together
Kamala finishes in just under twelve minutes and Joe is already waiting for her at the finish line.
"How'd you do?" she asks him.
"I finished in 10 minutes and 46 seconds. That's got to be a new record among Presidents, right?"
"No" Kamala replies. "Bush did 9:11".
Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?
Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh
I'm scared of coming out as bi
It might end up being a pain in the ass.
Just saw that joke about eating a clock for the umpteenth time. Finally decided to try eating a clock myself, but now I'm freaking out.
I think I picked up a nervous tic.
I figured out why teslas cost so much.
It’s because they charge a lot.
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.
What is big, green and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
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