I begin my new job tomorrow, proofreading for Merriam-Webster, the online dictionary. I asked them if I'd be starting at nine, and they told me to fuck off.

I'll be starting at aardvark, like everybody else.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m driving through England, and will be staying in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My kids came out of school and told my partner they have made cards for her for Mother's Day. I asked for a card, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,

on Sonday.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skilldan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow

It was our last warming.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm 29 and my 30th birthday is tomorrow. My gf asked if I feel old yet.

I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."

πŸ‘︎ 177
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clit_or_us
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.

I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Tomorrow is International Mud Day, and I had this marvellous exchange with my 4 year old today, Sunday: "Better prepare your gumboots, tomorrow is Mud Day!" I exclaimed. My child, without missing a beat, replied:

"No it's not, it's MUNday!" The apprentice has now become the master.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A famous viking of the red clan came home one day and told his wife it's gonna rain tomorrow. She asked him how he knows. He told her:

Rudolf the red knows rain, dear!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/psayayayduck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
WhatΒ΄s the difference between yesterday and tomorrow

today

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pepedarealone
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I always wanted my dad to grow a beard and would try to get him to not shave in the mornings. As he began shaving, he would always promise me that he’d start growing a beard β€˜tomorrow’, but he never did.

He was a bald faced liar.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Tomorrow's my biology practical exam and I don't know how to chemically test for glucose

I'm so gonna be Fehling the test

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/killercatto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
🚨︎ report
If tomorrow in Spanish is manana, and morning in Spanish is manana...

Tomorrow morning must be...

Mañana mañana 🎢 do do do do do 🎢

Mañana mañana 🎢 do do do do 🎢

Mañana mañana 🎢 do doo de-do-do de-do-do de-do-do de-do-do-do do do do-doo do 🎢

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/broganreynik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and she’s wanted to get a new cat (recently lost our old one), so my son and I got a cat from the animal shelter, put her gently into a large gift bag and brought her home. Before I could shut my driver door my son ran inside and ruined the surprise...

Can’t believe he let the cat out of the bag.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5d2248650
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.

I’m planning to get down with the kids.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My someday sister-in-law is getting hand surgery tomorrow, and is looking for some cheering up. Looking to add to my pun repertoire!
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lexxer90
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Just a reminder for everyone to plan ahead and allow for extra time tomorrow

The internet is going to have more traffic than usual

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ipalush89
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife is going on a trip tomorrow and told me she needs to pack.

I told her that's quite unfortunate because he's dead.

πŸ‘︎ 151
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unidentifiedfish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2015
🚨︎ report
My brother in-law an I are going fishing tomorrow morning and my daughter asked what we are fishing for.

I told her, "just for the halibut (hell of it)"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Last night, my wife looks at me with a sudden realization and says, "We have to DO IT tomorrow!!"

My first thought was, "why is that not the goal for every day?" When I asked OK but why, her response was, "We can't let the last day of the year end without a bang!"

πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DigitiQuinti
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2015
🚨︎ report
Wife says, "I've got to dress up tomorrow, and I can't find anything to wear."

I replied, "What do you want to dress up as?"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peternemr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
🚨︎ report
The talent show's tomorrow and I'm not ready.

I really gotta get my act together.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chopperfive
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2017
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and I are going out on a date tomorrow and I told her I would pay for the whole thing if I were made of money.

Girlfriend (Being Cute): Wait, you aren't made of money?

Me: No, just my eyes.

Girlfriend: ??

Me: Their my cents of sight.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgentBronson
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
🚨︎ report
My car's name is Word and there's a race tomorrow.

But don't take my word for it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
🚨︎ report
I had a date yesterday. I have one today. And tomorrow... and the day after...

I hate being a calendar.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryzikx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2017
🚨︎ report
Took the day off from work and helping my wife cook bread for Turkey Day tomorrow...

I sent her a picture of the progress, she replied that I probably used too much flour, I replied "Sorry, I didn't know how much I kneaded." Groans were heard around the world.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aRVAthrowaway
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Tomorrow I have to take my Q40 into the dealership for an oil change, then pick up new bed sheets and some towels.

To Infiniti, and Bed Bath & Beyond!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OPs_Mom_and_Dad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2015
🚨︎ report
I'm flying to Oregon tomorrow, and my dad asked me to bring him back something.

He said, "Can you bring me back one of those folded paper ducks? I think it's called Origoni."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClubbedParsley
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
🚨︎ report
I’m traveling through England and will be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I am driving through England on a road trip, and I’m supposed to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m driving through England, and am scheduled to pass through Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in the meantime.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m driving through England and am supposed to stop in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I am driving through England, and I’m supposed to go to Greenwich tomorrow.

Any ideas what to do in the Mean Time?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report

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