I begin my new job tomorrow, proofreading for Merriam-Webster, the online dictionary. I asked them if I'd be starting at nine, and they told me to fuck off.
I'll be starting at aardvark, like everybody else.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 10 2021
Iβm driving through England, and will be staying in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
π︎ 102
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
My kids came out of school and told my partner they have made cards for her for Mother's Day. I asked for a card, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
π︎ 36
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
I'm 29 and my 30th birthday is tomorrow. My gf asked if I feel old yet.
I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."
π︎ 177
π
︎ Mar 14 2020
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.
I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
Tomorrow is International Mud Day, and I had this marvellous exchange with my 4 year old today, Sunday: "Better prepare your gumboots, tomorrow is Mud Day!" I exclaimed. My child, without missing a beat, replied:
"No it's not, it's MUNday!"
The apprentice has now become the master.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 28 2020
A famous viking of the red clan came home one day and told his wife it's gonna rain tomorrow. She asked him how he knows. He told her:
Rudolf the red knows rain, dear!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 05 2020
WhatΒ΄s the difference between yesterday and tomorrow
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 04 2020
I always wanted my dad to grow a beard and would try to get him to not shave in the mornings. As he began shaving, he would always promise me that heβd start growing a beard βtomorrowβ, but he never did.
He was a bald faced liar.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 04 2019
Tomorrow's my biology practical exam and I don't know how to chemically test for glucose
I'm so gonna be Fehling the test
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 30 2018
If tomorrow in Spanish is manana, and morning in Spanish is manana...
Tomorrow morning must be...
MaΓ±ana maΓ±ana πΆ do do do do do πΆ
MaΓ±ana maΓ±ana πΆ do do do do πΆ
MaΓ±ana maΓ±ana πΆ do doo de-do-do de-do-do de-do-do de-do-do-do do do do-doo do πΆ
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 05 2019
Itβs my wifeβs birthday tomorrow and sheβs wanted to get a new cat (recently lost our old one), so my son and I got a cat from the animal shelter, put her gently into a large gift bag and brought her home. Before I could shut my driver door my son ran inside and ruined the surprise...
Canβt believe he let the cat out of the bag.
π︎ 37
π
︎ Mar 17 2019
Iβm taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.
Iβm planning to get down with the kids.
π︎ 73
π
︎ Jan 28 2019
My someday sister-in-law is getting hand surgery tomorrow, and is looking for some cheering up. Looking to add to my pun repertoire!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 02 2017
Just a reminder for everyone to plan ahead and allow for extra time tomorrow
The internet is going to have more traffic than usual
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 25 2018
My wife is going on a trip tomorrow and told me she needs to pack.
I told her that's quite unfortunate because he's dead.
π︎ 151
π
︎ Oct 31 2015
My brother in-law an I are going fishing tomorrow morning and my daughter asked what we are fishing for.
I told her, "just for the halibut (hell of it)"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 29 2018
Last night, my wife looks at me with a sudden realization and says, "We have to DO IT tomorrow!!"
My first thought was, "why is that not the goal for every day?"
When I asked OK but why, her response was, "We can't let the last day of the year end without a bang!"
π︎ 128
π
︎ Dec 31 2015
Wife says, "I've got to dress up tomorrow, and I can't find anything to wear."
I replied, "What do you want to dress up as?"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 21 2018
The talent show's tomorrow and I'm not ready.
I really gotta get my act together.
π︎ 20
π
︎ May 25 2017
My girlfriend and I are going out on a date tomorrow and I told her I would pay for the whole thing if I were made of money.
Girlfriend (Being Cute): Wait, you aren't made of money?
Me: No, just my eyes.
Girlfriend: ??
Me: Their my cents of sight.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 09 2018
My car's name is Word and there's a race tomorrow.
But don't take my word for it.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 22 2018
I had a date yesterday. I have one today. And tomorrow... and the day after...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 08 2017
Took the day off from work and helping my wife cook bread for Turkey Day tomorrow...
I sent her a picture of the progress, she replied that I probably used too much flour, I replied "Sorry, I didn't know how much I kneaded." Groans were heard around the world.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 26 2014
Tomorrow I have to take my Q40 into the dealership for an oil change, then pick up new bed sheets and some towels.
To Infiniti, and Bed Bath & Beyond!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 18 2015
I'm flying to Oregon tomorrow, and my dad asked me to bring him back something.
He said, "Can you bring me back one of those folded paper ducks? I think it's called Origoni."
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 01 2015
Iβm traveling through England and will be in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
I am driving through England on a road trip, and Iβm supposed to be in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Aug 25 2020
Iβm driving through England, and am scheduled to pass through Greenwich tomorrow.
Not too sure what to do in the meantime.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Dec 28 2018
Iβm driving through England and am supposed to stop in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 14 2019
I am driving through England, and Iβm supposed to go to Greenwich tomorrow.
Any ideas what to do in the Mean Time?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 04 2019
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