When visiting Hawaii, you're not allowed to laugh out loud.
Twenty Twenty won, and we're not out of the water yet! 2022 is Twenty Twenty too!
"Son, you're not cut out to be a mime artist."
"Was it something I said?"
"YES!!"
It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...
I don't think anyone is shocked.
(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)
When people find out I’m not a very good electrician
A Russian named Rudolph looked out of his window one day and told his wife not to go out without an umbrella. His wife asked ”What makes you say that”?
He replied ”Rudolph the red knows rain dear”.
I just found out that Aaargghhh is not a real word.
I can’t tell you how angry I am at this.
My pet ted just found out he's not my biological son. So I had to tell him..
I am trying to figure out whether that fuel tanker in front of me is full or not.
Your gas is as good as mine.
Asked my friends if they could drink 5 litres of fuel and not be sick. Turned out.....
I was spelling out words to my wife so my daughter would not know what we were talking about.
She told me to stop spelling, it was giving her a headache.
Me: “O K”.
A man is out ice fishing, but not having any luck. But he sees a guy across the lake pulling out fish after fish.
So the man goes over and says “I’ve been watching you catch so many fish today, but I’m getting nothing. What’s your secret?”
The other man says “Mffffmmm mmmm mfffmmmm mmmmm”
The first man says “What?”
The other man spits something into his hand and says “I said, you gotta keep your worms warm!”
Not sure if this board works out.
Trump is going out, not with a bang, but...
Turns out that Lance Armstrong was not only taking drugs...
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
Starbucks is missing out on a huge business opportunity by NOT selling masks that you can drink through.
They could call them coughy filters.
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I replied, “Don’t call me son, you’re not my dad.” He scratched his head and said...
“No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
One for all the musicians out there sorry not sorry
Finally realised these "gym" boards are not going to work out.
I just found out that my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof.
I just found out why dark is spelled with a K and not a C
It’s because we can’t see in the dark.
He wood've turned out great too, had he not turned to the other side
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
The guy in front of me in the supermarket was just told they were out of breathmints. He did not like that.
6 out of 7 Dwarves are not Happy
There are reports that, because of the covid outbreak, Rick Astley is hoarding copies of a 2009 Pixar film, and all albums by a southern metal band from New Orleans. He is not allowing anyone to borrow them. It's also said that Mr. Astley is refusing to go out and purchase cake for others.
To summarize:
He's never gonna give you Up
Never gonna lend you Down
Never gonna run around, and dessert you.
I decided to grow out a quarantine beard. I'm not really sure why, I guess I just had a wild hair.
I didn't really like it at first, but I have to say it's really grown on me.
My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
I was hanging out with my sister the other day and she showed me a meme. I had not idea what it meant so I asked her
I had to go to a specialist to check out my bladder. The guy I saw was frickin jacked and kept warning me not to forget an umbrella.
I was like what are you some kinda meaty urologist?
Why do judges not like to go out into the sun?
It helps them remain fair
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I'd not seen in years. "This is Beth." I said, introducing my kid. "And what's Beth short for?" he asked.
"Because she's only three." I answered.
"Arkham" is not only a prison. It's also what Noah made out of the pigs.
I was filling out the SAT form and asked if it was the SAT with essay or not
Of course it is. It’s the essayt
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you shit faced.”
Just found out that Aaaargghhh is not a real word.
Can’t tell you how angry I am at this.
I just found out that “AAARGHH” is not a real word
I can’t express how angry I am
People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.
People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a good electrician.
People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a great electrician.
People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician
Most are shocked when they find out I am not a very good electrician.
"Son you're just not cut out to be a mime."
"Is it something I said?"
"Yes."
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