When visiting Hawaii, you're not allowed to laugh out loud.

Only a low ha.

πŸ‘︎ 377
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaceAltair
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Twenty Twenty won, and we're not out of the water yet! 2022 is Twenty Twenty too!
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeCarrie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
"Son, you're not cut out to be a mime artist."

"Was it something I said?"

"YES!!"

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...

I don't think anyone is shocked.

(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/christag
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
When people find out I’m not a very good electrician

They are shocked

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A Russian named Rudolph looked out of his window one day and told his wife not to go out without an umbrella. His wife asked ”What makes you say that”?

He replied ”Rudolph the red knows rain dear”.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I just found out that Aaargghhh is not a real word.

I can’t tell you how angry I am at this.

πŸ‘︎ 304
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My pet ted just found out he's not my biological son. So I had to tell him..

"you're a-dog-ted"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/puzzlemaster1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I am trying to figure out whether that fuel tanker in front of me is full or not.

Your gas is as good as mine.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Asked my friends if they could drink 5 litres of fuel and not be sick. Turned out.....

Jerry can.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I was spelling out words to my wife so my daughter would not know what we were talking about.

She told me to stop spelling, it was giving her a headache.

Me: β€œO K”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dnkyhunter31
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
A man is out ice fishing, but not having any luck. But he sees a guy across the lake pulling out fish after fish.

So the man goes over and says β€œI’ve been watching you catch so many fish today, but I’m getting nothing. What’s your secret?”

The other man says β€œMffffmmm mmmm mfffmmmm mmmmm”

The first man says β€œWhat?”

The other man spits something into his hand and says β€œI said, you gotta keep your worms warm!”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Not sure if this board works out.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Trump is going out, not with a bang, but...

with a WI/MI/PA.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yazars
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Turns out that Lance Armstrong was not only taking drugs...

He was pedaling too.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?

It felt like a third wheel

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Starbucks is missing out on a huge business opportunity by NOT selling masks that you can drink through.

They could call them coughy filters.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.

She did not hold Up well.

πŸ‘︎ 302
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mortalfloater
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out, the operator said, β€œHave a good day, son.” I replied, β€œDon’t call me son, you’re not my dad.” He scratched his head and said...

β€œNo, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
One for all the musicians out there sorry not sorry
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schnickelfritz420
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Finally realised these "gym" boards are not going to work out.
πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I just found out that my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof.

I was shocked.

πŸ‘︎ 234
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevehrowe2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I just found out why dark is spelled with a K and not a C

It’s because we can’t see in the dark.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nowthatscrazy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
He wood've turned out great too, had he not turned to the other side
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_like_miniwheats
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.

That was when I put my foot down!

πŸ‘︎ 277
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The guy in front of me in the supermarket was just told they were out of breathmints. He did not like that.

He went menthol!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/midy-dk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
6 out of 7 Dwarves are not Happy
πŸ‘︎ 282
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fanoran
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
There are reports that, because of the covid outbreak, Rick Astley is hoarding copies of a 2009 Pixar film, and all albums by a southern metal band from New Orleans. He is not allowing anyone to borrow them. It's also said that Mr. Astley is refusing to go out and purchase cake for others.

To summarize:

He's never gonna give you Up

Never gonna lend you Down

Never gonna run around, and dessert you.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I decided to grow out a quarantine beard. I'm not really sure why, I guess I just had a wild hair.

I didn't really like it at first, but I have to say it's really grown on me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/creeystalkerguy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Psych-Demon
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I was hanging out with my sister the other day and she showed me a meme. I had not idea what it meant so I asked her

β€œwhat does it meme?”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-bonas-
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to go to a specialist to check out my bladder. The guy I saw was frickin jacked and kept warning me not to forget an umbrella.

I was like what are you some kinda meaty urologist?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WheelyMac
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do judges not like to go out into the sun?

It helps them remain fair

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vanrocks
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I'd not seen in years. "This is Beth." I said, introducing my kid. "And what's Beth short for?" he asked.

"Because she's only three." I answered.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/makka-pakka
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
🚨︎ report
"Arkham" is not only a prison. It's also what Noah made out of the pigs.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MinFootspace
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I was filling out the SAT form and asked if it was the SAT with essay or not

Of course it is. It’s the essayt

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dahvos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Me: I understand. And for the main course?

πŸ‘︎ 565
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, β€œI’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”

I said, β€œYeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you shit faced.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gun_God
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Just found out that Aaaargghhh is not a real word.

Can’t tell you how angry I am at this.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I just found out that β€œAAARGHH” is not a real word

I can’t express how angry I am

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.
πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chatters01
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I just found out that β€œAaarghh” is not a real word.

I can’t express how angry that makes me.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
🚨︎ report
People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.
πŸ‘︎ 405
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/khanglikestowin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a good electrician.
πŸ‘︎ 287
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkseidHS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a great electrician.
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cain1010
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_DaRock_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Most are shocked when they find out I am not a very good electrician.
πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
"Son you're just not cut out to be a mime."

"Is it something I said?"

"Yes."

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report

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