A river was depressed and jumped off a cliff. After years of this occurring I asked....

Water you doing?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
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The Doors, in 1966, heard the news about Buddhist monks performing acts of self immolation. After listening to what was occurring, they decided to make a heartfelt song to express their solidarity with the Buddhist plight.

And that’s why we have a song called β€œLight my Friar”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wyllyam1111
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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How often do pirate attacks occur?
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HaltingHall0
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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This occurred to me at 1 am and I’ve never been more proud
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captain_Cookiez
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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I just read most auto accidents occur within 3 miles from home.

That’s it we’re moving!

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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Whats the worst crime to occur at a fish market?

Getting battered

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TL4Life
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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It occurs to me at this stage the election has become sexist.

All I see are male in ballots.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NinjaRage83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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It occurred to me today that I would have loved to see two of my favorite bands from the 90s, led respectively by David Usher and Gavin Rossdale, on the same ticket. The sign on the theatre would have been epic.

Moist Bush.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/average_legend
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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My wife is upset with me...

All I said was, "Hi coming, I'm Dad!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoraceSchemer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Detective Johnson and detective Smith were investigating a murder that occurred next to a playground. The only witnesses to the murder were four children, a brother age 3 and sister age 4, and a different brother (age 7) and sister (age 8).

The children all lived in a nearby apartment complex. The younger siblings lived in apartment 8D and the older ones lived in apartment 9D. Detective Johnson advised Detective Smith that she probably shouldn’t bother question 8D’s children about what they saw, since they’re too young to have a reliable memory. He believed that Smith would have a better chance of getting good information from the older children, since only 9D’s kids will remember.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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An actual headline in Bloomberg news this morning:

"Saudi Arabia Oil Fears Look Well Founded."

I love it when these things occur in nature!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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What do you call someone who saw a crime occur at an Apple Store?

An iWitness

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πŸ‘€︎ u/samrf1202
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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After aimlessly walking around the gym for an hour, something occurred to me.

This isn’t working out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zachpledger
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.

The man says "One whiskey for me and one for the road"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedCakesYT
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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As a US citizen, seeing all of these trade wars occuring with our country has me tarrified.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clit_or_us
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
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Some people don’t like all the attention that occurs when you combine the spellings of 3 with 5 to create both a fake word/number.

But personally, I thrive on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadynasty15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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What occurs when you combine images of plants together?

Photosynthesis

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πŸ‘€︎ u/g0t__em
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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Scientists have discovered a giant naturally occuring windmill

They say it's Mother nature's biggest fan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CJ_Productions
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
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Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.

They are looking for a cereal killer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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According to a new report, adverse side effects from Botox injections occurred in a large number of people last year

None of them seemed surprised

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
What Jewish light phenomenon occurs in the northern sky?

Menorah borealis

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HHStorm21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
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My husband got my daughter today. Eye rolling occurred...

Eating at IHOP

Daughter: "What is sugar substitute?"

Dad: "You use that when sugar calls in sick."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emilykitt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2016
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A massacre occurred one day in the town hall....

Everybody wearing Polo, Nike, Ralph Lauren, ect. was killed. After the cops came the they found one survivor and asked him " How'd you survive son?"

"I was wearing under-armor" he replied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/siddis76
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2016
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Did you hear about the guy that got pecked to death by a chicken?

It was a murder most fowl

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fukurslf
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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I am ashamed to admit the following occurred during project management training today:

We had begun a section on 'change management', and to prove his point, the facilitator challenged us to try to name one thing that does not involve change.

I proudly shouted out "A CREDIT CARD!"

He looks at me and asks, "A... credit card?"

I reply, "Yes. There is no change when paying with a credit card..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Utsis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2016
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Laughing at a fart joke, a thought occurs to me...

The reek shall inherit the mirth!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talmet456
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2012
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I'm sexually attracted to the note that occurs at 440hz

I'm an Asexual

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordOfCinderGwyn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2016
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I asked my dad when most airplane accidents occur and he said...

When they hit the ground Edit: I also told him that when we are in the air it feels like swimming and he said that that is exactly how the Malaysian flight felt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/junjus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2014
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Chess Pun

Did it ever occur to Magnus Carlsen that he could be eliminated from his own chess tournament?

Norway!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freewillson
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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Brand new protein powder, not even filled half whey
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πŸ‘€︎ u/4Lman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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I know it’s not gneiss to say it, but..
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
🚨︎ report
An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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My 17yo niece fell victim to my 32yo dad/uncle humor.

So my mom, my oldest sister, and her daughter where at mine and my wife’s house for the weekend.

After having all the lights out so my wife and niece could play with a Ouija board, my niece wanted to make a cup of hot cocoa in the kitchen but she could find the light switch. The following exchange occurred...

Niece: Where is the light in the kitchen? Me: On the ceiling. Niece: Ok, but how do you turn it on? Me: With a light switch. Niece: Where is the light switch? Me: On the wall. Niece: Which wall? Me: The one with the switch.

She’s a good sport tho. We where laughing, she was grinning but definitely done with my uncle shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HunterShotBear
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Daughter: I have to do a report on sinkholes. Me: Oh, well do you know the best kind of sinkhole?

Sinkhole de Mayo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danbertgilbs
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2016
🚨︎ report

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