Oatmeal...

is just meatloaf that doesn't give a f.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/jeromocles
šŸ“…︎ Jun 27
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I offered to make my girlfriend some oatmeal.

When she declined, I told her she was missing oat.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/KeepingItKosher
šŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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Forgetful Francesca had a lot of items on her list as she headed to the Super Store... celery, cinnamon, oatmeal, mint, mustard and chocolate.

Upon arrival, she couldn't remember which were groceries and which were paint colors.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/thomasbrakeline
šŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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What do you call an oatmeal cream pie that looks like Michael Jackson?

Lil Deb HEE-HEE

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/artistro08
šŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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What is a skeleton's favorite flavor of oatmeal?

LEECHES and SCREAM

...

woooOOOOoooOOOooo, haaaaappy hallooooweeeeen!

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Scutshakes
šŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2017
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I seriously overcooked my oatmeal this morning.

Eating it was pretty grueling.

šŸ‘︎ 20
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Lassnya
šŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
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Eating oatmeal this morning...

Me: "Dad, did you put two packets of Oatmeal in this bowl?" Dad: "Two pack? Isn't that a rapper?"

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/jrsjr
šŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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2020 came out looking like a warm chocolate chip cookie...

then BAM oatmeal raisin!

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Savannah_P_Frost
šŸ“…︎ Jul 05
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So today my wife was telling me that she had a headache.

In fact it was a migraine. So I asked her if I got myself a bowl of oatmeal if I would also have a My Grain.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/StuntsMonkey
šŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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šŸ‘︎ 549
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Mairiphinc
šŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2017
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I told my kids I used to be a serial killer

But these days Iā€™m more of an oatmeal killer

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Kevstew26
šŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
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Brought a tear to my eye

I'm currently teaching at a summer program for kids going into 1st grade through 6th grade. I've been using the opportunity to relentlessly torment the kids with dadjokes and puns, naturally.

This morning, one of my 6 year olds was having breakfast. She looked down at the oatmeal and said "Oooh, this is hot, and I'm cold."

She then instantly looked up at me and insisted "Don't call me cold, don't call me cold, don't call me cold!"

I'm so proud.

šŸ‘︎ 2k
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/dakana
šŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2015
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My dad is planning on paint colors with my mom...

I can hear them talking since they're just in the other room.

> Mom: How about Toasted Oatmeal? Do you like Toasted Oatmeal?

> Dad: Not on my walls. That would be messy.

The groan was tangible from my mom.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/BasslineRaver
šŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2015
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Very punny, husband.

I'm in my kitchen this morning trying to make myself some oatmeal when I discover that we are out of bowls yet again. (We only have a couple and we have a roommate, so this is a common problem.)

I say to my husband, "We need more fucking bowls! This is bullshit!"

He starts to giggle.

"What the fuck is so funny about not having enough bowls???"

"It sounded like you said, 'This is bowlshit.'" He continues to laugh.

Sigh.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/ladybrekizzle
šŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
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Uphill, both ways.

We've all heard the old dad joke about how our parents had to walk 20 miles to school, through 8-foot snowdrifts, "uphill, both ways." My Dad used to tell it all the time, but he had a masterful (in my opinion) ending to it.

He would tell the joke as most of us have heard it, and then would say "...and if you dropped your lunch, you were shit out of luck." This never made sense to me until one day I asked him; "Why didn't you just pick it up?"

His reply...."Do you know hard it is to pick a handful of warm oatmeal out of a snowbank!?"

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Rebel_Caper
šŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
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And the Son Makes the Dad proud...

I made home-made oatmeal for breakfast, and Grandma (my mother-in-law) wanted hers with just butter and sugar. She said "I grew up with butter and sugar."

My responds with "OK, but what did you eat?"

My Son just made me so proud!

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/texas1st
šŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2015
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A DadJoke that I donate to the community.

I thought of this while eating oatmeal. My son is only 15 months old, so I donate it to those of you who have children old enough to groan.

Me: If people eat oatmeal for breakfast, what do goats eat?

Kid: What?

Me: Goat-meal!

Kid: <groan>

Me: If people eat oatmeal for breakfast, and goats eat goat-meal, what do boats eat?

Kid: (hopefully) Boat-meal!

Me: No, boats don't eat!

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šŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
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I was on a dad joke roll today.

This morning at breakfast my SO asked me how I eat my oatmeal. My response was "With my mouth." And at the bank a little later the teller asked how I wanted my cash back. I said "In my hands." ba dum tss

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/sonaked
šŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
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Cookie orders came in today

Younger brother, who is in the school band, got his cookie orders in and was going over the list.

Brother: Ok, oatmeal raisin, chocolate chip, katydids,

Dad: Don't forget the katydonts!

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/nsmh11
šŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2013
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