Anyone else noticing a recent influx of herb related jokes?
It is that thyme of year, I suppose.
My pregnant girlfriend was noticing and complimenting my figure after going to the gym and eating healthily for some time.
Me: so what you’re saying is... “dad ass”.
Been noticing weird things with my neighbor lately. No idea why he shovels soil from his side, into mine.
For the last few months, I’ve been noticing that my teenage son periodically breaks into hives.
I have no idea why he hates bees so much.
An aspiring beekeeper went to a farmer’s market to pick up a small hive. They placed an order for a dozen bees. When picking up the bees, the seller handed them a case of thirteen bees. Noticing the extra bee, the keeper pointed it out to the seller.
The seller said, “Oh, that last one is a freebee!”
I took my friend's board game without him noticing.
What do you call a group of people who eat others food without them noticing?
Accordion to a recent study, you can replace one word with the name of a musical instrument without anybody noticing.
What could be worse than biting an apple, and noticing that there's a worm in it ?
Biting an apple, and noticing that there's half a worm in it.
My uncle dropped his USB key without noticing.
After I told my uncle he had dropped the USB, he thanked me, picked it up, looked me dead in the eyes, and said, "Sometimes, it feels like I'm losing my memory."
....
Dad's standard response to (anyone) noticing his haircut...
Unsuspecting straight-person stating the obvious: "You've had a haircut!"
Dad: "No, actually, I had several of them cut.
...y'know, it works out cheaper to have them all done at the same time!"
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Please don’t resort to violins and anger if you don’t notice.
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
I’ve noticed I can tell when the ocean is smoking pot lately.
I’ve noticed I can tell when the ocean is smoking pot lately. How can I tell? When I see that the Tide is High.
Don’t know if this counts as a dad joke.
If you notice cows sleeping in a field...
Does it mean it’s pasture bedtime?
Two monsters were at a party having a good time when one of them noticed a lady monster rolled her eyes at them. The monster asked his monster friend "what should I do?"
The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."
Went to the pet store and ordered a dozen bees. I noticed that the clerk gave me 13...
so I asked if that was a free bee. He replied, "No, that's called a baker's dozen. If you spent less time reading reposts on Reddit, you would know that."
Have you ever noticed
That when geese fly South for the winter in a V formation one side of the V is always longer than the other. You know why ?
.
There are more geese in that line
Anyone else notice
the Supreme Court has been more Ruthless than normal?
I noticed the other day that my fence was leaning something fierce
It’s okay now all it needed was a repost
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
I stood, rubbing a piece of plywood that was leaning against the wall, waiting for someone to notice.
“What are you doing, dad?”
I sigh a long, heavy sigh.
“Not much, just feeling board.”
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
Ever notice how there aren’t many people named Lance these days?
Back in medieval times people used to be named Lancelot.
Have you ever noticed
that Ireland is one sea away from Iceland?
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
I've noticed that my son gets angry whenever he's having a growth spurt.
I was walking down the street after leaving the pharmacy and noticed a casket was chasing me. Well all I had was a bottle off cough syrup so I threw it at the casket...
...and then the coffin stopped.
What did our lord and savior do when He noticed the temple floor was dirty?
My wife changed our cereal from Cheerios to Frosties, and I only noticed this morning
I felt a little out of the loop on that one
My brother had to quit his job as a weightlifter because he wasn't strong enough.
He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.
I've noticed I have been saying "mucho" more when speaking with my Hispanic friends...
Notice the hand gesture [OC]
How did a musician steal from a bank without being noticed?
A man takes his seat at a football world cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.
MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"
GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"
GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"
While driving down in a part of town we don't usually visit, my 12yo son noticed and mentioned a barber shop named Roman Palace.
I told him they only do Caesar cuts.
Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...
... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...
Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!
OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"
A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...
Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?
He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.
Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.
Finally, he could take it no longer...
"Bethany..." he said
"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand-new Rolex."
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Saw an accident at a farm and then noticed two young sheep charging there with sirens on their heads.
They were the lamb-ulance
You ever notice how few Deloreans you see on the road?
I guess their owners only drive them from time to time.
I was pouring morning coffee from our bodem and my wife noticed I poured mine first and asked why
I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce.
Now give me my 7 upvotes
Have you ever noticed?
Have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder...
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
If you notice cows sleeping in a field
does that mean it's pasture bedtime?
I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery.
I had one of them tested, and it was positive. Hope it's not terminal.
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand new Rolex."
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