My son's nails grew so long

I just clipped two feet of toenails

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fendalin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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I ran over a nail and popped my tire when my wife and I left the farmers market.

I should have bought asparagus.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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What do you get when you nail a dog to a tree?

Bark!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adam-ottawa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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I was walking out of the store when I was approached by a crazed man who threw a short but large nail into the air.

He seemed non-aggressive at first, but he’s quite angry now and it appears I’m under a tack.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesusofbullets
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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I got innovative nail clippers for Christmas.

They’re cutting edge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anddditburns
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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My hammer has 100% nail hitting accuracy

because if I miss the nail, I hit my nail

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolf_cy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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What is a stressful session at the nail salon called?

A panicure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aceto1469
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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A man came in my tech repair shop complaining his nail had damaged his windows laptop and was concerned it wouldn't work anymore

I told him not to worry- he's only scratched the surface

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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For when you get a nail in your tire
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarlungs1104666
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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Nail salons closed, Lash salons closed, Hair salons closed, Tanning salons closed, waxing salons closed...

It's about to get ugly out there.

Stay safe.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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I went to a nail bar the other day...

I got hammered

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arcadianchef
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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You look like a rusty nail, are you hammered?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/btsGlory
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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She nailed this nail art
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N00B5L4YER
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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I used to file my nails...

But then I thought what’s the point in keeping them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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the NINE LYNCH NAILS
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eh_Grips
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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Im gonna name my son 'the nail'

So i can say 'i hit the nail on the head'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vladturapov
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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I once got my toe nails professionally trimmed. They used a hardened steel tool for smoothing my clipped nails...

In other words, a pedi-file.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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File your nails man
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jebbaok
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
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A man was attacked by a guy with an upholstery nail gun the other day.

He's okay. He's recovered now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crash_86
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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The question was: "How do people with extremely long fake nails properly wipe their butts after pooping? Saw someone struggling to type on their phone today with those bad boys"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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Why will orthodontists and nail salons be the first businesses to reopen?

Because they're fighting tooth and nail for it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilkChocolate2434
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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I need to cut these nails, they are getting out of hand
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikiriki16
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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I hit the nail on the head
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sebarooo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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β€œI need some nails and a hammer”-fiancΓ©

β€˜I have 10 nails but I’d rather not hit them with a hammer.’ -me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nightowl024
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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What did the framer say when he ran out of nails?

Screw it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amossycar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
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My boyfriend had this in his car...it’s a nail file
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raelenerosas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
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I was told to be sure to use the right nails for putting down trim in my house, but I can't find any.

At this point, I'm not even sure Finland makes nails!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keenDean
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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Getting my nails painted
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrollFaceCharlie
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
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I got my nails done for half off today

It was a five finger discount

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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How did Santa build a house at the North Pole without any nails?

iglooed it!

Bonus joke:

And he did it all by his elf!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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I gave my son a simple job: nail down the floorboards.

He screwed up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cobblecloth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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Why the did hammer hit the nail through the wall.

To drive the point across.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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When I went to get my prescription, I gave the tech an empty bottle to recycle or whatever. She said, some people like to keep the bottles to put nails and screws in...

I said I don't have too many loose screws.

She smiled.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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What do the sun and nail polish remover have in common?

They can both make your acetone darker...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MusicmanJosh03
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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My nails are getting too long.

They're growing out of hand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kandyaufman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2016
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I drove over a rusty nail yesterday

I retired since then

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToxianLeader
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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A nail walks into a bar

Bartender asks "what can I get you, sir?"

Nail says "anything that'll get me hammered"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HandsomeTuna14
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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Screws are just nails with a twist. (Repost from r/showerthoughts)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Curlamus_99
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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Got my cats nails clipped today...

Really took the edge off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kenithal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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All fake nails are tacky
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πŸ‘€︎ u/n3rv0u5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
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What do you call a bar of soap that has been pierced by a nail?

Pears soap

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mayteras
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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I need puns about stepping on a nail

My sister went to hospital after stepping on a nail.

I really wanna barrage her with pun after pun when she comes home.

Any help is really appreciated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mojo1999
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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Nail salons closed, Lash salons closed, Hair salons closed, Tan salons an Wax salons too...

... it’s about to get ugly out there

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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My dad gave me a simple job: nail down the floorboards.

I screwed up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cobblecloth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report

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