I couldn't find the words to thank her.
She said," i gave you the present ".
And my dad replied, "Ruff!"
I liked it but everyone else groaned
That was when I realized he was her favorite twin, not me.
http://imgur.com/a/1qKYz
Her: Can you believe he's going to be 60? How did I marry such an old man?
Me: Well, I mean, aren't you gonna...
Her: What, are you going to say in 2 years I'll be 60 too?
Dad: Well no dear that's not right. In 2 years you'll be 60, in 4 years you'll be 62.
Everyone groans, I chuckle as I reach for my phone. So proud of the old-timer.
Me: Mom, are we going anywhere for your 50th since its the big one.
Mom: hmm havent really thought about.
Dad: Hawaii
Me: ah, why Hawaii?
Dad: Because it'll be Hawaii five-0
For starters my mom is 5'2
"You should run for public office. Even got the slogan ready to go. Vote for (Mom's first name) don't get caught short!"
Cue shit eating grin
As we're driving, he complains about how dirty my mom's old Escalade's windshield is and he can barely see through. I try to be a smart ass.
Me: Maybe it's the cataracts.
Dad: We're in a Cataract Escalade.
We all got a giggle.
For about 3 years it has been my moms 39th birthday, so my dads response was buying a huge banner that said "Happy 3rd annual 39th birthday"
Me: hey can you sneakily check and see what size shoe mom wears? Dad: shoer
So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, “You and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, “You can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”
Scene: Dinner for my mom's birthday at a very nice (expensive) restaurant.
Waitress: Your steak comes with a choice of the vegetable of the day or a twice baked potato.
Me: Are twice baked potatoes and refried beans prepared similar ways or is that just a naming coincidence?
W: Laughing Oh my God. Our bartender and I were just talking about funny "dad jokes" on reddit! I didn't expect to hear one in person. Do you use reddit?
M: Umm... Yeah... I actually follow r/dadjokes but I'm not a dad and
W: You should post that joke there!
I have no idea if she will see this but my wife said I had to let everyone know about a redditor interaction. I hope she does because the food was awesome and she was a fantastic waitress beyond being a fellow redditor.
I still have no idea if twice baked potatoes and refried beans have any link...
Lol, on last year's Valentine's day my best friend had got mad at me for not asking my crush out.
We'd planned on going to McDonald's together because he didn't have a date either. When I arrived at McDonald's this f*cker was holding a cardboard box with a terrified look and when he saw me he immediately gave me the box and told me he'd already bought the food and that we better take the bus to my place. I just thought he probably was joking or something because the box didn't even have any kind of decoration, it even had a chips brand printed on it, but as we got to the bus and sat I felt something moving inside, I thought maybe it was a puppy or something, but why did he look scared of it?
So, we get to my house, I go to my backyard, where my then 7yo beagle was and I open the box. I could only see a black blur flying out of it and then heard my best friend scream. It was a rooster. He's terrified of birds. And weirdest of all it was a fully grown rooster but he was super tiny, like 10 inches tall tiny.
I asked him wtf was going on and he just kinda hid behind the backyard door and said "I bought it so that you could get some cock tonight". I always make puns and he hates them, I was speechless. So long story short I now own 6 chickens and 4 roosters (my mom got super mad at him for buying the rooster, but then she got super attached and bought him a chicken, when she laid eggs she let them hatch, the rooster's name is Enrique btw, my mom even made him a birthday party and all last week, lol)
She was telling me her plans for next weekend:
Sister: "... Then I'm going to Neil's surprise 30th birthday"
Me: "Why is it a surprise? Doesn't he know he's turning 30?"
At least my mom cracked up :D
Mom's Text to Dad - "My phone says it will be 95 on Saturday. I don't know what to do."
...
Dad's Reply - "Wish it a Happy Birthday."
I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.
I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, “Do you want a lift”. “No thanks”, they replied, “We’re Walkers”.
I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all £5 apart from one that was £10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said “that’s maderia cake”.
Bought some cream, it said “store in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.
Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.
A man says “I keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says “I’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.
I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden
What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.
Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.
The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.
Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.
You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.
Mexican candy makes my taste buds say “OLE!”
FORGET LOVE… I’
... keep reading on reddit ➡My parents planned to visit for dinner for my birthday. My university is about 45 minutes away from home. Mom and I chatted on the phone over the weekend, but tonight at dinner my mom again mentioned:
mom: "your brother had his friends stay overnight this weekend!"
me: "yes I heard."
dad: "wow, they were that loud?"
My parents have been traveling the world and my Mom bought my Dad a big world map (in a frame) for his birthday. It comes with tacks that you stick into the countries you have visited. Once they put the tacks in I dropped this.
Me: Isn't it funny how every country you have visited is now "under attack"?
My Mom glared at me and it took my Dad a couple seconds. He giggled and gave me that "I'm laughing but you know that was terrible" look.
I went skydiving for my birthday a handful of years back. Decided to call my mom to tell her what I had just done after I landed. Here is the phone call.
Me- Hey mom guess what I just did? I just jumped out of a plane.
Her- Really? (To my dad) Your son just jumped out of plane.
Him - Why? Was it broken?
So my family is French and we also speak English.
Basically, every birthday, my mom would say she got me cash for my birthday. (cache, which is pronounced like cash, means to hide, in French). My dad would then say, in French, "Ohhhh, cash! I thought you said cache! I hid it last week and I cant find it!"
My parents are both immigrants from Taiwan and came in the mid 80's. We've always owned restaurants (currently have a Japanese steak house this is important for later) so their English isn't all that bad and has improved over time. I've never gotten a single dad joke from him. Ever.
Que yesterday we are driving home from a family dinner to celebrate his birthday. We all get into the vehicle and my mom says in Chinese "You've got something hanging onto your shirt, it looks stringy. Is that a spider web?"
I respond, "What? That's his pet, he can't raise a pet spider?"
Dad says, "Yeah I raise them really big and fat so we can make spider rolls at the restaurant." (Spider roll is typically softshell crab in a roll with other stuffs for the non-sushi fans out there)
I groaned, chuckled, then reveled in all that was my first dad joke. It was awesome. Thanks for reading guys! Sorry it's so long.
It's my mom's birthday.
Mom asks my dad for help on something.
Dad (talking to the room): She must think it's her birthday or something!
my dad was telling me about my brother's new Sony Smartwatch when my mom said: "the problem is, Sarah (brother's girlfriend) bought him a beautiful expensive watch for his birthday, and guess which one he wants to wear? Not the one he should be wearing!"
Dad: He's double timing her
Last night we were celebrating my mom's birthday, and as we talked while playing loteria, my dad was speaking about someone and how nice he was and said "Es que tiene la sangre liviana", so I repplied "how do you know? have you weighed it?". Weirdly, everybody (except my dad) started laughing.
Reference: "Tiene la sangre liviana" literally means "He/she has light (weight) blood" , figuratively means "he/she's easy going".
I remember this one from my toddler years. My b-day is June 14, which happens to be the unknown holiday called Flag Day.
Me: "Daddy, guess what day it is?"
Dad: "Oh, is it the 14^th already? Happy Flag Day son!"
I would get really upset at him every year for that one until I started to get the joke. Alternatively, my mom's birthday happens to be December 25. So you can imagine:
Mom: "Merry Christmas, honey!"
Dad: "Christmas? Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought it was your birthday!"
I'm at my buddy's parent's house last night for his little birthday shindig with some friends. His mom is there and, while she's super sweet, she tends to find compliments for everything even if they're not needed.
His mom gets to talking to one of our friends about how the friend works at a bookstore downtown which happens to be a two storey building.
Friend's mom: "Oh, you work at Barnes and Noble? It must be nice to work there. It's such a building. It's so nice that it has two storeys."
Me: "I'm pretty sure there's a lot more than two stories in there..."
Happy Birthday from Columbus. Cathy (my mom) made you cookies. I ate them for you. Think of it as a slimming birthday present from your waist line to my belly! Your welcome! Happy 21st.
I went to Cabo earlier this year with my girlfriend and her entire family. It was for her dad's 50th birthday. The two grandfathers were taking pictures, with their iPads, all week long. On our way back home waiting in the Airport terminal the grandfathers were off taking pictures of the plane we were about to board.
Girlfriend's step-mom: "Seriously!? Do they have to take pictures of everything?"
Me: "Well yeah, they're the paparazzi."
Groans all around. My girlfriend's father staring at me and clapping says, "I'll never be able to top that."
It's my mother's birthday today.
Me: Hey Dad, I got cards for me and [brother] so you don't have to buy us any.
Dad: I got one for mom lol.
For my 18th birthday my mom bought me a money origami kit so that I could learn how to "manage my money"...
Me: Happy Birthday Dad, how old are you now? 29? 30?
Dad: I must be 18 because your mom keeps telling me to grow up
Groan...
For my mom's birthday my husband and I got her some fish for her new fish aquarium.
A few months go by and she sadly tells me, "We lost one of your fish."
Of course, my dad has to chime in, "it's alright though, we found it. It was just dead."
My dad just pulled a good one.
Visiting my parents (who live ~2hrs away from me) today, and discussing my mom's upcoming birthday. She's trying to decide what to have for dinner. My dad pipes up, reminding her of the fact that she had mentioned having pie for dinner. She reminds him that making a good crust is very difficult, and she wasn't about to make her own pie for her birthday.
My dad pauses and looks at us.
"So I guess you could say I was uncrustworthy . . . "
facepalmpicard.jpg
My sister and I took my parents and uncle out to a nice restaurant for my mom's birthday tonight.
My dad and uncle ordered a bottle of wine. At the end of dinner, my sister exclaimed "You guys finished the entire bottle?!"
My dad looked confused and held up the bottle, saying "What do you mean? It's right here."
I recently got an electric violin and an amp for my birthday and my sister in law was asking my mom how I liked it. Mom replied with, "She loves it, she's pretty amped about it."
I was in the other room giggling. So proud of her.
He was just finishing eating some of his mom's leftover birthday cake and his dad asked, ”do you want some milk to wash that cake down?”
”sure”
Dad hand him a cup of milk which he promptly dumps onto his plate and starts scrubbing.
Another one: my brother had just finished unloading the dishwasher and his son starts clappingmand says, ”good job daddy, I'm so proud of you, you unloaded the dish washer all by yourself!”
My brother accused me of reading Calvin and Hobbes to him on the sly when he told his son it was bath time and he started licking himself and said, "I'll just lick myself, that's what tigers do."
My cousin promised his mom (my aunt) Chanel No. 5 for her birthday. My dad said "Why bother? Next year they'll already have Chanel No. 6!"
I went to a Korean BBQ restaurant today to celebrate my birthday, and one of the things this restaurant is known for is bringing out a lot of side dishes. Like 20 of them, to the point that there's no way we could finish it all.
So after we eat the manager comes around and asks how we liked the food.
>Dad: The food was really good, but I have a problem with the side dishes
>Manager: Oh no, I'm so sorry, what was the problem?
>Dad: There weren't enough of them, the selection was too small!!
At this point he starts doing the dad laugh, but the manager still didn't realize he was kidding, so my mom had to butt in and say it was wonderful. Hope we didn't offend or anything -.-
Went to a Japanese restaurant for mom's birthday. Dad was at the table, but I'm the son in this situation. It was my first time trying sushi rolls. Waiter came by as we were finishing our meals....
Waiter: "Finishing up our sushi here?"
Me: "Yeah, we're wrapping up"
I couldn’t find the words to thank her.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
