I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey died last week.
Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.
Last night I ate a clock
It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went back for seconds.
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
Last night I accidentally superglued my thumb and forefinger together...
But don’t worry...it will be ok. 👌🏻
Someone stole the toilet at the police station last night
Cops have nothing to go on
I went to one of those new cannibal themed restaurant last night...
Last night I dreamt I was in a swordfight with a knight, and he cut off the bottom part of my legs.
My urologist and I kept joking around during my last visit.
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy
I don't mind foreign dishes, for example we ate some halal food last week
I think they called it Allah carte
What did the shoe say when he was the last one left alive?
“I guess I’m the sole survivor”
I robbed a kitchen utensils shop last night...
To make it big, you gotta take some whisks.
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
So I was laying in bed last night, looking up at the stars.
Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?
Dentists always ask dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”
I was up all of last night, trying to find my keys
I found this beauty last year in the random crap aisle of a store.
Someone threw a piece of a brick through my window last night
The police aren’t helping because there isn’t enough concrete evidence.
I took Binary 101 last semester, but failed it miserably.
Turns out it was a level 5 course.
I accidentally butt dialed my ex last night.
I swear it’s the only booty call I’ve ever made.
Last month I launched a book aimed at children.
I’m pleased to say I hit one of them
One of my fathers last wishes was to have his ashes pressed into a record....
It was his vinyl request.
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night
I had to reprimand my son for cutting up his dumplings at the Chinese restaurant last night.
I can't condone such wonton acts of destruction.
The last thing my grandfather told me was “It’s worth spending money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night
First last time I made a kichen counter it was too small
Sinds then I have started to take countermeasures to avoid that
Edit: ignore the "last" I messed it up...
How long does a dad joke last?
Last week I went to the gym almost every day ...
... almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday ...
Yup I quit cold turkey last month.
Warmed in the microwave is so much better.
Someone stole the harnesses at the canine facility last night...
Last Thursday my son was moping around and I told him, if you think Thursdays are sad, just wait two more days. He asked why?
Because it'll be sadder day.
As my daughter opened her last gift on Christmas morning with a sad look in her eyes...
I said: “If you think that’s the end, you’ve got another thing coming!”
Last night a thief broke into the shoe factory.
He was the sole perpetrator.
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits the windshield?
A man is being taken to the gallows for his execution. The executioner asked if he had any last requests, and he asked for a high five.
The executioner left him hanging.
I play Chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said " let's make this interesting "...
..so we stopped and went home.
Late last night Mr Peanut was walking home through a bad neighborhood
I have been informed he was a-salted.
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was not worth the trip.
I’ve decided at long last to become a plumber. I’m going to take the plunge.
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
Dentists always ask dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”
The last thing my grandfather told me was “It is worth spending money on good speakers.”
I had a dream I was a muffler last night.
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