Lapped Puns

A Laprador

Tomorrow I might go in.

He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, “what gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

“You keep out of this! She yells, “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

Now my undies are Thai tea whiteys.

It's called Parking Son's disease.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.

Finally a turn in the right direction.

Intermittent fasting

Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.

"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."

"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."

The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."

I can’t count on anyone

I am so glad to get this promotion to become the chair man of the bored.

She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.

"Donald Trump is going to make America grate again."

It's my thirty-second birthday.

Lapland.

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."

Judge: "ok.... then? "

Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."

Judge: "what?"

Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"

But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha

My friend: Well you've always been a crumby person.

YAR!!! IM DRIVING ME NUTS!!!!!

She has teacups

I was up all night.

What an embarrassing four paw (faux pas) that was!

The outside.

Dad: What are you feeding that thing for?! Don't you know that it will grow on its own?

Unfortunately, I'm Lap toes intolerant.

We're in the middle of moving and i just got my bookshelves all set up. Unfortunately, there isn't enough space in one single room for them all (I've got too many, like addiction level). My wife brings up that the author 'B' section probably has the most books. I'm pretty sure it's 'S' names. Then she unleashes, "That makes sense, because it's just a bunch of b.s." Golf clap.

Asked them if someone was sitting in the chair next to them and the dad says "no." So I sit down and with a huge smile the little girl says "now someone is sitting there!" The cutest.

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.

I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.

But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.

With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and proposed to them both (on separate nights, of course) and they both said no. In fact, though they never knew of each other, I went from two good things to both of them not returning my calls. I guess proposing in a mall food court (for Jenny) or down on my knees in front of the bathroom at a minor league baseball game (Susan) were not my best laid plans, doomed to fail. Or maybe I just reeked of desperation.

So the morning of my birthday, I was practically in tears, deep in depression as I knew I missed my deadline. But my friends came though, kind of. They took me out bar hopping and then we all went back to my place where they had a stripper waiting in my favorite chair. She got up, sat me down, and gave me a grinding lap dance. She said nothing, but after a minute, stopped, turned around, looked me in the eye and said "one." Then she started up again, stopped after a minute, turned around and said "two..."

This went on all night until she got to "forty."

It's been a few months now, and I'm not too sad. My friends really tried to get me married, and after two near mrs, I guess it was the thot that counts.

Are you have a crisis?

It was heartbreaking, she was working at her second job. It’s depressing that teachers are so underpaid and unappreciated. So I gave her an extra $50 for the lap dance.

Dad: What's his name, Niki...?

Me: Lauda

Dad: WHAT'S HIS NAME, NIKI...?

Sometimes I'll say it first and this has been going on for about 20 years.

The farmer sits on his porch with his shotgun across his lap.

The first boy arrives and says, "Evening sir, my name is Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

The farmer looks the boy over, and says "sure sure, go on in"

The second boy arrives, and says, "Howdy sir, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she ready to go?"

The farmer looks down at his shotgun, then back at Joe, and says "sure sure, go on in, she's ready"

The third boy arrives, and says, "Good evening sir, my name is Chuck..." KER-BLAM!

Rap

First time joke. What do you call a Palestinian lap dancer? A Gaza Stripper.

This voluptius Asian came over and I asked for a lap dance.While she was doing her thing,I asked her,"What nationality are you?"

She replied,"I'm half black and half Thai.

I then said,"Oh,I didn't realize this was a Black Tie affair.

Edit: True story.

http://i.imgur.com/fG7lAT2.png

As we were driving one day, I saw a fat guy on the sidwalk and said, "Wow, what a fatass. That's awful."

My dad responded, "That's not nice, son. You never know what someone's situation might be. I know that guy, and he happens to have Dunlap Syndrome."

"Dunlap Syndrome?" I ask, feeling thoroughly shitty.

"Yeah. His belly done lapped over his belt!"

But doing a full lap around the sun makes my year

Your lap.

/I'll show myself out

Once you pass the last Lap, you're at the Finnish line.

I'll show myself out...

My first son was just born two days ago, still in hospital with him and this exchange went down while he was on my lap:

Gfs brother: "The suns getting real low, <gfs name>"

Gf: "The suns gone at this point honestly"

Me: "Nawh, he's right here!"

It got a good reaction!

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

It is called Parking Son's disease.

"Donald Trump is going to make America grate again."