What do you call a dog that likes laps?

A Laprador

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpookyGhost_txt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I did a few laps around the gym today.

Tomorrow I might go in.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Damander
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on the lap.

He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, β€œwhat gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. β€œWhat does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

β€œYou keep out of this! She yells, β€œI’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
NASCAR bans the confederate flag?

Finally a turn in the right direction.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mattzlo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I spilled Thai tea on my lap....

Now my undies are Thai tea whiteys.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fulloftrivia
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.

It's called Parking Son's disease.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unlucky_genius
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
🚨︎ report
A man decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse, and goes to a local breeder

Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.

"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."

"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."

The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."

πŸ‘︎ 265
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you run a lap, walk a lap, run a lap, walk a lap?

Intermittent fasting

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Growing up I couldn’t do math unless I was sitting in someone’s lap. When I was younger it was never a problem finding someone that would let me sit on their lap, but now that I’m older...

I can’t count on anyone

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spunkards97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter jumped onto my lap and proclaimed "Daddy, I'm bored."

I am so glad to get this promotion to become the chair man of the bored.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...

She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tc_lion0
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A tap dancing career is one L away from a lap dancing career...
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spruitt1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."

Judge: "ok.... then? "

Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."

Judge: "what?"

Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
"Stock up!" my dad said, tossing a bag of shredded cheese onto my lap.

"Donald Trump is going to make America grate again."

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nroak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Where did lap dogs originate?

Lapland.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snuggeybug
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied β€œbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...

But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirTurkTurkelton
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the pirate say when he has a steering wheel in his lap?

YAR!!! IM DRIVING ME NUTS!!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MBStage101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Eating toast at a restaurant when I realize all the crumbs on my lap.

My friend: Well you've always been a crumby person.

πŸ‘︎ 101
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/audrey_plaza
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Did you know that the queen of England has the largest breasts of the world?

She has teacups

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grobtheweirdo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I spilled coffee on my lap

I was up all night.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wheezy360
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2016
🚨︎ report
The cat jumped into my lap tonight and I told my wife that it has a favorite side to be pet on.

The outside.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/one_mississippi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2016
🚨︎ report
I once dated a woman from Finland with a foot fetish.

Unfortunately, I'm Lap toes intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Upstagestu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Girlfriends brother drops food on his lap at the dinner table

Dad: What are you feeding that thing for?! Don't you know that it will grow on its own?

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Deezymyneezy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2015
🚨︎ report
Wife dropped this one in my lap today.

We're in the middle of moving and i just got my bookshelves all set up. Unfortunately, there isn't enough space in one single room for them all (I've got too many, like addiction level). My wife brings up that the author 'B' section probably has the most books. I'm pretty sure it's 'S' names. Then she unleashes, "That makes sense, because it's just a bunch of b.s." Golf clap.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Totep
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Just got dad joked by a 4 year old sitting on her dad's lap

Asked them if someone was sitting in the chair next to them and the dad says "no." So I sit down and with a huge smile the little girl says "now someone is sitting there!" The cutest.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rand0mstuf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2013
🚨︎ report
All year, I've been telling my friends I just want to meet someone, fall in love be married by my next birthday...

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.

I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.

But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.

With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and proposed to them both (on separate nights, of course) and they both said no. In fact, though they never knew of each other, I went from two good things to both of them not returning my calls. I guess proposing in a mall food court (for Jenny) or down on my knees in front of the bathroom at a minor league baseball game (Susan) were not my best laid plans, doomed to fail. Or maybe I just reeked of desperation.

So the morning of my birthday, I was practically in tears, deep in depression as I knew I missed my deadline. But my friends came though, kind of. They took me out bar hopping and then we all went back to my place where they had a stripper waiting in my favorite chair. She got up, sat me down, and gave me a grinding lap dance. She said nothing, but after a minute, stopped, turned around, looked me in the eye and said "one." Then she started up again, stopped after a minute, turned around and said "two..."

This went on all night until she got to "forty."

It's been a few months now, and I'm not too sad. My friends really tried to get me married, and after two near mrs, I guess it was the thot that counts.

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you say to your sister when she is crying?

Are you have a crisis?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fl1ppp3rs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I ran into my kid’s teacher outside of school today.

It was heartbreaking, she was working at her second job. It’s depressing that teachers are so underpaid and unappreciated. So I gave her an extra $50 for the lap dance.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Every. Single. Grand Prix.

Dad: What's his name, Niki...?

Me: Lauda

Dad: WHAT'S HIS NAME, NIKI...?

Sometimes I'll say it first and this has been going on for about 20 years.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TemperRory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joke #1

First time joke. What do you call a Palestinian lap dancer? A Gaza Stripper.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mdillon1313
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A Farmer has three daughters and each has a date on the same night.

The farmer sits on his porch with his shotgun across his lap.

The first boy arrives and says, "Evening sir, my name is Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

The farmer looks the boy over, and says "sure sure, go on in"

The second boy arrives, and says, "Howdy sir, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she ready to go?"

The farmer looks down at his shotgun, then back at Joe, and says "sure sure, go on in, she's ready"

The third boy arrives, and says, "Good evening sir, my name is Chuck..." KER-BLAM!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iamkeerock
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call Japanese Rap?

Rap

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoodlethehoodle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I was at a gentlemans club in Las vegas...

This voluptius Asian came over and I asked for a lap dance.While she was doing her thing,I asked her,"What nationality are you?"

She replied,"I'm half black and half Thai.

I then said,"Oh,I didn't realize this was a Black Tie affair.

Edit: True story.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad just wants my brother to cut the grass.

http://i.imgur.com/fG7lAT2.png

πŸ‘︎ 871
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kevinjamesfan69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2014
🚨︎ report
The earth doing a full rotation really makes my day

But doing a full lap around the sun makes my year

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spudzzy03
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What disappears every time you stand up?

Your lap.

/I'll show myself out

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Plazman888
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I just delivered my first of many dad jokes!

My first son was just born two days ago, still in hospital with him and this exchange went down while he was on my lap:

Gfs brother: "The suns getting real low, <gfs name>"

Gf: "The suns gone at this point honestly"

Me: "Nawh, he's right here!"

It got a good reaction!

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pistolpetematty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Without any natural border, how can you tell when you're in Finland, and when you're in Lapland?

Once you pass the last Lap, you're at the Finnish line.

I'll show myself out...

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EJayDoubleU
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2014
🚨︎ report
When I reach home, my youngest son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it while making car sounds. His cute antics always make me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease.

It is called Parking Son's disease.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
"Stock up!" said my dad as he tossed a bag of shredded cheese onto my lap.

"Donald Trump is going to make America grate again."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nroak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2016
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.