Podium Puns

Dad: "Wrong, son. He was just taking a political stand."

The guy was really taking a stand!!

That’s a product I can stand behind.

That’s a product I can stand behind.

They’re just for deck oration.

and he always stood behind his product

It's called "Hannibal Lectern."

Whoops, a dais!

A woman is at her husband’s funeral, and asks some friends of her late husband up to the podium to say some things honouring him.

Man 1 walks up to the podium, and says one word: “Plethora.” He steps down and walks by the widow, who says: “Thanks; that means a lot.”

Man 2 now goes up to the podium, and says “Bargain.” Then, as he leaves the podium and walks by the widow, she whispers to him: “Thanks; that means a great deal.”

The man sitting next to her asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "Absolutely", she responds. So the man walks up to the podium and clears his throat. "Plethora" he says. Then he comes and sits back down. "Thank you", the woman says. "That means a lot."

I woudn't want to climb up the podium

So there's this funeral, and the widow asks if anyone would like to say anything.

A man stands up and say: "I'd like to say a word."

The widow nods and the man takes the podium.

He says, "Plethora." and goes back to his seat.

The widow says: "Thank you, that means a lot."

I would probably come in fourth, so that I don’t have to walk to the podium.

So I was hanging out with friends and they told me about this movie Rubber. It's a movie about a tire that goes around and kills people. I had never heard of it so I asked if the tire won any awards because it would be funny to see them roll out a tire to a podium. My buddy across the table says "Yeah, it had a pretty Goodyear."

What is a Vampire favorite fruit?

• Neckterines

What kind of dogs do Vampires like best?

• Blood hounds

How does a ghost cry?

• Boo Hoo

What does a skeleton always say before he eats?

• Bone Appetite

What kind of key should you always take to a haunted house?

• Skeleton Key

Why do Vampires need mouthwash?

• Because they have bat breath

What kinds of street do Zombies like?

• Dead ends.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

• Frost Bite

What did the black cat call the mouse on roller skates?

• Meals on wheels

What does a vampire never at a restaurant?

• A stake sandwich

What is it like to be kissed by a vampire?

• It's a pain in the neck.

Why did the witch stand in front of the podium?

• To give a Screech

What does a ghosts have for dessert?

• I-Scream

What is a skeletons favorite instrument?

• A trombone

What kind of dog does a mad scientist have?

• A Lab

Be honest, how many did you get? What is your dad score?

EDIT: can't get spoiler tags to work...

Step mom: "Wow, he swept the podium!" Dad: "Yeah, the guys who were up there before him made a huge mess."

Now that’s a product I can stand behind

It’s a product I can stand behind,