Two potatoes are standing on the street corner. How do you know which one’s a prostitute?
The one with the stickers that says IDAHO 😂
What do you call Walt Disney standing on a frozen lake?
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
So two wind turbines are standing in a field when one asks the other ‘what kind of music do you like?’
The second replies ‘I’m a big metal fan’
Courtesy of my 10 year old!
What do you call Alex standing between two wheels?
I was standing in line waiting to have my hair cut, when I noticed that no one had started a fire yet.
I thought, "This is a shit barber queue."
I remember standing in solitude, at the end of the long landing overlooking the Pacific Ocean - this disembodied voice was urging me to jump, so I did...
I never could stand up to pier pressure.
I have a picture with me standing and solar panels in the background. Please suggest something punny.
Prince Phillip is standing next to DMX in line for St. Peter, he's says "50?"
DMX respond "naw dawg that's a different rapper"
What did the footballer's girlfriend think when she saw him standing between some goal posts?
What do you call a flamingo that is standing still?
I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She smiled and answered...
Jim Morrison was standing in front of the television as a child, blocking his father's view of the game.
His father shouted, "Jim! You make a better Door than a window!"
I was standing at the urinals
when a fella stepped up to the short one next to me and said, “I’ve never seen one of these so low!” To which I replied, “and you can finally pee in comfort, right?”
What do you call a woman standing between 2 goal posts?
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
What do you call four bullfighters standing in quicksand?
Me: Hey, Dad, is that a man standing next to an igloo over there?
Dad: It's just an Aleutian.
When you see cows standing in a field, they are good cows.
They are outstanding in their field.
What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs standing in the windowsill?
A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.
One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.
"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.
A man was caught stealing at a supermarket today while standing on the shoulders of a couple of vampires
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir.Is the bar tender here?"
A physicist sees a guy standing on the edge of a rooftop
He immediately shouts: Don't do it! You have so much potential!
Why was the elephant standing on a marshmallow?
So it wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
(Joke from my dad has been telling since the 80s.)
Have you ever eaten under a standing table?
would be pretty under stand table.
Standing firm for family values
Two cows are standing in a field...
Cow 1: are you worried about getting mad cow disease?
Cow 2: of course not... I’m not a cow!
I needed to get some silverware for dinner and my wife was standing in front of the drawer. So I sang this to her:
🎶"Give me three forks,
Give me three forks sweetie,
Give me three forks from the drawer.
Give me three forks,
Give me three forks baby,
And I won't ask you for four." 🎵
My mom needed help standing up after cleaning the bathroom, so she asked my dad for a hand.
He started clapping.
(Obligatory: actually happened today, my mom messaged me to complain about his bad joke. I thought it was fucking hilarious.)
What's the best vegetable at standing in a line?
Hear the joke about a bunch of fat tourists standing in a queue?
It's got a terrible paunch line.
Saw a guy standing outside for hours yesterday. I asked “Are you okay?” He said...
You should always try and solve your problems while standing...
Cause it helps you think on your feet.
Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm..one turns to the other and says “what’s your favorite kind of music?”
He replied “I’m a big metal fan!”
these two wind turbines were standing in the field talking. one says to the other, "what kind of music do you like?" the reply...
Two wind turbines are standing in a field and one asks the other ‘what kind of music do you like?’
The other replies ‘Well, I’m a big metal fan.’
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach.
Ha! That’s not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. Its the only way I can see the numbers.
Standing at the park today wondering why does a frisbee appears larger the closer it gets..
And then it hit me!
I didn't see that one coming
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