What do you call a dinosaur who is easy to clean, heat resistant and long lasting?
py-rex
I'll get my coat...
π︎ 445
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
I still experience long-lasting psychological effects from having a childhood friend that took offense at everything I did.
My doctor calls it Irritable Pal Syndrome.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
I try to make a lasting impression upon people when I ride the subway...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 20 2019
A lasting relationship with someone bright might not work out.
But an on-off relationship would be perfect for them.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 18 2018
Someone told me Trumps last order as president is to outlaw shredded cheese.
Hmm guess he wants to make America grate again π€
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. Sheβs a keeper.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 04 2020
Last night I had a dream that I ate a 50 lb marshmallow.
This morning I woke up and my pillow was gone.
Today is the 13th anniversary of my father passing and this was my favorite joke that he used to tell. Enjoy.
π︎ 253
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey died last week.
Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
Last night my wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl...
I said, "I didn't know he could!"
π︎ 80
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
Last week I tried an all banana diet.
I didnβt find it very appealing.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
I tried renting a bounce house yesterday. The cost was twice as much as last year...
Thatβs inflation for you!
π︎ 58
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
I got to meet the tallest man in the world last week.
I was disappointed by how he looked down on everyone else.
π︎ 54
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
The Last Sucka.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
Last night I ate a clock
It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went back for seconds.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
From my 7 yr just now: Dad, last night I dreamed I was swimming in orange soda.
Turns out it was just a Fanta-sea.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
Last night I accidentally superglued my thumb and forefinger together...
But donβt worry...it will be ok. ππ»
π︎ 537
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
My relationship with the woman I met bungee jumping didn't last long.
As we were both on the rebound.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
The best way to make your pants last
Is to make your shirt first
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
π︎ 123
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
π︎ 59
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
Someone stole the toilet at the police station last night
Cops have nothing to go on
π︎ 198
π
︎ Nov 24 2020
I was playing a zombie game last night, and sliced off the left side of a zombie
It scared my wife pretty bad.
I assured her heβs all right.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
We really should have expected last year's pandemic.
But then, hindsight is 2020.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
Last week, someone went into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Like seriously, how low can you go?
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
Last night as I lay in bed staring at the stars I thought to myself
Where the heck is the ceiling?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
I went to the liquor store last night...
And the owner asked me if I needed any help.
"Yes" I responded, "But I'll have a bottle of whiskey instead".
π︎ 36
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
Why did Led Zeppelin have record sales in China last year.
Because the government declared a rock down.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
I lost my pizza cutter last night...
so I used my Bryan Adams CD, it cuts like a knife
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
My wife and I watched 3 movies back to back last night.
Luckily I was the one facing the screen.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
I failed my medical school entrance exam last week, thanks to nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
Last night I was dreaming I was swing in a ocean of Fanta...
but turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
I won a $1million in the lottery last night and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have 999.999.75 left.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
I used a performance enhancer in the bedroom with my wife last night.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
I went to one of those new cannibal themed restaurant last night...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
Last night, taking a walk on the beach... Came across a police car stuck in the sand about 3 feet from the water...I asked the driver what happened...
He said the police were expecting a crime wave
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
whats the difference between lst and last?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
Last night I dreamt I was in a swordfight with a knight, and he cut off the bottom part of my legs.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy
π︎ 39
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
I asked the barber to replace most of what the last barber did, make it three times longer, and give it three parts.
He said βoh, you want the Snyder Cutβ.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
I asked my hiker buddy about where his last adventure was, but he couldn't answer me.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
I don't mind foreign dishes, for example we ate some halal food last week
I think they called it Allah carte
π︎ 39
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
My urologist and I kept joking around during my last visit.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
What did the shoe say when he was the last one left alive?
βI guess Iβm the sole survivorβ
π︎ 39
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
Last year wasn't much fun having a broken neck injury..
.. but at least now, I can look back and laugh.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: βOh kitty, what are you doing?β
Me: βI think sheβs fishing.β
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didnβt groan, roll her eyes, or whine βDaaaadβ.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
I gave the cat a bath last week..
I still can't taste anything
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
π︎ 368
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
Sometimes, I stop and reflect on last year.
As they say, hindsight is 2020.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
