What do you call a dinosaur who is easy to clean, heat resistant and long lasting?

py-rex

I'll get my coat...

πŸ‘︎ 445
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πŸ‘€︎ u/byte_marx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I still experience long-lasting psychological effects from having a childhood friend that took offense at everything I did.

My doctor calls it Irritable Pal Syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourLocalCreep
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I try to make a lasting impression upon people when I ride the subway...

I enter with stile.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A lasting relationship with someone bright might not work out.

But an on-off relationship would be perfect for them.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CritBit1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Someone told me Trumps last order as president is to outlaw shredded cheese.

Hmm guess he wants to make America grate again πŸ€”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo

It was great. She’s a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night I had a dream that I ate a 50 lb marshmallow.

This morning I woke up and my pillow was gone.

Today is the 13th anniversary of my father passing and this was my favorite joke that he used to tell. Enjoy.

πŸ‘︎ 253
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πŸ‘€︎ u/james-macavoy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey died last week.

Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealerBrogan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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Last night my wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl...

I said, "I didn't know he could!"

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kahnartist81
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Last week I tried an all banana diet.

I didn’t find it very appealing.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mconion
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lovina9
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I tried renting a bounce house yesterday. The cost was twice as much as last year...

That’s inflation for you!

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scottspears89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I got to meet the tallest man in the world last week.

I was disappointed by how he looked down on everyone else.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourLocalCreep
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...

The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobbylake71
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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The Last Sucka.
πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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Last night I ate a clock

It was very time consuming.

Especially when I went back for seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ethereal_sandwich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
From my 7 yr just now: Dad, last night I dreamed I was swimming in orange soda.

Turns out it was just a Fanta-sea.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night I accidentally superglued my thumb and forefinger together...

But don’t worry...it will be ok. πŸ‘ŒπŸ»

πŸ‘︎ 537
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My relationship with the woman I met bungee jumping didn't last long.

As we were both on the rebound.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
The best way to make your pants last

Is to make your shirt first

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg.

πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVengefulKitten
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone stole the toilet at the police station last night

Cops have nothing to go on

πŸ‘︎ 198
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was playing a zombie game last night, and sliced off the left side of a zombie

It scared my wife pretty bad.

I assured her he’s all right.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PapaBear1718
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
We really should have expected last year's pandemic.

But then, hindsight is 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Harkonan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Last week, someone went into my garage and stole my limbo stick

Like seriously, how low can you go?

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DevilRyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night as I lay in bed staring at the stars I thought to myself

Where the heck is the ceiling?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to the liquor store last night...

And the owner asked me if I needed any help.

"Yes" I responded, "But I'll have a bottle of whiskey instead".

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irsh94
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did Led Zeppelin have record sales in China last year.

Because the government declared a rock down.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grahamdv
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I lost my pizza cutter last night...

so I used my Bryan Adams CD, it cuts like a knife

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife and I watched 3 movies back to back last night.

Luckily I was the one facing the screen.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deedubya8
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I failed my medical school entrance exam last week, thanks to nerves.

The correct answer was blood vessels.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night I was dreaming I was swing in a ocean of Fanta...

but turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WWG_Genius
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I won a $1million in the lottery last night and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have 999.999.75 left.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I used a performance enhancer in the bedroom with my wife last night.

I wore a blindfold.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to one of those new cannibal themed restaurant last night...

It was $50 per head.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night, taking a walk on the beach... Came across a police car stuck in the sand about 3 feet from the water...I asked the driver what happened...

He said the police were expecting a crime wave

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OrangeJeepWdw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
whats the difference between lst and last?

a

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soggycommunist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night I dreamt I was in a swordfight with a knight, and he cut off the bottom part of my legs.

Sadly I was defeated.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiltebeest
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy

How low can you go?

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked the barber to replace most of what the last barber did, make it three times longer, and give it three parts.

He said β€œoh, you want the Snyder Cut”.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my hiker buddy about where his last adventure was, but he couldn't answer me.

He just trailed off.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I don't mind foreign dishes, for example we ate some halal food last week

I think they called it Allah carte

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ledgerdemaine
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My urologist and I kept joking around during my last visit.

Finally he cut it out.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the shoe say when he was the last one left alive?

β€œI guess I’m the sole survivor”

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hungry-Hippo_3124
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...

Hindsight is 2020!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Last year wasn't much fun having a broken neck injury..

.. but at least now, I can look back and laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night

And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.

15/f daughter: β€˜Oh kitty, what are you doing?’

Me: β€˜I think she’s fishing.’


Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine β€˜Daaaad’.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KravMata
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I gave the cat a bath last week..

I still can't taste anything

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danspud69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg.

πŸ‘︎ 368
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YostYost
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Sometimes, I stop and reflect on last year.

As they say, hindsight is 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karmacatma
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report

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