Two wind turbines are standing in a field and one asks the other ‘what kind of music do you like?’
The other replies ‘Well, I’m a big metal fan.’
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
What do you call four bullfighters standing in quicksand?
What do you call a woman standing between 2 goal posts?
What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs standing in the windowsill?
When you see cows standing in a field, they are good cows.
They are outstanding in their field.
Me: Hey, Dad, is that a man standing next to an igloo over there?
Dad: It's just an Aleutian.
A man was caught stealing at a supermarket today while standing on the shoulders of a couple of vampires
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets.
A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.
One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.
"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir.Is the bar tender here?"
A physicist sees a guy standing on the edge of a rooftop
He immediately shouts: Don't do it! You have so much potential!
Why was the elephant standing on a marshmallow?
So it wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
(Joke from my dad has been telling since the 80s.)
I needed to get some silverware for dinner and my wife was standing in front of the drawer. So I sang this to her:
🎶"Give me three forks,
Give me three forks sweetie,
Give me three forks from the drawer.
Give me three forks,
Give me three forks baby,
And I won't ask you for four." 🎵
Have you ever eaten under a standing table?
would be pretty under stand table.
Two cows are standing in a field...
Cow 1: are you worried about getting mad cow disease?
Cow 2: of course not... I’m not a cow!
My dad gave me standing instructions to not scare him on halloween
Well, it is invalid as I was sitting.
Hear the joke about a bunch of fat tourists standing in a queue?
It's got a terrible paunch line.
My mom needed help standing up after cleaning the bathroom, so she asked my dad for a hand.
He started clapping.
(Obligatory: actually happened today, my mom messaged me to complain about his bad joke. I thought it was fucking hilarious.)
What's the best vegetable at standing in a line?
Standing firm for family values
You should always try and solve your problems while standing...
Cause it helps you think on your feet.
Saw a guy standing outside for hours yesterday. I asked “Are you okay?” He said...
Two cows are standing next to each other in a pasture...
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artifically inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do by raising one leg?
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
The other day I saw a duck standing on top of another duck’s head.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing, watching a street performer do some juggling.
The performer notices they have a rather poor view, so stands on a large box, asking 'Can you see me better now?'
They reply:
'Yes'
'Oui'
'Si'
'Ja'
I saw my ex girlfriend standing on the opposite side of the museum hall, and I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was so much history between us.
There are 20 crows standing in a row. One of them is coughing. Which one is it?
Standing in a lake in Africa.
I told my friend I was standing in a lake in Africa. He exclaimed to em "no you're not, your in de-Nile!" sorry all.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm
One asks "What's you favorite type of music ?" The other says "I'm a big metal fan"
There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. Puzzled, the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?" The bull replies...
"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."
What do you call a man named Jason standing by an advertisement?
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets
Standing at the park today wondering why does a frisbee appears larger the closer it gets..
And then it hit me!
I didn't see that one coming
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach.
Ha! That’s not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. Its the only way I can see the numbers.
Have you ever eaten under a standing table?
would be pretty under stand table.
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
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