What do you call a dog that likes laps?

A Laprador

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpookyGhost_txt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on the lap.

He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, β€œwhat gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. β€œWhat does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

β€œYou keep out of this! She yells, β€œI’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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I did a few laps around the gym today.

Tomorrow I might go in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Damander
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.

It's called Parking Son's disease.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unlucky_genius
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
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I spilled Thai tea on my lap....

Now my undies are Thai tea whiteys.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fulloftrivia
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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What do you call it when you run a lap, walk a lap, run a lap, walk a lap?

Intermittent fasting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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Growing up I couldn’t do math unless I was sitting in someone’s lap. When I was younger it was never a problem finding someone that would let me sit on their lap, but now that I’m older...

I can’t count on anyone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spunkards97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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My daughter jumped onto my lap and proclaimed "Daddy, I'm bored."

I am so glad to get this promotion to become the chair man of the bored.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
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I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...

She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tc_lion0
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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A tap dancing career is one L away from a lap dancing career...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spruitt1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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"Stock up!" my dad said, tossing a bag of shredded cheese onto my lap.

"Donald Trump is going to make America grate again."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nroak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2016
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I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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Where did lap dogs originate?

Lapland.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snuggeybug
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
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Eating toast at a restaurant when I realize all the crumbs on my lap.

My friend: Well you've always been a crumby person.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/audrey_plaza
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2015
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What does the pirate say when he has a steering wheel in his lap?

YAR!!! IM DRIVING ME NUTS!!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MBStage101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2018
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I spilled coffee on my lap

I was up all night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wheezy360
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2016
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I told my dog to put his front paws on my lap but he jumped on the couch instead

What an embarrassing four paw (faux pas) that was!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/furushotakeru
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2017
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The cat jumped into my lap tonight and I told my wife that it has a favorite side to be pet on.

The outside.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/one_mississippi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2016
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Girlfriends brother drops food on his lap at the dinner table

Dad: What are you feeding that thing for?! Don't you know that it will grow on its own?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deezymyneezy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2015
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Just got dad joked by a 4 year old sitting on her dad's lap

Asked them if someone was sitting in the chair next to them and the dad says "no." So I sit down and with a huge smile the little girl says "now someone is sitting there!" The cutest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rand0mstuf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2013
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Wife dropped this one in my lap today.

We're in the middle of moving and i just got my bookshelves all set up. Unfortunately, there isn't enough space in one single room for them all (I've got too many, like addiction level). My wife brings up that the author 'B' section probably has the most books. I'm pretty sure it's 'S' names. Then she unleashes, "That makes sense, because it's just a bunch of b.s." Golf clap.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Totep
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2015
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When I reach home, my youngest son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it while making car sounds. His cute antics always make me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease.

It is called Parking Son's disease.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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"Stock up!" said my dad as he tossed a bag of shredded cheese onto my lap.

"Donald Trump is going to make America grate again."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nroak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2016
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