Just so that I can be the Father of all Puns.
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
"But he didn't listen!"
Bison
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
It strained my voice
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
Their teacher said it was a piece of cake.
Idk he hadn’t opened his present yet
Dad: I’m checking my balance.
I'd get the doctor to do it.
Apparently he was last seen applying a cream that made him 10 years younger
His mom got really angry.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
The wrong kraut
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
It was a protracted battle
The sign said Draw bridge.
1st kid: "Do you also pray before every meal?"
2nd kid: "NO, my mum knows how to cook. "
"Yeah" the dad replied, "I liked them too."
Kid:. My Dad says Facebook knows everything and that your spying on people.
Mark: He's not your Dad...
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas
They were already assembled.
....or, am I a really bad teacher ?
So I told him if he didn’t eat, his life would be at steak
Sorry North, things went South.
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
PrayStation
I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt I’d share it with reddit.
My kid came up to me and says “oh no, look dad, it needs a bandaid” as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.
I looked at my kid and said “I don’t think it needs a bandaid, he looks like he’s going to bounce back”
Air-vrything.
I'm so proud.
The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
We couldn't afford a dog.
Dad: “ what does your mother feed you?” Mom:” The same thing I feed you!”
...they’ll never fit me.”
He only comes once a year
If you don’t, they’ll just go in one year and right out the other.
So glad I pulled out.
Too much sax and violins.
His mom was pretty upset at me.
A hammer.
I chose the 3rd guy as he was the medium.
Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"
Proud dad moment!
Both can fly if you throw them hard enough
