I ran inside to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden...
I just wish his wife would do the same
Turns out the evidence was planted
I quickly replied, if it happens, you can say Hosta la vista, baby.
That got me a round of slow clapping from the whole family.
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
The preacher said lettuce pray
But it’s fine - I’ve battened down the hutches.
The tail is a wagon!
Damn it, I soiled myself.
Every clod has a silver lining.
A ChemisTREE
He was charged with arboring criminals
The White House leaks made headlines.
I just could not let her bee.
Hive I done right?
I told her the (pretty good) guess was wrong, the spider is in fact 8 feet.
The wife tutted, the spider rolled all of his eyes and I walked away, feeling accomplished.
I rose to the occasion.
Mother:I am well aware, son
He said they were metro gnomes.
I’ve taught him well.
Step daughter " These rocks smell the candy."
Me "Would you say they smell like rock candy?"
Her facial expression was priceless
My mum called a beekeeper, who was keen to come and take them away before something bothered the nest. So keen, he set off from 20 miles away at half nine at night. My dad's comment?
"Well of course he's keen, he's got some freebies!"
Elvis Parsley
Adam and Eve became dis-Abeled
he had his back to the fuchsias.
Thistle definitely get her attention
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and cat.
"That sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman said with admiration.
"Thanks!" the girl replied.
The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
The fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Adam and Eve were spending time together, and it started to get hot and heavy. When Eve tells Adam to stop, he asked what's wrong? She sits up and pulls a fig from behind her back and says I don't wanna have sex on the first date
Now he's St. Francis of Asleepy.
It wasn't my real ladder though, it was my stepladder
So my parents bought a new house, and they are in the process of moving in.
He wants to get some greenery for the front yard, so we're at Home Depot.
He's looking at something, I don't know what, and he makes the comment, "this is almost the exact same thing that we have at the old house, and I love it."
I ask him, "why didn't you like my idea of transplants from the old one to the new house, then?"
Deadpan he replies, "Jay, you know I don't care about a plants sexual orientation or gender."
Seriously, my father, ladies and gentlemen.
My mom was worried that we had a feral animal of some kind on the loose in the neighborhood. She said to my dad, "How close were they?" My dad's response was, "Well I don't know what kind of relationship they had, honey."
This morning while cleaning up the front yard, I overheard this short, but amazing exchange between my mother and father.
Mom: "Hey dad, did you see new sedum I planted? It looks amazing!"
Dad: "I know! I sedum, but I just can't believe 'em!"
My mother then dropped her trowel and walked back inside. Great job, dad.
My dad and I were doing some spring lawn care in my yard yesterday.
When we were near the gardens he asked me "Why don't you plant the onions next to the potatoes?" I said I'm not sure, probably because there's not enough room.
He says to me, "Good thing, it would just make their eyes water anyway."
My love for him grows stronger.
I said it is there next to the sage.
