My girlfriend is a square root of -100

Perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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What do you call a square that got into a car accident?

A rect-angle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo_The_God
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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I was walking home from work, talking to my husband on the phone. He asked me where I was. I said I passed a garden full of gnomes. He said he knew the one I was talking about.

I said "So it's a well gnome garden".

I laughed harder than he did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Upcyclethis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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A group of physicists came to my restaurant today, ate then explained what the force required to accelerate a mass of one gram at a rate of one centimeter per second squared is. Then when my attention was elsewhere, they all left, leaving behind a bunch of hyphens...

I should have known they'd dyne and dash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
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A friend of mine asked why I started a spice garden.

I just figured it was thyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kork-the-great
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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What is the square root of a cat?

Answer: ΞΌ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pkdtezpur88
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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I was going to go work at a herb garden...

...but I didn't have enough thyme

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeamJani12345
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
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I've suspected my Wife of adding extra soil to our garden, so I confronted her about it, but she just shrugged it off..

Hmm...the plot thickens

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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Square root (credit to u/fatfatlama)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ma5tercraft
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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My dad took me down to a garden centre to buy manure but they were out of stock.

We weren't taking shit from anyone that day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coralthesequel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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In a world where people with superpowers make up 1% of the world population, people with two make up 1% of that 1%. These people born with two superhuman abilities are called squares.

Squares are raised to a second power.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guru9224
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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What do you call a horny square?

An erectangle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kono_Dio_Sama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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What is the gardener's favourite Christmas carol?

Lettuce grow, lettuce grow, lettuce grow.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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Square root
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomCow12
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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For the gardening folks
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tribelawn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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Pooh can't calculate the angle at which his friend magically conjured a kitschy garden ornament.

He's not good with tigger-gnome-hat-trick equations.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thvwlsrmssng
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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I interviewed the leading German herb gardeners and compiled their knowledge into a book.

It's called "Wisdom of the Kraut"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hasanowitsch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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A small blue garden bird made of mahogany. Be great if I had a related joke...

Wooden tit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/devolime
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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What kind of socks do gardeners wear?

Well, Garden hose, of course!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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Just received a masters degree in 'garden fencing'.

I am now a post graduate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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You can learn a lot of things when making a rose garden

I learnt that I don’t feel like making a rose garden any time soon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/forstuvetankel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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I hired a gardener because my wife said she would have sex with me after I got the yard work done.

Everything was going great until I went to pay him and he said β€œyour wife already took care of it.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MiksBricks
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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my wife said I had to choose between my two expensive hobbies: gardening, or audiophile

I agonized over the choice before realizing it was quite simple.

but of course, bose before hose!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...

Orchid

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoobidyMcBoobidy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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Why did the statistician hesitate to apply the square root transformation to the data on annual hate crimes?

She didn't want bigotry to be normalized.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrBobShelton_74
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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The geometry major proved to be an excellent gardener...

...due to his extensive knowledge of tree angles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SegavsCapcom
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up.

Good thymes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/idkwutimd0ing
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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What does a pastor use when bugs get into his vegetable garden during the benediction?

Lettuce spray

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlickHeadSinger
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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What do you call 100 penguins in Trafalgar Square?

Lost

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blaringtaser
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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Physicists are playing hide and seek in the afterlife. It's Einstein turn to seek. He counts to 100, turns around and notices Newton in a 1m*1m square. Hah, Newton, I found you!

See Einstein, the problem here is that you discovered Pascal!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zsozso01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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What did the gardener say to the two men who were fighting?

Its thyme to stop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/charmandernews
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine?

you only get one shot

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ways_and_means
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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So, earlier I was replanting my succulents and I offhandedly mentioned to my fiancΓ© I'd like to do gardening shit with my sis...

He replied, "She'd be super helpful since she's a HOE."

#mypunssucc #punnyshit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/queefyqueen_j
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.

I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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"I need a bar built in my garden," I told my friend in the pub. "But I don't know who to ask."

"Well," he replied, "I'll do it if you pay me Β£400."

So I gave him Β£400, and he said, "Right, I'll start asking around."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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I forgot to post this on Pi Day. Oh well! The Argyle Sweater for 3/14/21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDorkKnight53
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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My wife just complained that I've been in the garden all day tending to the herbs.

Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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"Length times width times height. Pi times r-squared times h. Four-thirds times pi times r-cubed."

This really speaks volumes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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So proud of my 6 year old. While teaching her to hit a softball, I told her to β€œsquare up on the ball”

She replied β€œthe ball is round daddy” (with a straight face) So I tell her β€œno, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!”

She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says β€œI’M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!” Then throws it right back at me.

Proud dad moment.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Itsjorgehernandez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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Why is six afraid of seven?

7 was a well known 6 offender

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HisokaLaMagician
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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If a gardener has green fingers what does a hacker have?

Cryptoes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Meerkat6074
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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I thought I heard the Bee Gees singing in my herb garden...

But it was just the chives talkin'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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Was in my local gardening centre looking at outdoor floor boards when the owner asked me if I wanted decking?

Luckily I got the first punch in.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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Wife amazed that the price of the soil for her garden was 4.95/50lb bag

I told her thats dirt cheap

It just happened. I'm evolving

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RiftedEnergy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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While I was gardening a potato was watching me and criticizing my every move. He thought he was big stuff.

But I think he was just a commontater

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheezeturds
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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Donald Trump should drop the ball in Times Square on New Years Eve

He certainly has plenty of experience

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DigThisMyBrother
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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What do you call a horny square ?

An erectangle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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