My girlfriend is a square root of -100
Perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
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︎ Mar 27 2021
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
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︎ Apr 28 2021
I was walking home from work, talking to my husband on the phone. He asked me where I was. I said I passed a garden full of gnomes. He said he knew the one I was talking about.
I said "So it's a well gnome garden".
I laughed harder than he did.
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︎ Apr 23 2021
A group of physicists came to my restaurant today, ate then explained what the force required to accelerate a mass of one gram at a rate of one centimeter per second squared is. Then when my attention was elsewhere, they all left, leaving behind a bunch of hyphens...
I should have known they'd dyne and dash.
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︎ Apr 25 2021
A friend of mine asked why I started a spice garden.
I just figured it was thyme.
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︎ May 10 2021
What is the square root of a cat?
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︎ Mar 31 2021
I was going to go work at a herb garden...
...but I didn't have enough thyme
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︎ May 16 2021
I've suspected my Wife of adding extra soil to our garden, so I confronted her about it, but she just shrugged it off..
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︎ Feb 24 2021
Square root (credit to u/fatfatlama)
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︎ Feb 26 2021
My dad took me down to a garden centre to buy manure but they were out of stock.
We weren't taking shit from anyone that day
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︎ Apr 10 2021
In a world where people with superpowers make up 1% of the world population, people with two make up 1% of that 1%. These people born with two superhuman abilities are called squares.
Squares are raised to a second power.
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︎ Mar 29 2021
What do you call a horny square?
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︎ Feb 25 2021
What is the gardener's favourite Christmas carol?
Lettuce grow, lettuce grow, lettuce grow.
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︎ Apr 29 2021
Square root
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︎ Feb 26 2021
For the gardening folks
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︎ Feb 02 2021
Pooh can't calculate the angle at which his friend magically conjured a kitschy garden ornament.
He's not good with tigger-gnome-hat-trick equations.
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︎ Apr 18 2021
I interviewed the leading German herb gardeners and compiled their knowledge into a book.
It's called "Wisdom of the Kraut"
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︎ Apr 17 2021
A small blue garden bird made of mahogany. Be great if I had a related joke...
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︎ Apr 17 2021
What kind of socks do gardeners wear?
Well, Garden hose, of course!
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︎ Apr 14 2021
Just received a masters degree in 'garden fencing'.
I am now a post graduate.
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︎ Mar 28 2021
You can learn a lot of things when making a rose garden
I learnt that I donβt feel like making a rose garden any time soon.
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︎ Apr 20 2021
I hired a gardener because my wife said she would have sex with me after I got the yard work done.
Everything was going great until I went to pay him and he said βyour wife already took care of it.β
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︎ Apr 07 2021
my wife said I had to choose between my two expensive hobbies: gardening, or audiophile
I agonized over the choice before realizing it was quite simple.
but of course, bose before hose!
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︎ Mar 25 2021
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Why did the statistician hesitate to apply the square root transformation to the data on annual hate crimes?
She didn't want bigotry to be normalized.
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︎ Feb 28 2021
The geometry major proved to be an excellent gardener...
...due to his extensive knowledge of tree angles.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up.
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︎ Mar 09 2021
What does a pastor use when bugs get into his vegetable garden during the benediction?
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︎ Mar 29 2021
What do you call 100 penguins in Trafalgar Square?
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︎ Feb 16 2021
Physicists are playing hide and seek in the afterlife. It's Einstein turn to seek. He counts to 100, turns around and notices Newton in a 1m*1m square. Hah, Newton, I found you!
See Einstein, the problem here is that you discovered Pascal!
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︎ Feb 26 2021
What did the gardener say to the two men who were fighting?
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︎ Mar 01 2021
Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine?
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︎ Mar 21 2021
So, earlier I was replanting my succulents and I offhandedly mentioned to my fiancΓ© I'd like to do gardening shit with my sis...
He replied, "She'd be super helpful since she's a HOE."
#mypunssucc #punnyshit
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︎ Feb 28 2021
I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.
I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias
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︎ Dec 24 2020
"I need a bar built in my garden," I told my friend in the pub. "But I don't know who to ask."
"Well," he replied, "I'll do it if you pay me Β£400."
So I gave him Β£400, and he said, "Right, I'll start asking around."
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︎ Feb 24 2021
I forgot to post this on Pi Day. Oh well! The Argyle Sweater for 3/14/21
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︎ Mar 15 2021
My wife just complained that I've been in the garden all day tending to the herbs.
Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands.
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︎ Feb 02 2021
"Length times width times height. Pi times r-squared times h. Four-thirds times pi times r-cubed."
This really speaks volumes.
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︎ Feb 08 2021
So proud of my 6 year old. While teaching her to hit a softball, I told her to βsquare up on the ballβ
She replied βthe ball is round daddyβ (with a straight face) So I tell her βno, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!β
She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says βIβM REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!β Then throws it right back at me.
Proud dad moment.
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︎ Jun 23 2020
Why is six afraid of seven?
7 was a well known 6 offender
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︎ Feb 11 2021
If a gardener has green fingers what does a hacker have?
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︎ Feb 07 2021
I thought I heard the Bee Gees singing in my herb garden...
But it was just the chives talkin'
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︎ Feb 17 2021
Was in my local gardening centre looking at outdoor floor boards when the owner asked me if I wanted decking?
Luckily I got the first punch in.
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︎ Feb 25 2021
Wife amazed that the price of the soil for her garden was 4.95/50lb bag
I told her thats dirt cheap
It just happened. I'm evolving
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︎ Feb 02 2021
While I was gardening a potato was watching me and criticizing my every move. He thought he was big stuff.
But I think he was just a commontater
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︎ Feb 13 2021
Donald Trump should drop the ball in Times Square on New Years Eve
He certainly has plenty of experience
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︎ Dec 31 2020
What do you call a horny square ?
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︎ Feb 26 2021
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