I heard herb gardens grow better with classic rock in the background, so I played a Styx album on repeat.
Now I've got Too Much Thyme on My Hands.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
"I need a bar built in my garden," I told my friend in the pub. "But I don't know who to ask."
"Well," he replied, "I'll do it if you pay me Β£400."
So I gave him Β£400, and he said, "Right, I'll start asking around."
π︎ 35
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
My wife just complained that I've been in the garden all day tending to the herbs.
Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
I saw a banker burying money under the bushes in his garden
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
I thought I heard the Bee Gees singing in my herb garden...
But it was just the chives talkin'
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 17 2021
I was in the garden last night and to my surprise there was this huge UFO, just hovering....
So, I rushed indoors to get the worst camera I could find, to film it with.....
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes topless in the garden.
Personally,Iβm on the fence.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Dec 04 2020
Found a way to stop my dog from barking in the front garden....
I put it in the back garden.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden
When I saw her kill a butterfly, so to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you donβt get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said "Nice try".
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 13 2020
Why couldnβt Adam and Eve gamble in the garden of Eden?
Because God took away their paradise.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 16 2020
Yesterday, I was digging in the garden when I found a buried treasure chest!
I ran inside to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden...
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jun 05 2020
I put up a scarecrow in my garden the other day and it works so perfectly...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 02 2020
When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 19 2020
My neighbor with big boobs has been working topless in the garden all afternoon
I just wish his wife would do the same
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jun 04 2020
The murder in the botanical garden had a very obvious suspect
Turns out the evidence was planted
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 19 2020
My wife lamented that our newly planted hostas in the garden will probably die...
I quickly replied, if it happens, you can say Hosta la vista, baby.
That got me a round of slow clapping from the whole family.
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 23 2020
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 07 2020
Iβve started growing herbs in my garden. To help identify them iβm growing them in alphabetical order. My neighbour asked me, how you find the time. I said, easy, itβs right here next to the sage.
π︎ 281
π
︎ Aug 15 2019
I went to church in the garden
The preacher said lettuce pray
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jan 13 2020
With Storm Ciara rolling in I was worried about my pet bunnies out there in the garden.
But itβs fine - Iβve battened down the hutches.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 09 2020
Need help in the garden? Can't carry all your tools? Get a happy dog!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 28 2020
First time I plowed my garden, I noticed something shiny in one of the hunks of dirt. Upon rubbing it, I found the whole hunk of dirt was shiny on the inside! I repeated this on other hunks of dirt and each one was shiny on the inside! That made me realize...
Every clod has a silver lining.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 24 2019
I was doing some work in the garden and tripped over a rock.
Damn it, I soiled myself.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 10 2019
My girlfriend wanted to go to a botanical garden in the mountains
π︎ 661
π
︎ Jun 22 2017
What did tree did the chemist plant in her garden?
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 23 2019
Did you hear about the tree surgeon who was found to be hiding escaped convicts up trees in his garden?
He was charged with arboring criminals
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 21 2019
The press found out their is a secret vegetable garden in the White House.
The White House leaks made headlines.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 09 2019
I called the cops on a couple crows meeting in my garden.
It was an attempted murder.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 01 2019
The other day I saw a honey dweller in my garden.
I just could not let her bee.
Hive I done right?
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 22 2019
There was a rather large spider in the garden. I told my wife to guess how big it is.
I told her the (pretty good) guess was wrong, the spider is in fact 8 feet.
The wife tutted, the spider rolled all of his eyes and I walked away, feeling accomplished.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 19 2019
Son:Mum, did you realise there is a hole in the garden?
Mother:I am well aware, son
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 16 2018
My son was in the garden, digging a hole. I thought he would get bored and stop but he kept digging until he hit water.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jul 22 2018
Went to visit my brother in the city and noticed he had cute little statues in his garden that lit up and moved around with the music he had piped out there.
He said they were metro gnomes.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 24 2019
Walking through the garden section in Lowes
Step daughter " These rocks smell the candy."
Me "Would you say they smell like rock candy?"
Her facial expression was priceless
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 18 2018
So There's A Bee's Nest In The Front Garden
My mum called a beekeeper, who was keen to come and take them away before something bothered the nest. So keen, he set off from 20 miles away at half nine at night. My dad's comment?
"Well of course he's keen, he's got some freebies!"
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jul 08 2016
After Cain killed his brother in the Garden of Eden...
Adam and Eve became dis-Abeled
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 25 2017
Saw Michael J. Fox the other day, in a garden center of all places. Didn't recognise him straight away though
he had his back to the fuchsias.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Apr 30 2017
What's green, found in the garden and sings rock & roll?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 26 2017
A fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon, with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle...
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and cat.
"That sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman said with admiration.
"Thanks!" the girl replied.
The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
The fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 29 2017
Oh my wife notices the new Daisy variety I have growing in the garden
Thistle definitely get her attention
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 27 2018
In the garden of Eden
Adam and Eve were spending time together, and it started to get hot and heavy. When Eve tells Adam to stop, he asked what's wrong? She sits up and pulls a fig from behind her back and says I don't wanna have sex on the first date
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 02 2017
The St. Francis statue in my mom's garden fell over and is lying on its side.
Now he's St. Francis of Asleepy.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 21 2017
Gender politics in the Home Depot garden section
So my parents bought a new house, and they are in the process of moving in.
He wants to get some greenery for the front yard, so we're at Home Depot.
He's looking at something, I don't know what, and he makes the comment, "this is almost the exact same thing that we have at the old house, and I love it."
I ask him, "why didn't you like my idea of transplants from the old one to the new house, then?"
Deadpan he replies, "Jay, you know I don't care about a plants sexual orientation or gender."
Seriously, my father, ladies and gentlemen.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jun 24 2016
I was in the garden with my ladder yesterday....
It wasn't my real ladder though, it was my stepladder
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 08 2017
Once my dad came home from work and told my mom that he had seen three dead squirrels in the garden on his way in.
My mom was worried that we had a feral animal of some kind on the loose in the neighborhood. She said to my dad, "How close were they?" My dad's response was, "Well I don't know what kind of relationship they had, honey."
π︎ 12
π
︎ Sep 08 2016
People often say to me after rearranging my garden in alphabetical order, how did I find the time.
I said it is there next to the sage.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 10 2019
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
