I heard herb gardens grow better with classic rock in the background, so I played a Styx album on repeat.

Now I've got Too Much Thyme on My Hands.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
"I need a bar built in my garden," I told my friend in the pub. "But I don't know who to ask."

"Well," he replied, "I'll do it if you pay me Β£400."

So I gave him Β£400, and he said, "Right, I'll start asking around."

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife just complained that I've been in the garden all day tending to the herbs.

Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I thought I heard the Bee Gees singing in my herb garden...

But it was just the chives talkin'

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Wife amazed that the price of the soil for her garden was 4.95/50lb bag

I told her thats dirt cheap

It just happened. I'm evolving

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RiftedEnergy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I was in the garden last night and to my surprise there was this huge UFO, just hovering....

So, I rushed indoors to get the worst camera I could find, to film it with.....

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
An english man walks in the suburbs of London, and sees a garden full of bread on towels. He asks a man in the garden about it

"We live in Great Breadtan afterall" responds the man

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hailolo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the ice cream maker use to water his garden?

A sprinkle system.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyflyingcactus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
This summer when I dug potatoes from my garden, they all were shaped like a letter from the alphabet...

They were U-tubers.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree.

The assistant asked me, β€œWill you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, β€œNo, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

πŸ‘︎ 272
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πŸ‘€︎ u/forstuvetankel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes topless in the garden.

Personally,I’m on the fence.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Found a way to stop my dog from barking in the front garden....

I put it in the back garden.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a prostate and a garden hose?

There's a vas deferens.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarthbane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I went out the garden this afternoon and got sunburnt. It was my own fault...

I was basking for it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden

When I saw her kill a butterfly, so to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don’t get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said "Nice try".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NickNanu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother and I were just reminiscing about the herb garden our family had when we were kids.

Good thymes...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...

They're fairyfocals.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the garden wet?

Because the centipede.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wils_152
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t Adam and Eve gamble in the garden of Eden?

Because God took away their paradise.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kerfandrosSr
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I put up a scarecrow in my garden the other day and it works so perfectly...

... it’s impeckable!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/44pointer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday, I was digging in the garden when I found a buried treasure chest!

I ran inside to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden...

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KittenWarlord87
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife wanted to brighten up the garden

So I planted some bulbs

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Octopus-Pawn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustardbyname
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbor with big boobs has been working topless in the garden all afternoon

I just wish his wife would do the same

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohDaddyNo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I reported my root garden missing to the police.

They told me they’d see what would turnip. Then they told me it wasn’t their beet. I don’t think they carrot all!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I spent all day preserving the fruit of my garden. You could say it was a jam packed day.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Creditcard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I started a garden and the basil is refusing to grow.

It’s being such a pesto.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CodyClay1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
The murder in the botanical garden had a very obvious suspect

Turns out the evidence was planted

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haligaliman
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the scarecrow say during the garden party.

Lettuce turnip the beet

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tungur_Knivur2020
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!

He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djpatientnathan
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife lamented that our newly planted hostas in the garden will probably die...

I quickly replied, if it happens, you can say Hosta la vista, baby.

That got me a round of slow clapping from the whole family.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tokyo-dawn
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears?

It was cutting-hedge technology.

πŸ‘︎ 220
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mardrom_Bransle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What cat is good at DIY and brightens up the garden?

A handy-lion

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What is brown, and runs round the garden?

Fence.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlaMenck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve started growing herbs in my garden. To help identify them i’m growing them in alphabetical order. My neighbour asked me, how you find the time. I said, easy, it’s right here next to the sage.
πŸ‘︎ 283
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcleodpirate
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to church in the garden

The preacher said lettuce pray

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
🚨︎ report
With Storm Ciara rolling in I was worried about my pet bunnies out there in the garden.

But it’s fine - I’ve battened down the hutches.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeChump
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Need help in the garden? Can't carry all your tools? Get a happy dog!

The tail is a wagon!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
No one was Garden the front gate
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blue-Mage913
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
First time I plowed my garden, I noticed something shiny in one of the hunks of dirt. Upon rubbing it, I found the whole hunk of dirt was shiny on the inside! I repeated this on other hunks of dirt and each one was shiny on the inside! That made me realize...

Every clod has a silver lining.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I was doing some work in the garden and tripped over a rock.

Damn it, I soiled myself.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daintyoaktree
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Starting your own garden is easy, but picking all of the vegetables?

That's the harvest part.

πŸ‘︎ 233
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad recently lost all of the vegetables we had just pulled out of the garden.

He isn't worried though, he said they should turnip.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Challengedildo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What Did the Vegetables say when they were kicked out of the garden ?

"it's fine then Lettuce Leaf!!! "

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shdwstar2417
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the garden tools break up?

Because the rake couldnt handle that his girlfriend was a hoe.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mt105
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend wanted to go to a botanical garden in the mountains

I rose to the occasion.

πŸ‘︎ 659
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
🚨︎ report
I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up

Good thymes

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fuqers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report

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