When I was at the zoo today, I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures so I asked the keeper, “How did that toast get into the cage?” She replied...
“It was bread in captivity."
I tell ya, hiring that ghost was the best decision I've made in a while
Not only does he prefer to work graveyard shift, but he's sure got spirit, too
I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a raging weed and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs ‘WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?’
Edit: so happy that one of my home-made dad-jokes is so well-received :) thanks, everyone!
My wife has just phoned me to say that 3 girls in her office have received flowers and they are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, "That's probably why."
In another 3028 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.
Did you hear that a letter in the alphabet is being removed?
My son was making dinner in the kitchen so I said to him, "That’s a nice ham you’ve got there!"
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end!"
There's only one word in the English language that starts with U and ends with E.
Justin Timberlake announced that he will be joining the war efforts in Ukraine.
It’s reported he will be stationed somewhere along the Crimea River.
My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said “wow that’s an amazing car.”
“If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.”
I heard that by law you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
I had a dream last night that I was floating in an ocean of orange soda.
It was more of a Fanta sea.
Did you hear about the triangle that was in a car accident?
Now it's a wrecked-angle.
what do you call a horse and a bee that live in the same neighborhood?
Here's a (-), here's a (/), put those in the first place you think to put them. How politically conscious is that?!
reddit.com/gallery/uibhsb
Archeologists say that in very rare cases, you can experience a mummy farting in their crypt.
If you get the chance to experience this phenomena, you can call that toot uncommon.
Today I learned that if you’re in a kayak and it flips over in the water…
… you can safely wear it on your head because it’s capsized.
I met a really interesting woman in an abandoned house, and when we met, she sent chills down my spine. She moved so gracefully, that it was almost like she was floating. I thought we really hit it off, so I left her my number, but I never heard back from her.
I guess she’s ghosting me.
mirror, mirror, on this man, why was that the greatest pun in a the land?
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” I replied, “Sure, it does.”
“It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
what does a JPEG that struggles to find happiness in life have?
It's a little known fact that Shakespeare fell in love with the ocean.
He wrote "How do I love sea? Let me count the waves."
Today I learned that most dad jokes are told in the home
They say that 50% of marraiges end in divorce...
Either way it's a Wife Time!
(This is my first truly original Dad Joke. Hope you haven't heard it before.)
I am starting a new donut delivery service that specializes in deliveries to crime scenes.
It’s called second responders.
It makes no sense that the town in Cars is called Radiator Springs.
That would be like a town in our world called Liverpool.
Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?
To avoid false positives.
JUST ANNOUNCED: Disney in talks of a Star Wars - Back to the Future crossover where Marty flies so far back in time (long, long ago) that he fuses with his car
He becomes the ManDeLorean
This was in the room when I got my massage. What's the first thing that comes to mind when reading this?
I left my smartwatch in a warehouse that shut down...
My wearable's wearing where wares once were.
[OC] did you hear about the wood chip that got gold in the 400 meter?
he was an olympic splinter
There is a strip club that opened in the North Pole
It's called Santa's Twerkshop
At 1 in the morning I went into the ER due to having some abdominal pain. They quickly found out I had acute appendicitis & scheduled my surgery for later that afternoon. My wife came into my room early that morning & started cracking jokes at me. I had to tell her to stop making me laugh so hard…
…because she was about to make me bust a gut.
100% true story too! 🤣 This happened just this last Friday. 😅😂
You ever see geese flying in a V and one side tends to get longer than the other. Know why that is?
It's because there are more geese on that side.
In our household, we remind all visitors that we are accepting of all forms of self-expression
It's ok if you are sad when using the restroom. It's your potty and you can cry if you want to.
A California vintner in the Napa Valley area that produces Pinot blanc and Pinot Grigio wines has developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic and promises to reduce the number of trips and older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.
They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More.
Did you know that the first French fries weren't cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
Did you know that Florida leads the nation in robberies where the thieves just let themselves into the house?
It makes sense with all the Keys they've got down there.
Did you know that he was burried in a wrong place?
It turned out to be a grave mistake.
How do you call a teapot that have no tea in it
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands?
And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands; There are no canaries there either.
In what country is it likely that your siblings have more than one daughter?
My band friend told me that his tuba was in the repair shop because it was broken.
I told him:
Well, that's tubad now isn't it?
I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden
But how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?
Did you hear about the triangle that was in a car accident?
Now it's a wrecked-angle.
I dreamed that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda
But then I woke up. It was just a fanta sea.
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