I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket
I chose Mask It or Casket
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
My friend just hired a limo for $1000 but it didn't come with a driver.
Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it!
I hired a coach for an upcoming marathon. She gave me a run for my money.
At a job interview the interviewer asked me why i had a 4 year gap in my resume. I told him, that it’s because i went to yale. He looked impressed and told me i’m hired.
Did you hear that the Indian restaurant hired a new delivery guy?
He’s a top-notch curry-er.
I recently hired a guy to fill some stuff in for me
Filler filler filler filler filler filler
Did you hear about the electrician who hired an Octopus?
Because many hands make lights work
I just got hired to work a booth on the highway.
They say this job really takes a toll
I hired someone to dig a hole in the ground to get water...
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That’s when I went to Yale... Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
A mafia boss hired a hitman to take down a few pines in his front yard
The hitman asked: 'what do you want me to do after the job is done?'
The mafia boss replied: 'I want you to go bury tree bodies.'
A red-haired man got hired at a bakery...
...I guess that makes him a gingerbread man
I hired some excellent roofers.
They were really on top of things.
I was hired to fix tires at the bike shop, but I'd rather be their media guy.
I guess I'm more of a spokesman.
I hired lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.
My company just hired a guy named Axel to star in a bunch of our ads
The local newspaper just hired me as the sports editor.
My pen name is Jim Shortz.
I hired the Rolling Stone dercorators to style my room. They did a terrible job.
They just painted it black. I couldn't get no satisfaction with it.
My vision was light blue walls but I guess I always can't get what I want.
I hired a contractor to put up a fence, but he never returned my calls.
I figured he was stone-walling me.
Another great example of puns getting a man hired
I hired a group of protestant religious sect members to haul my furniture to my new house...
They were movers and Shakers.
I hired a wise owl to watch my kids while I was away...
Turns out they had a bit of a hootinanny.
My company just hired a new janitor.
We're expecting sweeping changes across the organization.
VP Joe Biden announced he has hired a female amputee speech writer.
He said she would be really good at stump speeches.
I was hired to represent the hard outer layers of cereal grain in a positive light and by doing so help to increase awareness and sales.
I hired an owl to watch my kids.
She's a real hootin' Nanny.
I was recently hired by aliens.
I am in my probe-ationary period.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
A new teacher was hired immediately when he said he just got out of Yale
He was grateful because he really needed the yob
I was just hired as a spokesperson for a podium company.
That’s a product I can stand behind.
I hired a firm to create an advertising campaign for me. Their idea was to use workbench clamps to hold the ads up for viewing.
I think that's just bad ad vise.
I just hired a full time valet, and I found that people really treat you differently.
He has opened a lot of doors for me.
The Oxygen Network has hired Sir Patrick Stewart to design their logo.
They want him to make its O.
I just hired Squirtle as our new Human Resources manager
It used to be Charmander but things tended to get heated. This new guy seems to have cooled things off
Did you hear about the vulture that the TSA trained and hired?
They fired him on day one. He was caught eating carrion.
My sister was hired to sew 8 bridesmaid dresses by Saturday. . .
She seamstressed but she’ll get it done. However her skills are only sew sew.
My meditative friend just got hired as a stewardess for United Airlines...
She's now on a higher plane of existence!
My friend just got hired as a CEO for a garbage bag company.
I just hired an Asian lawer...
Just got hired at a light bulb company.
They said I had some bright ideas.
Interviewer: what's your name? Me: Hired.
Interview: You're hired?
Me: Thanks for the job!
My friend just hired a limo for a $1000 but it didn't come with a driver !
Imagine spending all that money and having nothing to chauffeur it
I hired lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.
Interviewer: "I see there's a four year gap on your resume. What were you doing then?" Me: "I went to Yale in 2010" Interviewer: "Impressive! You're hired"
Me: "Thanks. I really need this yob"
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That's when I went to Yale... Interviewer: That's impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this yob.
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