What did the drill sergeant say to the first day recruits?

It’s awfully drafty in here!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackWebber85
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your postΒ to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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A newly enlisted recruit was in basic training, being yelled at by a former barbecue chef.

He was their Grill Sergeant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Escalade1414
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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The WNBA refused to recruit Helen Keller

When they handed her a basketball, she kept trying to read it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crash8308
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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I almost managed to recruit money for my slippers factory...

...but the investors got cold feet

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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What does Santa give to people who try to recruit their friends into their MLMs?

Jojoba oil

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πŸ‘€︎ u/McEzz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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Why did the soccer coach recruit zombies?

The team needed a new Ghoulie

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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What's worse than an army recruit?

An armless one!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/obfustication
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2015
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What did one Pyromancer say to the recruit?

It's lit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/abnormalgamer55
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2016
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An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station. /r/Jokes/comments/m4tpxh/…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aguynamedbry
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Guess they should read the bio next time
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Littlegrayhair
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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I was at the recruitment agency and the consultant asked me what I thought of voluntary work?

I wouldn't do it if you paid me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RebellionRob75
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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Recruitment
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bongnazi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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r/dadjokes is recruiting moderators, join us!

Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)

-

Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,

Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.

Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.

So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.

Answer these 3 questions in your reply:

  1. How would you describe a dad joke?
  2. Do you currently moderate any other subreddits? If yes, which ones.
  3. You see a post that is not breaking the rules or reddit's posting guidelines, but is generally disliked by the community. What do you do?

Only apply if:

  • You're a reasonable, fair-minded and patient human
  • You're in it to keep this community a happy, friendly and safe place for other humans
  • You've got previous mod experience from a decent sized community (let's say... 5k+)
  • You're cool with the first few months being a trial run
  • You understand that while we could use more active moderation, and would benefit from a few more rules, one of the things that makes this community great is that it's pretty open (after all, dad jokes repeat a lot and not every "repost" is necessarily an opportunistic attempt to game karma)

We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:

  • You live in a timezone that covers off either the USA, the UK, Australia (we'd like a spread)
  • You've got some automod experience
  • You've got some sub-customisation experience

Don't apply if:

  • You're ready to come out swinging with a power tripping ban hammer
  • You're more concerned about Internet points than real people

We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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I'm 5'11Β½, but tell everyone I'm 6'0"

On my first day of being an army recruit, we were all lined up and the instructor commanded that those 6 feet and over step forward. Even though I was shy of Β½inch, I stepped forward, along with 15 others.

. After I looked around me, I realized I was noticeably the tallest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dwele_music
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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It would be impossible to host a professional hide n seek tournament

Since good players are hard to find

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-k_i_l_r_o_y-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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A recruiter emailed me and asked me to call him in the morning.

The following conversation ensued.

Receptionist: Hello, thank you for calling ______. How may I direct your call.

Me: Hi, I'd like to speak to in the morning.

Receptionist: Who?

Me: In the morning.

Receptionist: I don't know who that is.

Me: Well it says ______ but he asked me to call him "in the morning."

Receptionist: Giggle groan. That's a new one. Let me put you through.

Me: Thank you.

......

Recruiter: Hello this is ________.

Me: Hi in the morning, this is (me)

Recruiter: Hi, I wanted to go over your resume.

....... Later

Me: Thanks in the morning.

Recruiter (just now noticing) Why do you keep daing that.

Me: Your email said to call you "in the morning."

Recruiter: Groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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How did they know that Blackbeard's cook was Italian?

Because his only spice was AAARRgano.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkidWilly86
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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Do you know why ancient egyptians had such a hard time recruiting laborers?

It was a pyramid scheme

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erikjb12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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Why is it always so drafty in football stadiums?

Because of all the fans.

Hm. This might be funnier after social distancing measures are safely eased.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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The recruiter asked why I inflated my GPA on my resume. I said I had low-grade amnesia.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mtkeepsrolling
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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A recruitment agency phoned me up. 'Can you tell me what your ideal position is?' asked the woman, very politely.

Apparently, 'legs up on the sofa' wasn't the answer she was looking for.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
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A group of Christian monks want to create a band. What's their name?

AD/BC

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sinnaig
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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I didn't know my dad had become an IT recruiter...

http://m.imgur.com/9yPE54J

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mynameipaul
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2016
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I was at a college career fair, and the CIA recruiter asked if I was a US citizen.

"Since birth!" ... He didn't look particularly amused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadowthunder
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2015
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Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because the B shells are too small and the D shells are too big.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/birdmanjeremy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2015
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A call to all teacher dads!

This isn’t a dad joke, but I’m recruiting the best of the best.

I’m a new teacher headed into a middle school science class, and need all the good dad jokes y’all can come up with so I can leave my students blind from all the eye rolling that’s in store for them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daugarten
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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Why was the archaeologist depressed?

His career was in ruins!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigRisch
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2016
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Two men go to a job fair seeking employment [long]

They scan the room and approach the table of an available recruitment officer. "Hello gentlemen, please have a seat and we can begin." The two men sit in the chairs and pull up to the table. "Now," says the recruitment officer, "hopefully we can find employment for both of you based on your prior work experience. We have a wide variety of jobs available. I'll ask you some questions and we can go from there." The two men nod eagerly in agreement. The officer turns to the first man. "Can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a pilot," the man replies. "Oh, that's great," the officer exclaims, "I already know that we are definitely looking for pilots!" He takes some notes and turns to the second man. "And can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a wood cutter," the man says in reply. "Oh, dear," the officer says, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but we have don't have any positions like that. I'm afraid we can place your friend, but not you." "That's impossible!" the man sputters in disbelief. "I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing I can do." says the officer. "We aren't currently looking for any wood cutters." "But that's insane!" the man shouts in frustration. "If I don't cut the wood, how is he supposed to pile it?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MC_Bankrupt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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Santa joins the Army

Santa decides it's time to put his 364 days worth of downtime to use, so he travels to Warsaw to join the Army.

The recruiter says "Sir, only natives of this country can join the military".

Santa replies, "I understand, and I meet the requirements".

"How so?" queries the Recruiter.

Santa smiles and says, "Isn't it obvious I am North Pole-ish?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rebella-Scumm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
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Dad Joked Mom in Lowes

I'm an Mech. Engineering student and we are shopping for a new toilet in lowes.

Me upon seeing the kohler toilets: "they are recruiting engineers next week at our college" "I don't think I want to work for a toilet company though"

Mom: "well they probably make good money"

Me: "yeah but I hear it's a shitty job"

A groan came from both her and the lowes employee who was helping us.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oneevilchicken
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2014
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Dad's got a cold sense of humor...

Dad: The Islamic State could really improve its image if they recruited more from Italy.
Me: Why's that?
Dad: 'Cause everyone likes Italian ices.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MossyMemory
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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Like a demonic possession, this joke took a hold of me this morning and would not let go. I'm sorry.

The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"

"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."

Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.

"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.

"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"

"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"

Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumΓ© I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."

That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"

Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"

"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."

Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Larny-Arny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
🚨︎ report
A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine.... (apologies to u/buddybd)

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IranRPCV
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

β€œGo stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.”

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

β€œSon I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.”

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

β€œListen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.”

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

β€œHey there,” says the recruit. β€œis it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!”

The crewman says β€œOh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”

πŸ‘︎ 186
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report

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