Why did they hire Chris to play Thor?

Because Hems-worthy

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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I hate working for what I want. Capitalism has ruined everything. Every time I dip my pen in the company ink, nine months later my wife hires a new employee.

I need a Plan B.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/godkingmaker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I'll hire this guy for a contract
πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealAjmera
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know you can hire a guide to take you through the labyrinth in sixty seconds?

It's a minute tour.

πŸ‘︎ 182
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mahare
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was so sure my new hire was Spider-Man

Because his resume said he was a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Interviewer: We only hire people who are responsible.

Me: Well, your search ends today. At my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.

πŸ‘︎ 797
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CameronC7
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the bank hire a dog that collects sticks?

They needed a new branch manager.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarioMakerProcess
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A priest in a big church in Paris has a job interview with a new bell ringer. The priest asks β€œwhy should I hire you?” The applicant responded β€œI have a special talent!”

β€œOh, and what is this special talent?” Asked the priest.

The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.

At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!

β€œYou’re hired!!” He exclaimed.

The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.

The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.

A bystander asked β€œwho is he?”

The priest responded β€œI don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
CDC should hire more IT people

so they can install antivirus for everyone

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshWithaQ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
They refused to hire the boat assassin to be the face of the company

They had a feeling he'd be a sails killer

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trevhaar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to hire a group of professional hackers

To antagonize a local QT and mess with their registers. That way I can get a snack, wait in line and every five minutes say, punctually, "Man, this quick trip is taking a long time."

It'll be my entertainment for an afternoon.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brydaro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I needed hot air balloon pilots for an event. I could either hire or use prison labor.

Dad told me I should weigh the pros and cons first.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/exaball
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
You hire a prostitute...

... to make up puns. They're all horrible.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jirali_Primrose
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I paid off my new limousine up front, but now I can't afford to hire a driver. So much money spent.

And nothing to chauffeur it.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you hire a horse?

Put a brick under each foot

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked.

The monk replied "religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

πŸ‘︎ 921
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CJFates
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
why did they hire the pig as a chef

because he was good at bacon

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/surealseriph
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the new disability centre hire a repairman?

To fix the blinds

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrakeVader
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife got mad at me for insisting we hire a male masseuse.

She called me a massage-anist.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobskimo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Next hire is going to be a little person

I want someone to look up to me to

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I am never going to hire anyone named William.

I hate paying bills!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad was asking why I always drove a hire car.

I told him, "I'm too tall for the lower car."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AB6Daf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A church recently sustained a lot of damage, and had to hire a contractor in order to replace all of it's bells which were destroyed. After completing the work, all of the contractors were promptly arrested.

They were charged with re-belling.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Always hire mexicans for forestry work.

A Ferdinand is worth two in the bush.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnywholingers
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did I hire myself a one armed Butler!

Serves me right.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrVilborg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the poet hire a security guard?

He didn't want his metaphors to be taken literally.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kungfujohnjon1
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I want to file a lawsuit against U2, but I am finding it impossible to hire a lawyer.

Either they charge a lot of money, or they are pro bono.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
🚨︎ report
A man hires a landscape gardener to fix his garden

Landscape gardener says nope can't do it your gardens in portrait

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeevesPoltergist
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I always say the same thing when I hire a new employee.

Works for me!

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Why would somebody hire a lawyer that just practices law?
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWinterShadow
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend hires Stormtroopers for driving safety lessons.

He claims that they haven't hit anything.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshP99
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why dont you ever hire merchants?

Cause they're always traders

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Covert778
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Who's best to hire as a bouncer?

An Italian woman, because you can't get pasta

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/squid2388
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a member for a royal court who you can hire for cheap to represent you in a rap-battle?

A dis-count.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeframecochrane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
🚨︎ report
When I set up my living room surround sound I decided to hire a sound technician

over a mediocre one

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sukarsono
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can't you hire meats to drive trucks?

The steaks are high.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MatrixCthulhu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Nobody would hire the novice prosthesis maker.

He had no first-hand experience.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_snipeypants
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Job requirements are hire standards
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kahnonymous
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A company hires a terrorist to do some work

After that, sales were booming

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_-Sponge-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My local radio station really needs to hire an actual weatherman.

I want to hear more about the big storm system in the area but they keep asking for updates from a "meaty urologist."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManiAAC41
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
🚨︎ report
A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked

the monk replied "Religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

πŸ‘︎ 159
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AaronKClark
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
🚨︎ report
A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked

the monk replied "Religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report

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