The WHO have a German Doctor now heading up their COVID response..

.. He's Dr Hans Sanitizer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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Found this heading into the vet
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cameroo_n
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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My cat just ate a bunch of cheese. Now he's heading to the basement to look for mice

with baited breath.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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A group of friends are heading through Louisville and a debate ensues as to how to pronounce the name of the city.

One says it's Lewis-Ville. The next one says the locals say Lew-ville and the last one says they say Lewie-ville. After arguing for a few minutes they see a place to get some lunch. They all agree it would be great to hear how the locals pronounce the name of their city. They all go up to the counter and one says, could you tell me where we are and please say it slowly. BURR-GURR-KIIING!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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What did Bruce Willis say when he saw an asteroid heading for earth?

Armageddon outta here!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timmygun
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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Got a co-worker with this one as he was heading home after a 24hr shift.

I work in the investigations section of a military police department, and aside from our normal office hours, we have 24hr shifts that cycle through the office, so that there's an investigator present and on-duty 24/7/365.

My co-worker was wrapping up some paperwork this morning, and coming off of his 24 hr shift, and almost dead to the world. At the time, a pair of other investigators in my office were discussing some case that had happened a day or two prior that involved an emancipated juvenile.

I was just logging into my workstation to check my e-mail and I turned to my co-worker and asked, "Hey, so when a juvenile gets emancipated, and he announces it - proclaims it, if you will - what would they call that?"

He stares at me with a blank, uncomprehending expression and I continue, "An emancipation...proclamation? Maybe?"

The annoyed groans of someone who's been up for 24 hours are so satisfying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Droidball
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
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A Saudi Arabian captain was warming up his ships engines before heading out on patrol, when the religion police came and arrested him and his crew...

They were charged with "Idle Warship".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cry2Laugh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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As my son was heading out to go camping, I advised him, "If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same."

"Then you’ll have a match!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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My wife was leaving for work and told me she was heading off.

I told her I'd prefer that she leave her head on

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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One day my daughter and I were on a walk together and were surprised to see a shelled reptile a little ways down the road. Guess which direction it was heading?

Tortoise

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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I was heading to the department store to pick up some gardening supplies and my wife asked me to pick up one of those tangle free hoses.

I guess she isn’t into the kinky stuff.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheapojoe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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As we were heading out the door, my son plopped down on the floor, hoisted both of his feet into the air, looked up at me and screeched, "Daddy, put my shoes on please!"

I looked down at him and chuckled, β€œI think my feet are too big.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Today, my wife gave birth to my son while heading to the hospital.

We're calling him Carson, I still don't think she knows.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOhMyPancakes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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Wife and kids were heading to the local stable

They were going to help unload hay bales that are delivered there once a month. As she was backing out of the garage, I waved goodbye and yelled, "Tell everyone I said hay!"

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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So my dad and I are in the car heading home and he goes into the left lane instead of the middle one

Me: confused that we aren't heading home Where are we going?

Dad: keeps staring straight ahead with a blank face Left....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/5ireball
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Was talking to my wife about heading to the local fire hall for their charity Christmas tree drop-off and chipping...

Me: "Do you know if they are rejecting any trees at the firehall this year?"

Wife: "No...? I haven't heard anything"

Me: "I guess they still have an o-PINE door policy!"

Wife: "I hate you so much right now"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jjsidhu23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Heading to the airport this afternoon...

Boyfriend: "Which terminal are we going to?"

Me: "We're flying out of A Terminal?"

Boyfriend: "Yes, but which one?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/balletscience
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2017
🚨︎ report
I was going to get waxed before heading to Australia this year for Christmas.

But it's such a rip off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sweathesmallshit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend was heading to a photoshoot...

Packing a suitcase full of shoes because she’s in a hurry...

β€œCan you put that in the car?” β€œPut what in your car? The Shoetcase?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LetOteilSing2017
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2017
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My wife told my son and I to have fun as we were heading to do laundry.

I said "loads."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wizardofoz420
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2016
🚨︎ report
We were heading to a pub quiz which started at 8...

"What's the time, Dad?"

Dad looks at his digital watch:

"It's 19:54. So we've got a good 60 years before we need to be at the quiz!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jagershark
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad told this one before heading out for NYE

Dad: Where are you going?

Me: Celebrate new year with my friends.

Dad: Please be back before next year.

Happy New Year Dads!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeLutfi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2014
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Heading in for an appointment...

If you've ever been to a hospital that has valet service, you know that they can sometimes drive like jerks.

So my dad and I were driving up the parking ramp to our parking space for an appointment (valet service is optional at this hospital), and one of the valet drivers was riding our ass the whole way. I said, "Damn, this guy in the Lincoln needs to slow down." My dad responded, "The valets here all drive like jerks." As we reached the parking spot the guy pretty much blew past. So then I chimed in with "You'd think people at a hospital would be more patient." And my dad just replied with a groan and a "gee whiz."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WaffleBrothel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
🚨︎ report
When I was heading to a private place to dance

When my girlfriend and I was climbing up several stories in an apartment to go to our spot to practice dancing, I complained that it'd be easier to just practice on the first floor.

Her: I don't want to, we'd get so many stares!

Me: We can't possibly get any more stairs than here.

I tell myself that she thinks I'm cool every time

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hawaianhamster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2015
🚨︎ report
Heading into the subway...

She says: Oh, it's really misty down here.

Dad says: I guess a lot of people must have just mis-ty-train.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/punwick
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
🚨︎ report
Heading into the hair dresser's

Dad: Oh good, I don't have to carry you in. Walk ins are welcome!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/forensikat
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2014
🚨︎ report

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