My friend: Did you heard about the Italian man who died recently, he pasta way
Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?
(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)
Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.
My boyfriend told me he already turned the clocks forward an hour in the kitchen. I told him he is a man ahead of his time.
I purchased a new kitchen sink and the delivery man never told me he left in on my doorstep. Sat there all day
Saw Buzz Aldrin today. Told my friend that he was the second man on the moon.
Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:
"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."
I caught a man trying to break into my house last night. He was wearing football pads, swimming trunks, ice skates and holding a baseball bat.
I said, “Oi, what’s your game?”
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
My dad went to the store to buy milk, i said “sure, old man” and he said “im not good at comebacks”
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
I'll never forget my old man's last words before he kicked the bucket:
"Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Friend: ...my wife is uncomfortable with them because they’ve joined the church of Satan. Like, he showed me his membership card. They’re paid members, man.
Me: well; someone has to pay the devil’s dues
Friend: damn it.
A man woke up in a hospital after a terrible accident. He shouted, "Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know. I amputated your arms!”
The bank man asked me my birthday. I said April 17. He said "Yes, What year?"
So after becoming a father, my dad and I were talking about how we couldn’t believe any man would walk away from his kids. My dad says dead beat isn’t a good enough name so he asks me what they should be called. I said:
A man told me that throwing my drinks at him wouldn't hurt because I only drink soft drinks. But he was laid out when I threw a can of Arizona.
I guess he didn't expect a my tea throw.
People used to describe my father as a real “Man’s Man” the type to get all the men talking at the party. However he never really spoke to me,
I guess to me he was more of a “Mime’s Man”.
My dad tried to take the phone from me, saying he could get us a better deal on internet.. I hate this man, lol
He took the phone, and said, in the voice of Freddie Mercury, "Is this the wi-fi? Is this just fantasy?...Caught in a landline, we don't need AT&T.." and then passed the phone back. We already have AT&T, and I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH A FRIEND THAT DOES ACCOUNTING?, NOTHING TO DO WITH SOMEONE CALLING OUR HOUSE. No more Crockpot broccoli and cheese soup using weed butter for him. Good god... I'm almost impressed. We also haven't had a landline in years. God bless this small dog weilding, vaping man.
I left my job today. I couldn't work for that man anymore after what he said to me
Today I drove to work and because of the chaotic traffic I ran my car into another man's. As he got out of the car I saw he was a gentleman of the smaller persuasion, a dwarf. He said "I'm not happy."
I asked "Which one are you then?"
I man asked why he could see through me, I told him my son is transgender now I’m
My old man always thought he was hilarious in the supermarket; whenever the cashier asked “would he would like the milk in a bag”
He would reply, “No, just leave it in the carton”
My son said he wants to be a Demolition Man when he grows up.
Should I tell him about the three seashells?
From my daughter... What did the man say when he spilled jam on himself?
One day, my buddy and I were playing a game of cribbage and I was far ahead of him. He told me “Man, you are on fire.”
I shouted back at him “Then put me out already!”
My 3 year old got scared of the mall Santa. I guess he’s claustrophobic like his old man
I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, "Ok let's say there's someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he's a Mail-man. Similarly if there's someone named Jennifer who's doing the same job what would you call her?"
My father is a determined man. He never gives up
He has a lot of daddycation
So once I was out in front of my house, and the mailman came by with a letter from the Pope. I looked at the man and was surprised to see that he was my brother.
He was my Father’s Son with the Holy Post.
My old man used to think he was hilarious at the McDonald’s drive thru when the server asked, ‘Any condiments?’
He always responded, ‘Compliments? You look very nice today!’
(Yes probably a repost)
Wife and I are at my son’s yellow belt ceremony and we see that the grand master’s name is Soon Man Lee, I chuckle she doesnt get why. I look her dead in the eyes, he’s not manly yet, but he will be soon. Now she thinks I’m damaged in some way.
My uncle was killed by a man with a metal leg joint, which was strange because he had always wanted one.
But I think he would still appreciate the iron-knee
I had hired a man to watch my cattle, but it turned out he was afraid of them.
During his wedding, my friend told me that I was the worst best man he has ever seen.
At his wedding, my friend called me the worst best man he’s ever seen.
A man awoke in a hospital bed after a brutal accident. He shouted “doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms“
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
At his wedding, my friend called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I left my job today. I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me.
"What did he say?"
"You're fired."
a man woke up after a serious accident and he said “I can’t feel my legs!!”
the doctor said “I know you can’t, i’ve cut off your arms!
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms!”
At his wedding, my friend called me the worst best man he’s ever seen.
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