Burnt my hawaiian pizza today...

Should have cooked it on aloha temperature.

EDIT: Thanks for the awards, y'all!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13k
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/user7618
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A Ham Sandwich walks into a bar.

It walks up to the bartender and says 'Pint of lager please mate'

Bartender looks the Ham Sandwich up and down and says 'Sorry mate, we don't serve food here'

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OptimalMongoose2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A Ham Sandwich Walks into a Bar..

Strolls up to the bartender and says 'Pint of lager please mate'

Bartender looks the Ham Sandwich up and down and says 'Sorry mate, we don't serve food here'

Edit; Sorry that this is causing so much controversy in Dad joke world. My Dad literally told me this joke and it totally is a 'Dad joke' in my eyes!

Edit 2 Just want to say some of these comments have had me in bits! Keep them coming Dads! #DadPower

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LookAtMyPartyDisco
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Got dad joked by my two year old.

Walked into the kitchen with my hammer to hang something up, "What's that, Daddy?" "It's a hammer, buddy." "What are you going to ham?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Flapjack22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Two guys were stranded in a desert.

The first guy was named Jim and the second guy was named Joe. They were starving, and dying of thirst. They kept walking in one direction hoping that they would get out of the desert before they died. They had been lost a long time, and it wasn't looking good.

Then, in a stroke of good luck, they found an oasis. In the oasis there was plenty of water and trees growing. On the trees, was every kind of bacon imaginable. Crispy bacon, soft bacon, even Canadian bacon (even though it doesn't really count). Joe says, "I'm going to go eat some bacon."

So Joe goes and gets some bacon out of a low tree.

Just as he takes his first bite, a gremlin jumps out of the foliage, and stabs him in the back with a knife.

Joe is laying on the ground dying, and his friend Jim comes up to him. Joe says in a warning, "Jim run away. It's not safe here!"

"Why not?" Jim asked.

"This oasis isn't what it seems! It isn't a bacon tree, IT'S A HAM-BUSH!!!"

And he died.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Xnightshade2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 09 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Bacon Puns

Why didnโ€™t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!

Whats green and smells like bacon? ย Kermit the Frogโ€™s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.

Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? ย Kevin Bacon

If you canโ€™t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries

Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.

Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.

Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.

What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.

How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.

What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.

What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, youโ€™re bacon my heart melt.

What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.

First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trumpโ€™s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.

Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.

If Kevin Bacon doesnโ€™t whisper โ€œHere comes the Baconatorโ€ before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost

Iโ€™ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge thatโ€™s not bacon

If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?

This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.

If we donโ€™t build a wall on our northern border, theyโ€™ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.

I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.

My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaverโ€ฆbecause Iโ€™m Canadian.

When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know youโ€™re getting extr

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My Dad just did this to me on a Skype call.

So me and my Dad were skyping as I live in Canada when he pulls this on me

Me: So I am going to be making Ham and Scalloped potatoes tonight

Dad: Oh yea, thats nice

Me: Yup, Ham seems to be going cheap right now so I picked up a nice one.

Dad: What the hell is wrong with your pigs over there. In England its usually the birds that go cheep cheep and the pigs go oink.

Me: Dad, you have problems.

Dad: What you talking about, you're the one with the clucking pigs I think your situation is a tad worse then mine.

Me: sigh You're hopeless.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 23
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jwishbone
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 09 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Got my wife while cooking dinner tonight.

So tonight for dinner, I made a glazed ham. I've been a cook for a few years, so time at home with the wife and kids to cook a good meal is rare.

Well, my wife comes in the kitchen and asks me if I'm going to score the ham (For those unaware, it means to cut lines in it, in order for the glaze to get into the ham and keep it moist while cooking.)

I nodded, picked up my knife, stood over the ham, and as I'm about to cut into it, I yell, "7.5, too much water." Then set the knife down and grinned.

She groaned something fierce, but still loved the dinner.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bytmyshnymtlazz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 07 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Digital Logic Dad-Joked

My professor had taught us about these doohickeys called multiplexers, which we sometimes also call "data selectors," in a previous lecture.

At the next lecture we had a review: he would draw a symbol and we would shout out what it represented, and he was hamming it up, acting like a game show host.

He drew a multiplexer on the board and asked the class, "what's this?" "A multiplexer!" some students called out. "Right! Now," says the prof, "what is another word for 'multiplexer'?" "A data selector!" someone answers correctly. But he looks like the student just blew the million-dollar question. "Hmm... 'a data selector'... no, I'm afraid notโ€”that's three words!"

His two young kids have probably learned not to ask him about what he teaches.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HerrDoktorHugo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.