She's my Sepsis
They saw people in half all the time.
Sister: "I passed half of my two part exam!" Dad and I at the same time: "congr!"
I've got two half sisters.
*sister takes out the trash but doesn't replace the trash bag*
Dad: "hey do you have a whole butt?"
Sister: *blinks* "what?"
Dad: "do you have a whole butt? or do you have a half butt?"
Sister: "uh I am pretty sure a whole butt..."
Dad: *points to trashcan* "then why did you half ass the job?"
When my Mum and her sisters were younger, in an attempt to keep them quiet for half an hour, he told them to sit down next to each other so he could do their portrait. Every now and again he would stop, look up and to ensure he had the correct scale, held out his thumb and squinted a little, then continued.
After half an hour they got restless and said "Are you done yet, let's see".
He turned the drawing pad around to show...a simple sketch of a thumb.
Not a Dad yet, but thankful to have this trick up my sleeve for when I am.
Now I have two half-sisters.
My name is Sam. My younger sister is two and a half years younger than I am. My dad was going to name her Ella so we would be Sam & Ella (Salmonella) but my Mom caught on and named her something else. He was so close!
I wouldn't have been mad at all, such dedication is worth it.
My half sisters were telling my dad about how his ex-wife just had surgery to replace both knees.
Dad: "She should have gone to Africa"
Sister: "Africa, why?"
Dad: "Because that's where the negro"
My parents are heading up to NY on vacation together. We have a group text that has my parents, my wife and I, my brother and his fiancee, and my sister. All day, half the family has been traveling for either work of vacation, so there have been a lot of texts about when people have boarded their flights or landed at their layovers of destinations. After 2 hours without any texts, here are the latest two texts we all got:
Mom: We got to NY!
Dad: Glad to hear it!
(remember, they're traveling together. Oy)
My wife was talking about her friend one day and said, "yeah, she has two half sisters."
To which I responded, "so she has 1 whole sister??"
There was much groaning.
My sister and I are watching the Australia-Netherlands WC game and she suddenly asks,
Sister: What's the capital of Netherlands? Me: Amsterdam. Sister: Hungary? Me: Starving.
It's half past one and my sleepy self is so proud of myself.
Sister: Dad, I cut my electric bill in half this month.
Me: You know, you should really just pay those things instead of cutting them up.
Out of my whole family, my uncle and my dad were the only ones to laugh. haha
My sister was complaining that all she could buy for underwear was ugly ones because she has wide hips even though the rest of her is skinny. I wasn't really paying attention and said "aw yeah..that's a bummer."
She looked at me like "oh haha very funny." I was confused for a half a second until I thought about what I had just said.
My dad and sister were discussing how they watched Harry Potter the half blood prince today and my dad said,
"Well I only saw half of it so I guess it was only the quarter blood prince"
Whenever my dad brings me and my brother and sister and our friends out for a meal, he always mentions "these 3 get whatever they want but that guy? He's not mine so, if you have maybe a half eaten plate or some meat you dropped on the ground, just bring it to him" Every time.
My sister and I were cleaning our basement to prepare for a party. Half of it is the entertainment center, and the other half is open space. Our dad tends to use it as a workshop when we're not hosting parties.
As we're putting away tools and sweeping up, my sister calls out, "Hey, I found the heavy metal." I thought she meant my CDs.
When I turned around, she was holding a 2"x6" rectangle of metal. And it was heavy.
And I groaned super hard.
Sister: Walking out of the store today i had this conversation with my 2 and half year old daughter "we are going into a parking lot you need to hold my hand."
Her kid proceeds to grab her own and and says "I am good. I am holding my own hand."
My dad Smirked, Dad: If Holding hands is what is important, who cares which hand it is, right?