...she was an LPN.
We had a Don't Bother Checking account.
My first pet only had 3 legs, and it was a centipede.
Mom had one bra, and it was a lease.
For breakfast we ate Lieutenant Crunch.
My first spoon was monogrammed though ("1/2 TSP").
We were too poor to even say "awesome." We had to say "awefew."
We sat at the campfire and made S'Lesses.
My pillow only had one side.
Repossession was 9/10 of the law.
Five kids had to share one shoelace, and instead of toenails we grew toe staples.
Our scotch tape was scots-irish.
(I'm allowed)
My first shower came with sound effects and a lightshow.
One year Santa had to bring stockings.
The next year he filled them with nooses.
I did have a jumprope with a rattle on the end. And fangs on the other.
Other kids hunted eggs for Easter but we just died.
She replied (while using the bathroom): What are you talking about?
I said: You told me you were an American, but European.
You could call it a rough neighborhood
It was in the spaghetto.
He now is a sturgeon
...turns out that’s called identity theft and is illegal.
At least he was born in a stable situation.
He died in the war, holding a hand grenade.
What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.
Hehe
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
We had a station wagon.
I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that Gandhi was a super fragile, calloused mystic suffering from halitosis.
It was coup coup
It’s my secret ‘stache.
It's my secret 'stache.
He responded: None, son. I was born with two and never grew any more.
My kidneys are still not adultneys
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the door unlocked!”
Her: This building didn’t used to be here.
Me: Every building didn’t used to be there!
But I refuse to go with that stereotype.
One day a storm flooded the area with seawater and damaged his home... now he's in a pickle.
It was a roil-mess.
I guess love isn't always on time
...would it be seaweed?
I said "Funnily enough it's grown on me too!"
The stonefruit was almost ready for harvest when he was hit with a bout of laryngitis that left him unable to talk. Despite the doctors orders for bed rest, he went into the orchard early one morning to find all of his mature peach trees had been stolen. He was peachless."
The current owners let me take a look inside. No biggie.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician
It's about time.
I told her sure but some of it is Garbage.
That was a releaf.
It was earie.
it was just one ting after another.
I guess you could say I have Pac-men-tality...... This is bad
It was a nightmare
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
Big dill.
It was a pretty big re-leaf.
...turns out that’s called identity theft and is illegal.
...It grew on me.
GEOMETRY!!! 🌳🎉🎆
