Every fall, after all the foliage falls from my trees, the trees suddenly sprout new foliage. It makes me laugh.

I guess I like the comic releaf.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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What do you call a been that didn’t sprout?

A could have bean

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aimeaj
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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I roasted brussel sprouts...

I told them to quit trying to be cabbage because they'll never get "a head" like that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WoefullyYours
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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The Punner’s Prayer

Dear Lord as week seek to produce puns worthy of your praise, lettuce relish this opportunity. We ask that you would cause humor to sprout in the hearts of those who think us nuts. Continue to cultivate in us passion, fruit which beets back sadness and joy which leeks into others. Though some may say we are corny we know you will give us sage wisdom. Give us the confidence to know we are kale’in it as we bring choy to the world and live apply ever after.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cool-breeze7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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Puns sprouting up like weeds
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bondjimbond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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What's the most hated vegetable in the world?

Kim Jong Un

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcharlesboyle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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A man has been admitted to hospital, smelling of horses and with hay sprouting from his ears.

Doctors say he is in a stable condition

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kiwicanary
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
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New England trees have sprouted legs and are running amok. Officials say:

Birches be runnin' wild.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KungFooShus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
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What do you call a vegetable grown in a brothel?

A brothel sprout.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dorie30
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.

For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
🚨︎ report
What's a body builders favorite vegetable?

Muscle Sprouts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustinSpartan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?

A brothel sprout πŸ™„

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club.

However I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndreT_NY
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2016
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What do you call a kid raised in a whore house?

A brothel sprout.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NZOC
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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What do you call a child born in a whorehouse?

A brothel sprout.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coadnamedalex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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Just got hired and I'm already *that* employee

Me: (assembling boxes) i'll watch out for that plant.

Boss: yes please do, i've had that fern since it was just a sprout.

Me: awww. they grow up so fast.

Boss: yes. it'll probably start going to college soon.

Me: think it'll go to an... ivy league?

Boss: ...

Me: ...

Boss: ...

Me: ...so yeah I'll just pack these boxes and watch out for the plant.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winnersbitch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call children living in the capital city of Belgium?

Brussels sprouts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asterisk49
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
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What do you call an ambitious vegetable?

Hustle sprouts

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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So China went to the moon...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lykanthrocide
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call kids born in a whore house?

Brothel Sprouts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dfd179
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Walking my two Jack Russell Terriers the other day, and I bump into a guy who asks "Are those Jack Russells?"

"No mate, they're mine."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/threepwood384
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call children who are born in whore houses?

Brothel sprouts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluefoot55
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2014
🚨︎ report
Proud of my baby girl

My 20 year old daughter works in a local small specialty bake shop (Gluten Free, Organic, Vegan). The owner gave her some cash and sent her to the local Sprouts for some salt. She was shoveling salt from the bin into a bag and had about 5 lbs already in the bag and was still shoveling. She noticed a mid 40's man looking at her in wonder. With out missing a beat, my baby girl says "We have one hell of a snail problem" and keeps shoveling.

I've never been more proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imdickie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad just said this to my mum...

Dad: what are they?

Mum: bean sprouts

Dad: I don't care what they've been I want to know what they are!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Katerina40
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
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My mom dad joked us all on a road trip.

We were driving to Minnesota for vacation and as we are passing through Iowa, I see a wind farm (they are very uncommon where im from). I say "look, guys! A wind farm!" To which my mom replies almost immediately "I wonder if they start them off as seeds or sprouts." Kinda caught us all off guard!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dylanvansandt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2014
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I think I Nailed this

I'm on my mobile, so I apologize for any typos.


Today I had a simple surgical procedure at my local podiatrist.

At the end of the procedure the doctor was applying an acid to the surgical site, and I asked what he was using.

Doc: "...this is called Phenol, and it discourages the regrowth of the ingrown nail."

Me: "That sounds phenolmenal!"

He stopped what he was doing for a moment, and we had a good laugh, turns out he had never heard that all to obvious pun.

Also, I'm pretty sure khakis are going to sprout from my legs pretty soon.

I'll keep you all in the loop on that front

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agr8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked a girl on my Facebook feed

Her: "I can't believe I've been at Sprouts for 10 months now!"

Me: "Wow, that's quite a long line"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrTallGuy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Guy made an awesome party entrance with a cheesy dadjoke

My friend had a truck on his lawn full of firewood for the bonfire planned for later in the party. This guy who just arrived walks into the kitchen and says, "Hey, you know you've got a truck growing outta your lawn?" My friend replies, "Yeah, I planted a couple GMC emblems and it just sprouted up!" The guy, without a moment's hesitation says. "Damn, that's a real bumper crop!" Everyone in the kitchen died laughing and the guy, who didn't really know anyone there, instantly became the centre of the party.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WebberWoods
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Sitting at Christmas dinner with the family

Aunt: There's to be gale force winds tonight.

Dad: It's all those Brussel sprouts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlickBoogie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
🚨︎ report
I got both my parents with one today!

We were out in their patio, and my dad points to a small stray tomato plant, that somehow sprouted up a few feet from the large group of tomato plants they have.

Dad: "What should we do about that volunteer tomato plant?" Me: "Maybe you should start paying it!"

Commence my laughter, and my dad groaning, and my mom ignoring me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaitlinsRoses
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2014
🚨︎ report

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