Green Pea Puns

You pee green soup.

[this one is actually technically a mom joke]

...and I was explaining how the practice originated during the American Civil War, but they're still young, so I had to explain how we got into the war.

Me (Dad): "...so the South didn't like what the North was doing and they decided they wanted to quit the country."

Wife (Mom): "AND THEY SECEDED! ... Get it? SECEDED! HAHAHAHHA! It's like succeeded, but it... nobody?"

First drill a hole in the ice and line it with green peas. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole!

(Told to me by my dad at dinner this evening)

First, dig a large hole and fill it with ashes.

Next, line the hole with green peas.

Then when the bear takes a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

Every time she does my dad dumps a bunch on the table and says "oh no I've peed on the table!"

Green Peas

1. Cut a large hole in the ice.

2. Place green peas around the hole at about 1 foot intervals.

3. When the bear comes up to take a pea run up and kick him in the ice-hole.

So I was eating dinner with my mother and step dad last night and I accidentally dropped a spoonful of green peas on the floor.

Mother: Aw Alex! Me: Shit, I just peed all over the floor!

::Mom and step dad look at me in disgust along with the chirping of crickets.::

My dad would give me a scoop of green peas and then say, "Ha ha! I just pea-d on your plate and your gonna eat it!"