What did the ninja delivery boy say to the office manager when he was delivering an unexpected order of pens, pencils, and paper goods?

Supplies!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kingrangerprops
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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Burnt my hawaiian pizza today...

Should have cooked it on aloha temperature.

EDIT: Thanks for the awards, y'all!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/user7618
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where thereโ€™s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. Thereโ€™s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldnโ€™t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesnโ€™t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy heโ€™s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, โ€œThank you.โ€

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

โ€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/silashoulder
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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why did the FedEx driver decide to get into standup comedy as a fallback?

all his friends told him he was really good at delivery

i came up with this myself and im kinda proud ngl

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JacksonCM
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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Grandad always hated the milkman

My grandad always hated the milkman. Every time the guy limped up to the door (heโ€™d had his foot damaged in the war) to drop off our delivery grandad would always grumble and mutter. I asked the old man what he had against the milkman. I never got a good answer.

It wasnโ€™t until years later that I figured out that grandad was just lack toes intolerant.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AlephInfite
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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Why did the obstetrician pursue a career in standup?

Because he was so good at deliveries

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rayzon1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/0108sarthak
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16 2018
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So i posted this OC in r/jokes a while ago and it only got 2 upvotes. Hoping you intellectuals will appreciate it more ....... Why do environmentalists iron their clothes?

To decrease the materials being used.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/M1zchL
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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If you were dating a FBI agent and you broke up...

he would be your fed ex

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Krishini
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 20 2018
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My new comic "Punguins". Let me know what you think! penguinproductions.org/coโ€ฆ
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Drsmall
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 28 2016
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That'll show him

A large corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO told him to wait right there. He walked back to his office and came back a couple of minutes later and handed the guy $1600 in cash. "Here's 4 weeks pay. Now GET Out and don't come back here!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominoes."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfowler11
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 01 2019
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Beautiful dad joke delivery on Australian national TV last night

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSf00ewCiko&feature=youtu.be&t=180

Includes all the important aspects of a good dad joke:

  • Innocent setup by unsuspecting teammate
  • Perfect delivery of terrible dad joke
  • High five from another shameless dad nearby
  • Look of severe disapproval from contest judge who can't believe you just did that in front of your entire country
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/p-hodge
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 08 2019
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I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! Iโ€™m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you donโ€™t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, itโ€™s been around the birthday block a few times, but thereโ€™s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If youโ€™re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what youโ€™re thinking, โ€œI bet this is a junkerโ€, but youโ€™d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body Iโ€™ve ever had my hands on.

Whatโ€™s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because itโ€™s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds itโ€™s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Iโ€™ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. Itโ€™s whatโ€™s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I donโ€™t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasnโ€™t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, Iโ€™ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if youโ€™re traveling with another couple, Iโ€™m sure theyโ€™ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesnโ€™t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DjBWren
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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Renovation puns

so my mothers friend andy is helping her install a new TV, and this string of puns resulted:

ME: thanks for helping out around here, nice to have an ANDY-man

ANDY: oh that was a good one

BROTHER: i Don't know, i thought the delivery was kinda WOODEN

ME: wow, thanks for HAMMERING that home, pesonally i think i NAILED it, so SCREW you

BROTHER: will you just CONTRACT aids already (edgy ik)

ME: oh come on, i don't think you're being very CONSTRUCTIVE

BROTHER: i'm sorry, feeling a little PLASTERED right now.

Both of us: burst out laughing

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/QLMMaster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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Delivery dad joke

My roommate and I are ordering some Chinese food for delivery.

She asks "what's a good tip for a delivery driver"

I reply "always wear a seat belt"

She won't talk to me now.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/grease_cat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 08 2014
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The greatest prank call I ever pulled off

I was an ER tech in a fairly busy inner city hospital for a few years. On one unusually slow night, around 3am, I called up to labor and delivery from an outside line. The conversation went like this:

"Labor and Delivery Nancy speaking"

"Hi I have an unusual problem and I am hoping you can help me."

"OK what can I do for you?"

"Well a couple weeks ago my wife and I had a baby boy who was born with an extremely rare condition. You see, he was born without eyelids."

"Oh my goodness!"

"Yes. Well at your hospital there they tried a new experimental treatment. They used the foreskin from his circumcision to create eyelids for him. Have you heard about this procedure?"

"OH MY GOD! No! I haven't!"

"Well everything was going great and he seemed to be healing well but when he woke up this morning, he looked a little cockeyed..."

"..........."

"COCKEYED!"

<click>

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TurnTheTVOff
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 29 2015
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Two in one day

My boss and a couple other employees were discussing how I came in even though I was sick and one employee, who is from the Ukraine said "I guess I dont get sick because I ha e better genes to handle the cold weather." My boss replied with "Well what are they? Levis?" We all had a giggle.

Later that very same day I delivered a bag to a post office which must've went out by mistake because it had zero items. When I was leaving the man who received the delivery said to me "Have a good day and thanks for nothin!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/revenantwolf
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Dad joke in the wild...

Out for a hike in an urban provincial park in Calgary with my wife, my cousin, and my cousin's husband. We slow down to look at a deer about 5m off the trail. A middle age couple is walking towards us, when:

Woman: Look honey, a deer!
Her husband: Oh dear!

His wife, my wife, and my cousin all groan/eye roll... and me and my cousin's husband have a hearty chuckle, while the man sports a wide grin.

Based on his immediate delivery, and his wife's reaction, I just know this joke's been repeated often, to everyone's delight, as any good dad joke should be.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/blindsight
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 18 2014
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