Congratulations!!
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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Congratulations to user Mrspeedemon!

Let Mr. PeeDemon know he's a lucky man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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Congratulations are in order

aacgilnnoorsttu

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zoebread
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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Congratulations to director Domee Shee and her Pixar crew for winning Best Animated Short at the Oscars!

Well deserved. Take a Bao.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cracksilog
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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Congratulations, /r/dadjokes - you are Subreddit of the Day for September 21, 2013! reddit.com/r/subredditoft…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LGBTerrific
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2013
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My son hit puberty and I said congratulations, you're a millionaire...

Check your sperm count.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jetty_Boy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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Congratulations to China for managing to land on the dark side of the moon

Perhaps they can shed some light on what it's like there

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πŸ‘€︎ u/helimoth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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You're engaged?! Congratulations! Do you have a date yet??

Yes, my fiancΓ©e!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaoticFather
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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Congratulations to my friend on his first child! Now, to the joke about the crippled guy who talks alot of shit.....

Well he didn't know what was wrong with him, but this dude obviously had a diss-ability.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2017
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My son was just born and another dad at the hospital congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.

He said, "Maybe they'll marry each other?"

"Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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How to earn a ton of money in 1 easy step

Put 5 female pigs and 5 male deers in your backyard.

Congratulations, you now have ten sows and bucks!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/soba_todoroki
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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What do you say to congratulate someone on graduating?

Congraduation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ejdxjd
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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Congratulate us - my wife and I just bought our first pair of recliners!

Sit just got REAL!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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(true story) After having my son install an electric keypad deadbolt on the man door in my garage, my daughter says:

Dad, are you sure that new deadbolt was man-door-tory??

Making daddy proud.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell in a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about the baby.

The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.

Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?

Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.

Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Believe it.....

My wife and I just had our first child! (Well, she had him and I stood there all supportive like) Gibson is 10 weeks old now and ready for meme glory. https://imgur.com/gallery/NOL14WO

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πŸ‘€︎ u/great69m
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tonheatz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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What do you do when your ears are ringing?

You answer them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EDP458
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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What did the Nintendo say when congratulating the two male chefs?

Super Mash Bros.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."

The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:

"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesmartass1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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My son just told me his first dad joke. He's 8, so go easy.

Son: what did the fig say to the table?

Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table?

Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.

Edit: thanks for the silver, I'll tell the boy in the morning!

Edit 2: explained to my son about the up votes and awards. When he heard that someone spent real money to congratulate him for the joke, he said he bets it was his grandparents. He's excited y'all enjoyed it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RicoCat
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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My wife just finished her 40 week body building program.

She lost 8 pounds and 1 oz, and gained a new family member!

I'm officially a father and step father! Woohoo!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsaneVanity
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Got a pay rise of $1000 today, effective immediately.

What a grand start to the weekend.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmaff90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, β€œHey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, β€œgo away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said β€œWe will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. β€œHey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, β€œWow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, β€œSay that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, β€œWell I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, β€œCharlie! It’s a talking dog!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnappyOrange69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Two blokes go for a job. Before they can get the job they are asked some questions.

One said to the other i wont get the job i not good at questions. Dont worry said the other i go in first and i will tell you the answers? So he goes in the boss said to him; If i poke you in the left eye what would happen. I would go half blind. If i poke you right eye what would happen. I would go fully blind. Congratulations you have got the job. Send the other candidate in. As the other candidate was going in the he said the answers are Half blind and Fully blind. Thanks mate and goes to see the boss. Right said the boss if i cut your ear off what would happen. I would go half blind. Okay said the boss if i cut your other ear off what would happen. I would go fully blind. The boss looks puzzled and said how do you make that out. He said thats obvious.

My cap would fall over my eyes!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I found out that I was pregnant because when I went to the OB, the doctor told me to put me feet in the stirrups. My husband blurted β€œThat is the strangest horse I’ve ever seen!” The doctor smiled and congratulated my husband for making his first dad joke. His response β€œI feel a little Dad inside.”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DietCokeSkittles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?

He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congratulated him. And then he said β€œThat’s good son, maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of nut is attached to the ceiling?

A Wall-nut. From my 8 year old son tonight. I am so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilovecostcohotdog
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a game where I’m the main character.

I guess congratulations are in order, because I’ve played myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.

It's Groundbreaking work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Zenchi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Four men are sitting in a hospital waiting room because their wives are all giving birth,

A nurse comes up to the first man and says, β€œCongratulations! You are the proud father of a pair of twins!”

β€œThat’s funny...” the man said, β€œI work for Twin Peaks!”

Another nurse comes into the room and goes to the second man and says, β€œCongratulations! Your wife has just given birth to triplets!”

β€œThat’s funny...” the second man said, β€œ I work for the 3M company!”

Yet another nurse comes into the room and says to the third man, β€œCongratulations! Your wife has just given birth to quadruplets!”

β€œThat’s so funny...” said the third man, β€œI work at the Four Seasons Hotel!”

The last man is groaning and whining in obvious agony, β€œWhat’s wrong?” the other men ask.

β€œI work at Seven Eleven.” He replied.

Happy Fathers Day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NighTraiN7804
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do they call it a paring knife?

Because it cuts things into two, so now you have a pair.

My 15-year-old had to think about this for a minute... Then he goes "Wait, doesn't every knife do that?" Congratulations, son, that's called critical thinking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EwoksMakeMeHard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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My first Dad joke after becoming a father

Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world!

Him: crying

Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FridayLightsFTW
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife: I’m not in the mood to do my homework. Me: Just phone it in and do C-work. Wife: I don’t know how to do C-Work.

Me: step 1, buy a boat.

Just happened. Not an official dad yet but she’s 6 months pregnant. Got to get the practice in while I can.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SashaBanks2020
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I ate a clock yesterday.

It was time consuming

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ittybitty5243
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you do to congratulate dentists on a job well done?

Give them a plaque.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotchaBackJack
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
🚨︎ report
I've been torturing my daughter with jokes for years now

And here they are

In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.

Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:

Vol. 1

Vol. 2

Vol. 3

Vol. 4

EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!

Also, thanks for the gold.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geoffevans
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
🚨︎ report
My waitress congratulated me for my order today

Don't know why, all I ordered was a steak.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SleepingBearZ
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2016
🚨︎ report
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!

So I called up Dewalt and they said: β€œnot to worry! It’s just a fire drill.”

REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sydtheslothe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad was congratulating me on a recent achievement

Dad: I give you props, son Me: Thanks dad Dad: Now go make a play

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beansforlife
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2015
🚨︎ report
At work the other day my foreman said β€œyou smell like old spice”

I instantly responded β€œI swear it was new when I bought it” this was the moment I knew my wife and I we’re ready to start trying.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kk_blake63
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry eachother.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CulturedGrass
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My son was just born(!) and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry eachother.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

πŸ‘︎ 24k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nachbar
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Dads

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, β€œGreat! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, β€œWhere's the third father?"

One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”

The nurse asks, "Why?"

He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report

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